Fratstars vs. Flatbills: It’s A War. Sterling Cooper Reports


Unbeknownst to many of you, I have been spending my recent months in a war-zone. When I am not working as a congressional lobbyist for whiskey distillers or in my position as the United States’ ambassador to the Republic of Texas, I am operating as a field correspondent in one of the most dangerous battlefields in the country…the party scene. I have been observing a war that many of you have been participating in. One that affects us all. But before I delve into this dark, twisted reality, allow me to set the scene for those of you who are lucky to not be involved.

GDIs have many flaws – chief of which is that they are GDIs – but in reality most of them are harmless. In fact, many of them are helpful. GDIs are the ones in our study groups who do all of the work while we skip group meetings to watch the sporting events we bet on. GDIs are the ones who practice for weeks for intramurals, only to lose to a team of mostly drunk, carefree fraternity men, even when we play two men short because one guy went to Vegas for no reason and another guy is passed out on our bench. Most importantly, GDIs are the ones who will end up working for us, doing all of the tasks that are below our caliber and pay grade. However, there is a group of GDIs who are much more than nerds and hipsters. These guys, my friends, are known as the Flatbills.

Flatbills are a very particular, very dangerous breed of GDI. They tend to fit a certain mold. Most of them played baseball in high school. A few of them were good enough to walk onto your university’s team, but definitely not good enough to earn a scholarship. They are, by no stretch of the imagination, athletes. Despite this, they act as if they are the coolest men the world has seen since the cast of Walker, Texas Ranger (which is cooler than an Eskimo’s dick in mid-February). They wear too-tight shirts with athletic shorts, drink shitty liquor mixed with energy drinks, and almost definitely have the most disturbing tribal/oriental tattoos you’ve ever seen. And yes, despite the huge amount of douchebaggery they exude, we are in a war with them.

This is not a war that we chose. If we had our way, the Flatbills would stay in their own hangouts and chase women with lower back tattoos exclusively. But this is not the case. Instead, they are invading. This is not Jets vs. Sharks, because musicals blow giraffe cock. This is Red Dawn, but instead of Russians, we’ve been invaded by UFC-watching, Affliction-wearing, steroided, Fred Durst wannabes. They’ve started coming to our bars, dominating our television, and (worst of all) chasing our women. This would be a minor annoyance if it weren’t for the fact that they’ve had some success. Countless sorority girls have fallen prey to the muscles and sugary “shots,” and I can no longer order a drink without seeing a backwards Yankee hat. I know what some of you are saying, “My bar doesn’t allow people like that in, so it’s not my problem.” Well here’s where you’re wrong. Sure, some bars ban Affliction and ball caps, but a lot of bars won’t. Why? Because a lot of these guys have…money. And bars don’t care about new money or old money; they just want to make a profit, which is great, because capitalism is my middle name. At the end of the day it’s not the job of the bars or the girls to prevent douche-tragedy. It’s ours.

So what do we do? Here’s my plan. Enough of us are in the financial sector that we can easily execute a hostile takeover of every brand that they love. After acquiring these brands (Affliction, Ed Hardy, 59/50, Red Bull, etc.), we set a meeting with the Flatbill Council in either a parking garage or an abandoned warehouse. We then inform them that unless they quit poaching on our land, we will sell all of these brands, at cost to us, to Walmart, to be marketed to the one group that they hate more than fratstars: poorer GDIs. It’s a risky move, but one that must be taken. Men, if we are to protect the sanctity of our bars and our ladies, we have to take a stand. Channel your inner Wolverine and do this with me (and if you don’t get the movie reference, then go back to Pakistan, because you are a fucking terrorist).

  1. FraturdayNightFever

    I don’t know if I would say they’re worse than hipsters. Nothing gets my blood boiling like seeing a dude wearing a cardigan and skinny jeans drinking a PBR.

    13 years ago at 4:53 pm
    1. NaNaNaNa FRATman

      ^Good Point. Still though, there few things in this world that piss me off more than hipsters.

