Have A Dad Body? Don’t Change A Thing

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Gentleman, the school year is quickly approaching, which means we are about to leave behind a relatively healthy lifestyle at home and return to the devastating behavior college brings out. You’ve cut back a little during these warms months, and your liver and gut thank you for that, but the grace period is almost over. In the past, your body was able to handle the abuse, but that speedy metabolism isn’t what it used to be. By no means are you fat (in a well-fitting Hawaiian shirt way) and you still look like you’re in shape. However, with every passing year, that beer belly grows and your tight physique loosens. You’re getting a dad body: that gray zone in between fit and fat that your dad has been in for your entire life.

Don’t freak. You’re still young, the campus gym is free, and there’s ample time to get back into shape. But honestly, why bother? That takes time and effort. No, the better option is to rock the dad body like the real man you are. Need some more convincing? Here are four reasons why the dad body is the best body.

1. It’s Easy

Maintenance on your dad body is so easy that you’ve been doing it this whole time without even noticing. The diet is simple. During the week, eat a few square meals, ripe with fruits, veggies, meat, and other healthy stuff to keep you regular. On the weekends, half of your calories should come from alcohol and the other from late night runs to Taco Bell. Exercise should mainly come from intramurals, where you try to reclaim your former athletic glory and remind everyone that this body of yours still has game. The only time you should exercise for exercise’s sake is when you feel really guilty about something–like when you wake up to find that, in a blacked out state, you ate an entire cookie cake by yourself. Good God, I’m disgusting. I need to go for a jog or something.

2. Girls Love It

And I mean all kinds of girls. Small girls love it because you’re big enough to protect them but not so big that you couldn’t be easily taken down by their pepper spray, should you turn out to be a rapist. Freshman girls like your dad body because they think you’re a mature, grown man who will make their high school boyfriends jealous. White girls with daddy issues follow the same principle–they want to piss off their parents, but are too afraid to hook up with a black guy, so they’ll settle for you. Even clingers love a good dad bod because it shows that you have time for them since you’re not constantly at the gym. You’re the perfect mix: not fat and gross, but also not a juiced-up freak of nature. Also, you don’t look like a huge douche, which will make it easier for you to convince girls that you aren’t a huge douche (even though you probably are). Sure, tens might not be interested in your dad bod, but we both know you lack the social skills to take home a 10 anyway, and besides, we’ve already discussed on this site why your high standards are ruining your sex life.

3. It Builds A Sense Of Community

You already dress like your brothers, so why not have the same body shape as them, too? Geeds will be both disgusted and amazed at the level of conformity you’ve achieved, which will be hilarious. Also the phrase, “you look so much like your father” will have never been truer. I’m a few pounds off from being a carbon copy of my father, and as a result, our relationship has never been better.

4. It’s An American Classic

Human sexuality is constantly evolving. The sexiest woman alive in 1950 wouldn’t make it as a model today, and this principle will probably hold true 60 years from now. The idea of what the ideal human body looks like will change with the fashion and lifestyle of each generation, but the dad body is a classic. JFK, Reagan, Ben Franklin, and even Chewbacca all had dad bodies. Hell, I’d go so far as to say that every great man in American history has rocked the dad body at some point in his lifetime. So what are you waiting for? Be great. Rock that dad body like a real man.

  1. Henry_Bankshaft

    And yet TFM still hosts sponsored adds saying “frenzy over new ‘skinny pill’ taking country by storm”

    8 years ago at 12:03 pm
      1. Ruger_Dern

        teh ads on heer r reelly taylored to teh site., 1 tiem i seed an ad dat sed “dorn hatez him!1!” wit a picture of sum guy frum child protektive servicez

        8 years ago at 12:49 pm
  2. 21st Century Goose

    Mom being concerned by your weight gain, dad nodding understandingly as he hands you another beer. TFM.

    8 years ago at 12:14 pm
  3. The Frockman

    “It’s an American Classic” when referring to something with otherwise no redeeming qualities. TFM.

    8 years ago at 12:27 pm
  4. GPA_Bitch

    There should be a debate about changing it to the Duff bod. I mean he plays golf for a living, doesn’t give a shit, and has probably the hottest wife of anyone on tour

    8 years ago at 1:21 pm
    1. InternationalFrat

      How dare you suggest changing the name on a classic. That is like renaming the Lombardi. Fucking communist.

      8 years ago at 2:35 am
    2. Bidsfordays

      *had, they’re getting divorced. This is probably because he lost weight, further proving the fact that women love the dad bod.

      7 years ago at 2:07 am
  5. DoctorWhoGivesAShit

    Looking more like your father every year. Growing up means embracing the dad body.

    8 years ago at 1:24 pm
  6. StarShieldandLamp

    Honestly I was a huge proponent of the Dad body, I rocked it until I did my internship in Manhattan. After college, especially in a major metropolitan area, girls definitely don’t want the Dad body. Went back for my Fifth Year and turned myself into a lean mean frat machine.

    8 years ago at 2:15 pm
  7. Margin of Fratty

    “White girls with daddy issues follow the same principle–they want to piss off their parents, but are too afraid to hook up with a black guy, so they’ll settle for you.”

    Can we put this on a tshirt or something?

    8 years ago at 2:54 pm
    1. Jack Blackout

      Not my-ex girlfriend. Her daddy issues led her to the black guy(s). In other words, there are exceptions.

      8 years ago at 1:39 pm