How To Avoid Being An Asshole During Sorority Date Functions

Today is your lucky day. Samantha Whateverthefuck has mustered up the balls to choose you as her date for her sorority’s upcoming function. While these functions may vary by location and theme, there are a few surefire moves you can make to ensure you don’t come out looking like Mel Gibson after a bender. Without further ado, here they are:

It isn’t a Fraternity event, so don’t treat it like one.

Simple fact of life: girls drink far less and put significantly less strain on their livers than you do during a night of drinking. That being said, during any sorority date function there is a level of relative sobriety expected of every guest. Notice I said “relative.” Nobody is saying you need to be able to recite every President of the United States in order, but being able to walk from one side of the room to the other is highly encouraged. Many sorority date functions go to exclusive locations such as concerts, theme parks, and professional sporting events. These are places where being rambunctiously drunk is a bad idea. Little Timmy’s father at the ballpark definitely won’t understand why you took his son’s ice cream cone and smashed it on his face, no matter how good the idea seemed to you.

Maintain Inter-Fraternal Relations

You may be one of those “I hate every other fraternity” guys, and I get that. House pride is great and all, and it’s totally normal to think yours is superior to others, but on date functions you are thrown into a ring of hostility. Regardless of your alcohol intake, it’s a good idea to either be cordial with your competitors or avoid them altogether. On the bright side, everyone is typically so wrapped up in trying to convince their date to do the no pants dance that expressions of male dominance are few and far between, but there are always exceptions. On the flip side, if someone is talking shit and needs to be reminded of his insignificance, then maybe a short “lesson” is permissible. Maybe you’ll get lucky and this expression of male dominance will get your date’s juices flowing. Who can really know?

Don’t Fuck in Public

This one may seem like a no-brainer to some of you, but it seems like with nearly every event I attend I find out that someone decided bumping uglies on the bus was a good idea. I’m sure it was all her fault, and her lethal combination of nymphomania and daddy issues makes it nearly impossible to say no, but for fuck’s sake try and have a little class. Last time I checked, there wasn’t a high demand for pornography starring you, and unwillingly subjecting a crowd to your testicular endeavors is just plain wrong. Find a bathroom if you literally can’t wait for the event to end to relieve yourself. If you have no choice, and you absolutely must sow your seed in the public eye, at least be a badass and do it on top of an administration building.

That’s it for now gents. I hope during future date functions you can heed my warnings and not be the dickhead that insists on making an ass of himself. If you slip up, it’s okay…you aren’t the first. I’ve committed every single “asshole” act listed above, and plenty more that aren’t.

  1. brogadishu_mile

    Are you trying to say there is a party in your pants, and that I’m invited?

    13 years ago at 2:28 pm
    1. Sorry for Chaying

      Typical Pike. XL anything is stupid and obnoxious. Grow up and wear something that is actually your size.

      13 years ago at 3:34 pm
    2. PiKappFratty

      Way over your head, Sorry for Chaying. Thank you gents for explaining to him the difference between Pi Kapp and Pike.

      13 years ago at 11:51 pm
  2. SEC Gameday Drunk

    knew of a kid that ditched a tridelt semi for a 40 year old’s birthday at the bar down the street

    13 years ago at 2:34 pm
    1. oneletterisbetter

      Gator, you go to a school where Tri Delta IS amazing. Worry about your own org.

      13 years ago at 11:17 am
    1. wardamnlxa

      considering charter bus windows can be rolled down, and please don’t tell me you’re on a school bus

      13 years ago at 12:32 am
    2. MagnoliasRoses1865

      A “party bus” of some sort. When you’re shuttling a bus every twenty minutes to an off-campus barn and band party, you need to be smart and economical. If it was a date function, it’d be a completely different matter.

      13 years ago at 12:24 pm
    3. MagnoliasRoses1865

      In more complex terminology, a fraternity-sponsored live band in a fraternity-sponsored venue separate from the fraternity house. Does that make sense to y’all?

      13 years ago at 9:44 pm
  3. SeeYouNT

    Pregaming and cash bars at the grindfest are the two best accessories for any sorority formal.

    13 years ago at 2:41 pm