Giving 5 Universities More Fitting Mascots

psu mascot

What’s in a name? Would a Tiger or Wildcat by any other name seem as unoriginal? Some schools pay homage to their state’s rich history by nicknaming teams after groups of settlers, native tribes, or major events. Some schools couldn’t be bothered. Let’s take five schools with tired, recycled nicknames and give better, more representative mascots.

1. Temple University

Old Name: Owls
New Name: Drivebys

When I think nocturnal predators taking up residence in Northeast Philly, the owl doesn’t come to mind. And who the hell is afraid of an Owl? I’m not even sure if trees still exist in Northeast Philadelphia. Temple deserves a mascot that better encompasses the feelings of danger and hopelessness that define Northeast Philly. It’s just the kind of intimidating mascot needed to rocket Temple to the top of the AAC. Maybe big brother ACC will take notice.

2. Kansas State

Old Name: Wildcats
New Name: Heart Disease

In a state filled with sunflowers and doublewides, who fears a Wildcat? Certainly not a Jayhawk. For K-State to regain relevance in the Big 12, they should name themselves after the biggest killer in the midwest. Kansas is a boring-ass state. But, at least it’s not…

3. Missouri

Old Name: Tigers
New Name: Exodus

Not only are Tigers effectively extinct in Mizzou, the student body is following suit, thanks to Concerned Students 1950. The “Show Me State” is quickly becoming the “Show Me the Door” state for college students.

4. Penn State

Old Name: Nittany Lions
New Name: Inmates

A more fitting name would be the ‘Cougars,’ because at least those probably still exist in State College. They like ’em young in University Park. However, we’re going pretty literal with this name. What do you expect to see at the State Pen? Inmates. Plus, you’ll want to avoid the showers when the inmates around.

5. Baylor

Old Name: Bears
New Name: Green Mile

Lions, tigers and bears…Oh my. Baylor football is the best thing to happen to Waco, Texas, since David Koresh. Baylor deserves a nickname that references the school’s colors while acknowledging the direction its athletics are headed. Anyone who saw the eponymous film knows that the green mile is synonymous with the death penalty.

Better yet, we could call them the Baylor Maybelline. My girlfriend tells me that shit will cover anything up.

Image via Shutterstock

    1. SirCarlosIII

      I really want to punch that sorry excuse of a human being in the face. I hope this herpes-looking POS will have a constant “20 minutes of action” in county jail.

      8 years ago at 6:07 pm
      1. TucosMomsAWhore

        ERMAHGOD CLEMPSIN ACCEPTED ME I HOPE I GET FUCKED BY BROCK RAPEGUY EVERY NIGHT WHILE I SLEEP

        8 years ago at 1:35 am
      2. LeonardoDiFrattio

        Blows my mind that someone wrote this comment and thought, “yeah this is great people will love it”

        8 years ago at 1:07 am
  1. TucosMomsAWhore

    Clempson – A choking human who finished all of his meal besides the last bite and then subsequently choked on it so hard he died and everyone that knew him fainted

    8 years ago at 5:30 pm
    1. GDI Joe

      Every comment I ever see you post is so disgustingly unfunny that I went out of my way to make this account just to respond to this comment to remind you to go fuck yourself.

      8 years ago at 6:26 pm
  2. Jonathan chase

    Temple’s in north philly not northeast. The northeast is actually pretty nice…. Well as nice as any part of philly can actually be.

    8 years ago at 5:37 pm
  3. Broties n Boatshoes

    This just might be the worst article ever posted to this site, after Intern Shmegma’s weekly column and everything the Intern does.

    8 years ago at 5:47 pm
      1. SteveHoltOnDrugs

        You should spend less time playing games and more time working on your articles.

        8 years ago at 10:14 pm
      2. 1_Rugey_Jentelman

        Two articles and two whiny rebuttals to the trolling critics. Trying to be the next blondie between Dorn’s legs?

        8 years ago at 9:44 pm
      3. The User Formerly Known as Frabst

        I’m sure this dude has had a load of dicks in and around his mouth and asshole.

        8 years ago at 10:44 pm
    1. CorporateLacky

      Is this What the site has resorted to? Hiring writers who steal 5 year old jokes from the elderly?

      8 years ago at 7:05 pm
  4. TheEmperor

    Tulane University – old name : green wave. New name : green wave. Cuz they suck and no one cares.

    8 years ago at 6:04 pm
    1. TucosMomsAWhore

      Yo props on the Islam brah keep it up it’s tight and >>>>>>> the USA

      8 years ago at 1:35 am