      13 years ago at 6:49 pm
    2. Floridafrat

      There’s nothing worse than hipsters. I once made the mistake of stumbling into a hipster house one drunken night and had to liberate an American flag they had upside with writing on it. I left with it expecting a fight, but was accosted by a gaggle of hipsters that then tried to logic their way into getting “their” flag back with backwards ass attempts at patriotism and morality. Needless to say, as a fratter, I would’ve been much more pleased with fisticuffs than their disgraceful attitudes towards American virtue and their lack of it.

      13 years ago at 12:08 pm
  2. DerekHuff

    Sterling Cooper, you are truly FAF. I couldn’t agree more woth this post, these fucking baseball players have no business invading our land or even talking to our women. Baseball players and flatbills are almost as NF as pooka shells. Frat on!

    13 years ago at 4:54 pm
    1. Nu_d Since 69

      Baseball is the most Amercian sport possible and lot of fraternity men play baseball. So how is baseball so NF?

      13 years ago at 4:57 pm
    2. Up at Frat

      But the roid ballplayers that live in the gym ARE douchebags, and populate massive amounts of high school baseball.
      Michael Young is FaF, but I guarantee you pre-saved Hamilton wore a flat bill.

      13 years ago at 5:02 pm
  3. Fratasaurus

    You forgot to mention the one greater threat than flatbills: disguised flatbills. The people in fraternities who also wear flatbills. They are wolves in sheep’s clothing.

    13 years ago at 5:00 pm
    1. American

      These are usually fairly easy to spot. most fraternity flatbillers are Kappa Sigs.

      13 years ago at 5:29 pm
    2. KappaSigEKU

      He’s right about kappa sig. Thankfully i got kicked out for, and I quote “you drink and party too much, you’re projecting an image that we don’t want for this chapter”

      13 years ago at 9:13 pm
    3. Fratrador Retriever

      KappaSigEKU, so if you got kicked out why are you on here? Also Kappa Sig at EKU is not a fraternity, merely a group of weird gdi’s who could not get bids and started their own chapter on campus. You might not get laughed at so much on campus if you would not let 40 year olds and fat virgin nerds in your dungeons and dragons club. Oh and good article Sterling.

      13 years ago at 9:51 pm
    4. DKZ13

      KappaSigEKU that means you’re a GDI now and you will never be Greek! So I don’t really understand why exactly you’re hanging out on when you should be on Only there is it socially acceptable to create beer box costumes and look like a complete tool.

      13 years ago at 12:33 am
    5. FratwallJackson

      yeah, I’m confused as to why you pledged KappaSig at all. Also, why isn’t Pike getting shit for this? They’re notorious flatbillers

      13 years ago at 1:34 pm
  4. Future Sarah Palin

    I saw Affliction shirts on sale at Sam’s Club when shopping for our river trip. Looks like the decline has already started, gentlemen.

    13 years ago at 5:02 pm
    1. Alfred Marshall

      I assume you meant REI, not Sam’s. I can deal with granola-munching hippies way better than the poors at Sam’s. You’re not poor, are you?

      13 years ago at 5:20 pm
    2. brocephus1865

      I don’t know if they still do it, but before you could get a business membership for Sam’s, and go in before the store opened to regular members. Also buying in bulk is FAF

      13 years ago at 6:02 pm
    3. ntwise

      yes business members get special hours. also love some natty 30 packs for 14 bucks

      13 years ago at 6:53 pm
    4. Future Sarah Palin

      Apparently, you have never planned a river trip for 45 people.Thanks for the “insult,” though.

      13 years ago at 11:02 pm
    5. Groves

      Alfred Marshall, you really are a moron. There is no way in hell REI would ever carry Affliction whatsoever. Trust me, I used to work there. And with regards to Sams, saving money on rafts so you can buy more booze later is FAF. Try putting some thought behind what you post next time.

      13 years ago at 2:36 am
  5. AllNatural

    These columns get better every week. Definitely been noticing more GDIs at the bar, it pisses me off more than anything. But they will never be able to rage as hard as any real Fratstar.

    13 years ago at 5:05 pm