Happy Birthday ‘Merica

235 years ago, our forefathers told King George to cram the taxes, tea and crumpets up his ass, and permanently revoked England’s charter. As a result, we are blessed with the privilege of basking in the sun as it shines upon the greatest country on God’s green earth—The United States of America.

That speech is awesome if you ignore all that nonsense about the rest of the world, but I digress. Every year on the 4th of July we celebrate our Independence Day, and every year I try and push the envelope further and further while I rage at the lake house with my family. On Saturday, things got a little out-of-hand. I blacked out around 3 o’clock in the afternoon, and then woke up after midnight on a stranger’s boat, docked at a random house. Luckily, there were still some Ameri-cans in the cooler onboard, so I grabbed a couple, regained my bearings, jumped in the lake and swam a few houses down to my place. Once I was home I took a sharpie and wrote “AMERICA” in huge letters across my brother’s forehead for leaving me to fend for myself. At that point I wasn’t tired at all, and instead of battling a hangover I decided to crush Budweisers and watch The Patriot. Mel Gibson might be bat-shit crazy, but he’s a bat-shit crazy American, dammit. The part of the movie where he offs 22 redcoats is fucking wild:

Sunday morning, my dad found me passed out on the couch with a lip in and the DVD menu screen of The Patriot still blaring full blast on the TV. He laughed when I told him I passed out on a random boat, told me I smelled like piss, and smacked me on the back of the head for drawing on my brother’s face. It was a brutal hangover, so I watched this legendary clip to restore morale:

Yeah, yeah soccer is NF. If that doesn’t make your dick move then you’re a communist. My point is no matter how hungover you might be, no matter how much more attractive the girl you woke up next to this morning seemed last night, no matter how many times you get piss-the-bed drunk and have an excruciating moral hangover, always remember this: You’re a real American, you live in the greatest country in the history of mankind, and you can do whatever the fuck you want.

Enjoy the fireworks, and God bless America.

Submit your 4th of July weekend pictures, and check out our Photos section. I’ll pick a winner to receive a ‘Merica Shirt, courtesy of Frocketees.com.

  1. U_S_A

    “Sure, I’ve been called a xenophobe, but the truth is, I’m not. I honestly just feel that America is the best country and the other countries aren’t as good. That used to be called patriotism.”

    13 years ago at 8:17 pm
    1. Fratman and Robin

      an arm like a damn rocket, a cock like a burmese python, and the mind of a fucking scientist. Kenny Powers. TFM.

      13 years ago at 8:48 pm
    2. SigEp993

      “But a true champion, face to face with his darkest hour, will do whatever it takes to rise above. A man fights, and fights, and then fights some more. Because surrender is death, and death is for pussies.”

      13 years ago at 11:49 pm
  2. Glory Glory

    Cool story about your weekend bro. How long did it take you to make that one up? This account was nearly as shitty as 90% of the submissions you allow now-a-days pledge. Motion to ball the TFM pledge and make this already magnificant weekend even that much better?

    13 years ago at 8:24 pm
    1. Davy Crockett

      I don’t think you caught the fact that it was making fun of several of the submissions for the past few weeks.

      13 years ago at 8:38 pm
  3. BROld Spice

    That goal was incredible. In fact, the only thing better than that goal (at that time) was the resounding USA chant that echoed across the country.

    13 years ago at 8:26 pm
  4. Roy FratAvoy

    Anything that can incite a USA chant all across the country is frat is my opinion. US Soccer Team. FaF.

    13 years ago at 8:44 pm