Heavily Armed Lunatic Claiming To Be Jesus Arrested Attempting To Kidnap Obama’s Dogs

Rob Fox10 years ago

When I first read the Washington Post’s far less outlandish but no more accurate headline for this story, “Man drove a truck filled with weapons to D.C. to kidnap Obamas’ dog, Secret Service says,” images of a camo-clad, Oregon federal building occupying, small government nut jobs who may or may not also run a shop with a gay rape dungeon and a leather-bound Gimp locked in the basement sprang to mind.

That, though, would probably be giving the dude in this story too much credit, sanity-wise. Let’s just dive into the details, via the Washington Post.

A man who plotted to kidnap the Obama family’s pet dogs was arrested in the District on Wednesday with a cache of weapons and ammunition in his car, the U.S. Secret Service said.

Upon his arrest, Scott D. Stockert, 49, of Dickinson, N.D., made a series of outlandish claims to officers — that he was Jesus Christ, that he was the son of John F. Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe, that he planned to run for president, and that he was there to kidnap Bo or Sunny, the Obama’s dogs, the Secret Service said in a court document.

It could be that this loon is just trying to get out of the charges he’s facing by feigning insanity. There is presumably no quicker way to get federal investigators to say, “Ohhh boy,” and want to get a case off their hands as quickly as possible than screaming, “I AM JESUS CHRIST!” The government’s “Jesus Christ” file has to be thicker than a volume of encyclopedias, and filled to the brim with white, bearded, wild-eyed woodsmen.*

*TV Show Idea: “The J-Files” – A show about two FBI agents who have to investigate every time some lunatic does something bananas and then claims to be Jesus.

Regardless of this guy’s sanity, and regardless of your views on Obama, threatening to take a family’s dog(s), while wielding a machete, no less, is pretty fucked. There could be a Chihuahua intermittently yipping and gnawing on my sack and I still wouldn’t kill it. I might trap it, drive it out to a field, and leave it there for the fates (and coyotes and hawks) to decide whether it lives or dies, but I’m not going to whip out a footlong machete and lop its head off.

C’mon, man! The dogs didn’t do anything to you. I mean, don’t hurt the people either, obviously, but still… WHO HURTS A DOG!?!? Incidentally, probably not Jesus..

[via The Washington Post]