Drink Stereotypes

What you choose to drink says a lot about you. Your drink reveals who you really are on the inside, beyond mere words and labels. You shouldn’t judge people based on what they like… That’s God’s job. Remember that stereotypes aren’t always true, but they’re always funny.

Malt Liquor

You are homeless. McDonalds would immediately reject your resume, assuming you even have one, which you don’t. You’re nothing but skin and bones because crack and meth have no nutritional value. Odds are you have a lot of kids, several of which you deny paternity of. Despite the fact that Colt .45 and Cobra constitute 99% of your legal purchases, you can always afford it. That’s because you’ve created the perfect begging sign. Your sign reads “Bet you can’t hit me with your change.” People driving by can’t resist the urge to throw shit at crack heads when there are no legal repercussions. It satisfies every rich person’s secret desire… to pelt homeless people with handfuls of coins. They know you’re going to waste it, but they also know that pennies are just as useless as you are. They don’t care because they are better than you in every respect. The only acceptable time that legitimate people can drink malt liquor is for a joke. It’s like when multi-million dollar hedge fund managers dress up like homeless people for Halloween. Everyone loves irony.

Light Beer

You are under 25. Natty light is the lifeblood of most college towns and it is always a good call. The quality is good enough for the lowest possible price. You can shotgun, funnel, and keg stand the shit out of it with no problem. It’s perfect for finals week, too. Just crush up an adderall into your Natty and hit the books. It’s called a Naddy Light and it turns one night of studying into half a semester of Marketing… or whatever bullshit pseudo-class you have to “take” in order to graduate.

Natural Light might as well be a currency in fraternity houses. Did you get drunk one night and break someone’s stupid something? Just buy them a case or two of Natty and tell them to shut the fuck up. If the monetary value is more than that, it’s probably too nice to be in the house and it was destined to be broken anyway. It’s not your fault for being a tank, it’s their fault for having a Fabergé egg in a warzone. If you don’t know what a Fabergé egg is, don’t worry about it. It’s French and it fucking sucks. Case closed.

Sometimes people try to get classy and upgrade to Bud Light, Coors Light, or Miller Light. Your preference between these three bastard children of good beer is solely dependent on which advertising campaign has raw dogged your subconscious mind the most. Light beer companies spend more on advertising than the military spends on freedom bombs. If you truly believe that any one of these water beers is any better than the others, you have been brainwashed. You’re a pawn in a game that you cannot possibly comprehend. But seriously though, Miller Light tastes like an ass frappé.

Mixed Drinks

You are the status quo. Rum and coke is probably the first mixed drink on the planet that you’ve ever tried and you stuck to it ever since. It could be Jack and Coke or Gin and tonic. The liquor isn’t what’s important. It can be anything that you’ve been drinking your whole life, without fail. Occasionally you dabble with other drinks, but you always come crawling back to your bottom bitch. Having a favorite drink that you always order is a lot like being in a relationship. You love it because you know it and it’s comforting to you. In reality though, it is nothing but a limitation of choices. Something buried deep down inside you is screaming for something new and exciting. Don’t get trapped by familiar drinks. Every now and then, slam back a bunch of slutty shots and black out.

Cosmopolitan

If you’re a guy and you’re drinking cosmos, you’re gay. If you’re a girl, you’re probably snobby as fuck. Every day of your life is a sad emulation of Sex and the City. I’ve personally never seen the show, but luckily I have loyal friends who would kick me in the dick and disown me if I did. I’ve only heard about it as the Stupid Dumb Whores Over 40 show. It warps the minds of our children and strengthens the resolve of our enemies. I heard that there is an Arabic spin off being created… Unfortunately it will only last for one season. Spoiler Alert: a suicide bomber blows everyone up in the end.

Vodka

You are a very versatile alcoholic. Vodka is great because it can be mixed with anything. If you have a drink in your fridge, odds are you can mix vodka with it. Vodka is also perfect for covert operations because it is clear. Just pour it into a water bottle and you can get trashed in class. No one questions water bottles on campus, just make sure to avoid the tell tale grimace of disgust when you take a swig of your power water.

