Entire Fraternity Keeps Phones In Pockets During Hazing Event, Nothing Bad Happens To Them

Jared Borislow10 years ago

The Tau Phi chapter of the Beta Delta Fraternity at Northeastern Montana University was surprised to see that they are not under investigation for hazing after their most recent lineup. Apparently every brother present at the event kept their cell phones in their pocket.

“It’s crazy,” said Pledge Educator Ricardo Felter. “It’s like, if everybody just doesn’t take out their phone, nothing bad can happen to us. How can something so simple be so effective?”

Felter told TFM that the lineup had been an especially brutal one, too. It included two hours of nose and toes (the pledges had to use their noses to stay elevated instead of their elbows), the required completion of one handle of rail tequila per pledge, and a hazing technique so near-and-dear to Felter’s heart that he declined to share any information about it with us.

“Daddy’s little secret,” said Felter, kicking a plastic bag filled with cucumbers and K-Y Jelly under a nearby table.

But, because there is no evidence that anything at all occurred in the Beta Delta basement last night, nobody is in trouble.

Chapter President James Jorbles was incredibly pleased with the brothers’ ability to refrain from taking out their cell phones during the hazing event.

“I’m happy we aren’t on, like, probation or anything, but I’m mostly just happy that Brother Chumpy was in attendance at the lineup. He usually Snapchats every person he knows a picture of his penis dressed up as a different character from the 1980s sitcom ‘Too Close For Comfort’ every night at midnight. Being banned from using his phone at the lineup, however, he wasn’t able to last night. I mean, it honestly wouldn’t be that bad if I knew who any of the characters from that show are, but I’ve literally never seen a single episode. Can’t relate to it at all.”

Brother Chumpy could not be reached for comment yet, but TFM has organized a Snapchat interview with him tonight at midnight..

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