How My Alcoholism Has Kept Me On Track
I didn’t start out an alcoholic. It was a steep mountain to climb to get to the summit on which I now stand. Along the way, there have been pits and peaks, valleys and vistas, but the distinct trend has been upward. Alcohol has been a reliable friend and advisor that I’ve been able to lean on through thick and thin. There are several notable ways it’s helped me keep (and lose) my footing.
It helps me maintain a schedule.
I adhere to a strict regimen of waking up, doing things other than drinking (nursing a hangover), and then, at 5 on the dot (2:30), I drink till I forget about those things. Furthermore, I have to get to the liquor store before 9, and the gas station before midnight — a task not easily accomplished when you’re already boozy.
It helps me budget.
Unless you live in Georgia, home of the 50 rack, alcohol isn’t all that cheap. And when you consume more of it than you do any other substance, it forces you to plan your spending accordingly. I usually separate my budget into three sections:
1. Shit to get me drunk (whiskey, beer, vodka enemas, etc.)
2. Shit I buy when drunk (fast food, cigs, Dick Van Dyke’s Greatest Hits, etc.)
3. Shit to cure a hangover (whiskey, beer, vodka enemas, etc.)
It’s effective birth control.
When you’re so drunk that your dick resembles a wet cigarette, you don’t even need to worry about whether or not she’s on the pill. Chances are, your wet cigarette is not gonna get lit. Besides, think of all the money you’re saving on Plan B. That shit gets expensive.
I’m closer to my community.
Speaking of Plan B, I’ve never been closer to my pharmacist. And he’s just the first person I thought of. My bartender knows me by name, as does my school’s disciplinary committee, almost all of the county judges, and most police officers.
I boost people’s confidence.
I’ve never banged more fives than I have after a solid schedule of day drinking, rallying, pregaming, and hitting the bars. Fat chicks know me by name, and I know them by their thigh claps. I’m singlehandedly dousing negative female body images in booze and nut butter. And it’s not just the ladies whose confidence I bolster. When I shotgun beers in broad daylight and loudly voice my degenerate opinions (on anal) in public, it’s blindingly apparent how shit-faced I am.
And when people know just how shit-faced I am, they are glad they have their shit together..
Guy has drinking problem. Bangs fat chicks.
9 years ago at 2:56 pmCaptain Ahab
9 years ago at 8:59 pmI feel like I just read a synopsis of my fifth year of college.
9 years ago at 2:57 pmI wish whiskey dick would have saved me from raw-dogging it on more than a few occasions.
9 years ago at 3:11 pmcondoms are overrated. plus pulling out is hilarious
9 years ago at 3:51 pmConstantly having whiskey dick tfm
9 years ago at 11:33 pmRule #1 man, come on
9 years ago at 3:15 pmWe don’t use that word around here.
9 years ago at 3:22 pmYo, chill with the A word.
9 years ago at 3:23 pmAlso, this article was shit.
9 years ago at 3:25 pmAlmost got it
9 years ago at 4:18 pmAlexander, going by “Xander” is gay af..
9 years ago at 3:19 amHard to come up with a super sweet name like you man my bad
9 years ago at 3:27 am..don’t tell me that’s your real fucking name
9 years ago at 8:32 pmI bet mom’s thigh claps are louder.
9 years ago at 3:27 pmThankful to live in Georgia.
9 years ago at 3:39 pmAlcoholism helps ease the pain of various sti’s I contracted from your mom
9 years ago at 3:43 pmI bet you wear US Polo Assn.
9 years ago at 3:49 pmUsually you can tell when someone’s intentionally messing around on this website to annoy us. But in Polo Mane’s case I really can’t tell if he’s serious or not.
9 years ago at 3:51 pmHe’s from Canada and has a seriously under-developed sense of humor. And lacks the ability to take social cues.
9 years ago at 4:05 pmAnd also he’s a dick. #DeportPoloBackToCanada
9 years ago at 4:06 pmThe possibly existent Steve Holt allegedly spent a semester abroad in Canada. I think the mastermind behind Steve Holt is also behind this failed abortion
9 years ago at 5:11 pmAlcoholism helps your dad ease the pain of how much of a disappointment you are to him
9 years ago at 3:53 pmBudgeting around your alcoholism. TFM.
9 years ago at 4:40 pm