Some people like to think that expensive vodka is somehow better. This is another illusion of advertising. Vodka is odorless and tasteless. The only thing you pay more money for is the perception of quality. Some people argue that expensive vodkas are smoother, but unless it’s a fucking Pepsi challenge, few people will know the difference. You can take advantage of this knowledge if you’re throwing a huge rager on a tight budget. Simply get a bunch of Grey Goose bottles and fill them up with garbage vodka. Laughing as girls bite and claw to get more shots of Grey Goose when the bottles are actually full of Skol. TFM.

    1. MYpaddle_YOURass

      Second this, the photo looks like something coming out of a SigEp’s house.

      12 years ago at 2:11 pm
    2. Sigma_Raw_Dog

      Someone needs some hair on his chest for forgetting the everclear. It’s the epitome of a “Fuck this” night.

      12 years ago at 4:57 pm
    3. ThinkThereforeFRAT

      Agreed. Whiskey should have been on here. And there is nothing wrong with vodka other than it’s like the bread of alcohol. It’s versatile but worthless on it’s own for anything other than intoxication.

      I did like the section about good beers’ bastard sons. Miller, Coors and Bud. Nothing wrong with liking one but to argue over if one tastes better (read “different”) than the other is like being Bad Dad at a tee ball game that you don’t even have a kid playing in.

      12 years ago at 7:28 pm
    4. BetaGammaOmicron

      Also, by pointing out that it is only acceptable to drink malt liquor ironically, you’re justifying the entire hipster mentality. Way to go.

      12 years ago at 11:26 am
  1. Gov_Lester Maddox

    I wish you would stop contributing. You are a terrible writer. This was almost as bad as the “Pirate” abortion from last weak.

    12 years ago at 1:03 pm
    1. FrattingInAmerica

      despite his poor grammar, the Gov is right. This column blows a fat one.

      12 years ago at 5:51 pm
    1. gentleman_heritage

      Maker’s makes for a damn good old fashioned, whiskey sour, or mint julep. And, if you have a problem with mixing a mid shelf small batch, then you don’t know what your talking about to begin with. Try a good single barrel on the rocks sometime “Fan of W”.

      12 years ago at 7:56 pm
    2. Lambda Chi Hell Yeah

      Makers was made by one of my brothers years ago so who ever doent like it can go stick to their pussy ass vodka

      12 years ago at 11:29 pm
  2. smart as fuck

    You’re telling me that Miller light and Bud light taste the same? No bourbon? This column is horseshit.

    12 years ago at 1:11 pm
  3. “Vodka means you’re a versatile alcoholic”

    No vodka means you either literally or figuratively have a vagina.

    12 years ago at 1:13 pm
    1. GDIsayswhat

      My RA won’t let us keep vodka in the dorms, so I have to keep it at a friend’s house

      12 years ago at 4:32 pm
    1. RageTheory

      ^^Noted. I left out real drinks on purpose. You would think that the average TFM trolls would grasp this, but alas… Some people struggle with Gen Ed classes.

      12 years ago at 6:34 pm
  4. BroswickStew

    RageTheory must be a yankee. The fact that bourbon is not number one on this list demonstrates this. Also, where’s scotch? Vodka? What kind of self respecting Fraternity man sits around and swills vodka? Doing so is either a TSM, or a TeuroM. Take some laps man.

    12 years ago at 1:14 pm
    1. YanksFratHard

      If RageTheory was a Yankee, he would have included Labatts and Molson. The one thing Canadians have right is their beer, any Yankee knows that.

      12 years ago at 3:45 pm
    2. Brother of Gaw

      Yea, whiskey, bourbon and scotch are drinks only in the south and the south alone!

      12 years ago at 3:50 pm
    3. SigmaFratty

      Alright now, show some respect to use Yankees. Without us you wouldn’t have great beer. Props on the whole whiskey thing, you guys nailed it. We drink just as much whiskey as you inbreeders. (Canadians did a damn good job on Whiskey too, Crown Royal).

      12 years ago at 5:12 pm