Gauging Her Level Of Crazy Based On Her Pets

dog

At last, there is an objective and widely-accepted method of measuring a girl’s craziness: All you need to know is the kind of animal(s) she owns. Let’s take a look at the most common pets and make sweeping generalizations about their owners.

Big Dogs: Not Crazy

Who doesn’t love small girls with big dogs? Personally, I like my females like my labs: smart, brown, and 90 lbs. Dogs are the most normal and fun living thing you can share a space with, aside from the stoned kid who hasn’t left your couch in three months. Girls that appreciate these big, loving rascals are most likely normal.

Small Dogs: Possibly Crazy

See below.

Cats: Possibly Crazy

I’m being kind here and giving cat ladies the benefit of the doubt, just because there are so damn many and I want to sleep with some of them. It’s tough to typecast 75 percent of women as one brand of crazy. Instead, peep her Instagram and note the cat pictures. If they’re all glamour shots of her puss, she’s got problems. If she prefers ice cream dates with kitty, she’s crazy. If she calls herself a “pet parent,” she’s going to die alone.

Better yet, just count the cats. The line for crazy is set at 1.5 cats. I ain’t lion.

Horses: Likely Crazy

Horse girls have a couple things going for them. First, they probably have money, seeing as how caring for horses gets pricey and boarding them is downright expensive. Second, they’re usually pretty fit since pony care can be quite laborious. Finally, these girls can be fun. A night with them ought to be called the FREAKness Stakes. Get it!?
However, equinophiles tend to be obsessive. If she’s a horse gal, she’ll have pictures and figurines all over her house/apartment/dorm/car/body. Being a horse owner turns into some bizarre lifestyle choices. Good luck with these girls, stud.

Reptiles: Crazy

The only reason reptile girls aren’t ranked even crazier is because lizards are usually pretty chill. Give them a warm place to just exist and they won’t budge. Come to think of it, reptiles are pretty frat. However, a girl with a predilection for prickly, cold blooded things isn’t a girl with whom you should associate.

Rabbits: Batshit Insane

Run for your fucking life.

If she pours all of her affection into an overgrown rat that just wants to hop away from her and shit under her bed, she’s a goddamn fruit cake. Rabbits are assholes. They’ll kick their feet when you’re stuffin’ the muffin, chew your phone or laptop chargers and treat your apartment as one, giant litterbox. And when your charger fries ol’ Thumper, the girl will look at you like it’s your damn fault. Worse yet, some of them make Instagrams just to post pictures of their fuzzy little dickheads. As Bill Engvall would say, “Here’s your sign.”

Fish: Undocumented
The jury’s out on fish. My mom likes fish and she’s pretty cool. Probably my favorite mom of all time. Happy birthday, maw. Sorry that I’m 23 and posting dick jokes on a fraternity site instead of going to grad school like my friends.

Image via Shutterstock

  1. The User Formerly Known as Frabst

    You and Wally Bryton most have been Siamese twins because you both pump out the worst shit this site has ever seen. Too bad the doctor couldn’t have let you two bleed out when he separated you.

    8 years ago at 10:31 am
      1. Kramer Smash

        You need to stick to picking on Buttery. Last I checked, he’s still institutionalized.

        8 years ago at 1:08 pm
      2. Henry_Eighth

        Are you trying to top Mark Walberg for the most annoying comments to your own article?

        8 years ago at 1:24 pm
      3. Fratty_Roosevelt

        Did they actually get a high schooler to start writing these things now? Fucking affirmative action.

        8 years ago at 6:57 pm
      4. Old Yeller

        Wtf Henry, I’ll hump the shit out of your mom’s leg, and your sister’s leg, and then I’ll go and do victory lap with their other legs all while you watch.

        8 years ago at 7:45 pm
  2. ObamanableSnowman

    Any of the animals listed here could have written a better article than this

    8 years ago at 10:38 am
    1. AndrewsMomsAss

      One of my Match.com dates asked me if I wanted to spank his monkey! I said, “No thank you, I don’t approve of cAPEoral punishment! Ha ha that was so bad I can’t even post it on Facebook!

      8 years ago at 11:02 am
  3. Mrk920

    When you say “see below” I’m expecting some sort of analysis somewhere, instead you just took a shortcut and took a whole paragraph out of the “article”. This article is shit and you are shit.

    8 years ago at 11:34 am
  4. Are You Kidding Me

    You could be the only author that makes me hope for more Steve Holt reddit copy and paste jobs.

    8 years ago at 4:27 pm