Harambe For President: Late Gorilla Polling At 5 Percent Against Trump And Hillary

Alex Buscemi9 years ago

According to a recent poll, Harambe (blessed be his name), the late, beloved silverback gorilla, stands at five percent against Trump and Hillary.

From ABC 15:

If a dead gorilla ran for president against Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, he would take 5 percent of the vote, according to a new poll from Public Policy Polling.

That gorilla is Harambe, who was shot and killed after dragging a young boy through his enclosure at the Cincinnati Zoo in May.

It makes sense that a dead gorilla (RIP in peace, sweet prince) is doing so well. The Democratic and Republican parties are in shambles. Both candidates are two of the worst people to walk the face of the earth.

Hillary inexplicably left Americans begging for help to die in Benghazi, used her personal account for classified emails which put countless CIA/FBI operatives in critical danger, and has the demeanor of a robot attempting to put on its best human impersonation (she might even be just that — a fucking government-controlled cyborg).

Trump, on the other hand, is a draft dodger who told former POW John McCain that real heroes don’t get caught, has the temperament and speech skills of a toddler who shat his pants (I wouldn’t be surprised if an off-hand comment about the size of his hands starts World War III), and wants to tax the fuck out of corporations for outsourcing labor (unless your dad works in a factory, this would be bad news for your wallet).

They both suck nards. That’s why a vote for the third party has such an impact this election. We have the chance to show the powers that be that we shouldn’t have to settle for one or the other. We should be allowed to settle for the ghostly apparition of a mighty gorilla who touched millions of lives.

In fact, I think it’s high time we created a new party. The Silverback Party. And five percent of Americans agree.

Harambe is more than a meme. He is a movement. A presidential candidate.

I don’t know what would happen if Harambe pulled off a win this election. But I’d love to find out. HARAMBE 2016. Spread the word..

Be sure to pick up our new Harambe 2016 and Rowdy Harambe t-shirts: