Grading Potential Hangover Activities
Drugs, Sex, Alcohol
This is why God created hangovers. Your shields are down. You’re vulnerable. If you didn’t make enough bad decisions last night then this is the time to play catchup. Last night, you brought home a girl and either came in 60 seconds or the whiskey dick was too much to overcome. Here’s your chance to make things right. After the quickie, focus on yourself instead of giving back to the community. A few drugs and beers in the system should set your ship sailing straight.
Grade: A+
Attending Sporting Events
Nothing pulls you out of the depths of a hangover better than a good, old-fashioned sporting event. Football? Golf? Baseball? Hockey? Drinking is allowed, nay, encouraged at all of these sporting events. It’s the hair of the dog. To cure a whiskey and tequila fueled hangover, apply light beers directly into the mouth. Roughly 20 beers throughout the course of the day is recommended by 9 out of 10 doctors.
Grade: A-
Watching Netflix
Finally, some time to catch up on your soaps. Whether it’s “Netflix and chill” or “Netflix and hanging out alone with your hand down your pants,” you can’t go wrong with binge watching the pain away. Go with a comedy or TV series about food. Simple, no strenuous cognitive activity needed.
Grade: B+
Outdoor Activities
Not to be confused with attending sporting events, outdoor activities are great alternatives. A boozy nature walk or a day by the pool getting a relaxing type of drunk is one of the best ways to soothe that hangover. Let the cool breeze wipe away your pounding headache.
Grade: B-
Not Drinking, Being A Lazy Pile Of Shit
Okay, this isn’t the worst possible choice. There are some days when the sight of alcohol can kill you and the body needs a full day of rest and recovery. Let’s not make this a trend, but everyone gets one. Cleanse the body, sir.
Grade: C+
Family Activities
Unless your drunken uncle is in attendance, you’re gonna have a bad time. No, mother, I’m not getting married anytime soon. I’m sorry, dad, but I’ll need more money for the formal coming up. I’m not NOT gonna get the presidential suite. Hopefully your physical attendance is enough to keep the parents at bay and their wallets open. A free dinner is a free dinner.
Grade: C-
Going To Class
Oh yeah, I’d love to learn about supply and demand — just right after a purge my demons into the nearest campus bathroom. I hope you’re not expecting me to remember any of this class for the test because I’m seeing double and I never went to syllabus day so I’m unaware of when the test is actually taking place. I’ll stay at home and take my C- in peace, please.
Grade: D+
Dying
It’s the easiest and quickest way out. It’s not recommended, but neither is the recoil of a 5-day long drunken spring break. You really travel to a dark place 24 hours after 24 Fireball shots.
Grade: D-
Playing Intramural Sports
Drunken flag football? Hilarious. Hungover flag football? Good lord, punch me in the fucking face. Please. Put me out of my misery. Deport me to Guantanamo. I’d rather ass-chug a handle of store brand vodka than be put through that torture.
Grade: F.
I’ve always thought that having to box hungover would be the worst torture imaginable. They should make terrorists go toe-to-toe after making them chug Mad Dogs the night before
9 years ago at 8:37 amThis was dumb
9 years ago at 8:37 amGiving up sobriety for lent
9 years ago at 8:37 amHow is smoking a fat blunt not #1 on this list?
9 years ago at 8:38 amsome of us get randomly drug tested
9 years ago at 8:46 amI wonder how many ounces of petroleum jelly the guys in the thumbnail can squeeze into each other’s holes.
9 years ago at 8:49 amI’d rather not wonder about that.
9 years ago at 11:41 amI tend to jack off, drink Gatorade, and eat cold pizza when I’m hungover.
9 years ago at 8:58 amDo you take the hardened cheese off the pizza and wrap it around your fuck puppet like a little pigs in a blanket?
9 years ago at 10:06 amDo I look like a sociopath? Of course I wrap it.
9 years ago at 10:26 am#HARDENEDCHEESESTUFF2K16
9 years ago at 10:30 amI always say I’m going to get up and be productive when I’m hungover. But Sunday’s consist of laying on the couch with my pedialite and jug of water watching documentaries all day.
9 years ago at 8:58 amThis is fucking badass.
9 years ago at 1:10 pmI’d recommend finding a shady massage parlor
9 years ago at 9:17 amI go with popping a Xanax (prescribed), grabbing some non-alcoholic beverages and playing a round of golf. Clears the head and typically my hangover is close to breaking by the time I’m done so I can focus on the massive pile of shit I told myself I’d do over the weekend but never did.
9 years ago at 9:19 amA little bump and brew before the game day tailgate has always worked out pretty well
9 years ago at 9:21 am