The Guitar Guy At The Party Must Be Stopped

Wally Bryton5 years ago

As most of us already know, the guitar guy at the party is a special breed of obnoxious douchebag. Now, before I continue this article, I know that “the guitar guy at the party” is a very confusing phrase. So for those of you who don’t know who the “guitar guy at the party” is, he’s the guitar guy at the party.

There is nothing in the known universe more annoying or totally unnecessary than the dude who brings his acoustic guitar to a party. You’re having a pretty good time, minding your own business, and then you hear those haunting opening chords of “Wonderwall” and know the night is about to take a very dark turn.

Oh no. Dear God, no. This is a party full of good, decent Americans. A bunch of wholesome, innocent civilians who have done nothing wrong. For goodness sake, these people have families! What did they do to deserve this? Life just doesn’t make sense anymore.

The guitar guy at the party thinks he’s smooth and charming. In his head, he thinks he comes off as an artistic, gentle soul who’s just trying to bring the gift of soothing music to your lucky eardrums. He thinks he’s a sweet, lovable ray of sunshine beaming down on everyone’s lives. But he is not. This man is the devil himself.

The guitar guy at the party is only using his instrument to draw all the attention to himself. He’s a massive narcissist that makes Mr. Kanye West himself look like a quiet, humble monk. He’s looking for attention. He’s plain arrogant. An attention whore/hack musician/professional khaki enthusiast.

He is also there to attract as much vaginal traffic as humanly possible. He’s strumming a touching John Mayer tune while your girlfriend sits on his lap and he has a half-chub, and he knows damn well she can at least kinda feel it. Every now and then, at the end of the song, he’ll give a brief, passionate speech about “positive energy” and his “chakra” or something ridiculous like that. He probably owns a charm bracelet and at least 3 Blu-rays of Garden State.

The guitar guy at the party is a problem. But luckily, progress is slowly but surely being made. In at least 9 states, it’s now considered a felony to bring your guitar to a party. One time I was at a party and heard an acoustic “Smoke On The Water” cover; the host of the shindig contacted the authorities immediately. He’s currently serving a life sentence with no chance of parole. On top of that, I hear the U.S. government will personally give you financial compensation and a Presidential Medal of Freedom if you ever smash a dude’s guitar against the wall Animal House-style. There is hope.

This. Ends. Today. The guitar guy at the party must be stopped..