How Internet Trolls Are Slowly Driving Me Toward Full-Blown Insanity

Dillon Cheverere11 years ago

I assume most people have that one email account they don’t use for actual emailing purposes, but instead as a virtual dumpster of junk mail. This is the one you use when making a purchase from Amazon.com, because you know doing so triggers an onslaught of garbage emails. All subsequent tracking correspondence and Amazon deals of the week will go to this email address, and they don’t stop coming at you. You whore it out so you can preserve your other one–your real one–for legitimate emailing. As someone who is anal about checking and keeping up with daily emails, this strategy is one I have dedicated a great deal of effort to. My inbox is always clean. If there is a little number next to my email icon for longer than an hour, it’s most likely because I was sleeping when the email hit me.

Well, my work email, the one I use most frequently, has turned into a virtual dumpster of nothingness. And you guys have done this to me. “But your email address is readily available to the public. You’re basically asking for it.” I understand that, and I don’t intend to whine or throw blame around. My email is available to everyone for a number of reasons: news tips, business inquiries, freelance writer correspondence, and unsolicited nudes. It pays off.

The obvious downside is that the internet heathens have access to it. Some of you thought it would be funny to subscribe me to a multitude of dating services. I currently subscribe to the following, none of which I signed up for myself:

∙ BlackPeopleMeet.com
∙ LittlePeopleMeet.com
∙ FarmersOnly.com
∙ ChristianMingle.com
∙ JDate.com
∙ PlentyOfFish.com
∙ MulletPassions.com
∙ GlutenfreeSingles.com
∙ OkCupid.com (my username is DornLikeAsshole)

I receive emails from these services fairly infrequently considering how many of them I subscribe to. These don’t really annoy me. Truth be told, I find it entertaining when I’m matched with cowgirl040512 based on a dead profile. You look desperate, girl.

However, someone (possibly more than one of you) signed me up for the Democratic National Committee newsletter about a year and a half ago, setting in motion my slow, steady descent into email hell. Whomever it was, congratulations, you are driving me toward full-blown insanity. The DNC has emailed me no less than 15 times per day, every day, for the last year and a half. Every. Fucking. Day. Now sure, I’ve had some fun with it at times.

But the emails are incessant and plentiful, and these committees and groups ARE ALL SHARING MY CONTACT INFORMATION. The DNC Headquarters hits me up about donations.

Some stupid chick named Debbie Wasserman Schultz hits me up multiple times a day trying to connect with me using hip urban lingo.

Real talk, Debbie.

Fuck off.

– Roger

They offer to fly me places and put me up in hotels.

I get mad respect from Bides.

They even send me some downright ominous and defeated emails.

AS I WAS WRITING THIS I GOT TWO MORE EMAILS FROM THE DNC, ONE FROM BARRY HIMSELF.

I just tallied my junk emails within the last day. In the last 24 hours, I received two emails from obscure dating services. From the DNC and other related left wing groups, though, I have received 34 emails. This has become standard.

“Just unsubscribed to the newsletter, dude.”

Great idea, you brilliant asshole! I have tried several times. They won’t let me quit them. Attempting to unsubscribe requires me to enter in the email address I wish to have removed, which I’m pretty sure only passes my shit around to other groups. It’s a trap, and they’ve got me.

I don’t know if my employee benefits package includes disability of the mental variety, but I’m about to find the fuck out..