How To Get In Shape For Shark Week


This year’s Shark Week is scheduled for June 26. This marks the earliest the national holiday has ever taken place during a calendar year. That means you have no other time than now to start trying to achieve all your fitness goals, whatever they may be. As usual, your friendly neighborhood aquatic fuckboy is here to help. Whether you’re going for the dad-on-a-boat body or you want to look intimidating enough to ask a bull shark if he even lifts, this information can help you get your game on point.

1. Get your menus planned in advance.

There is a lot that can be said about preparation. When you are trying to work on modifying your diet, it’s easy to slip back into old habits that don’t help your cause. When dinner time comes around you don’t want to realize time got away from you and find yourself saying “What am I going to do? I don’t have enough time to cook a whole meal before Anatomy of a Shark Bite: This Time It’s Personal comes on!” It saves a lot of unnecessary, last-minute scrambling and will work out for you in the long run.

2. Expand your drinking horizons.

If you are married to your one or two drinks of choice, you’re doing it wrong. Just like sharks, there is a staggering amount of variety when it comes to alcoholic opportunity. If you’re a light beer guy, try something hard and classy. If you’re stuck on your high horse, drinking only single barrel bourbon on the rocks, eat that horse and try a themed concoction like a Hammered Head, or a Great White Double Shot.

3. Surround yourself with positive influences.

If you want to look like a dad, surround yourself with guys who look like dads. See what they do and pick and choose aspects from their lifestyles that you can do. For the guys who aren’t concerned about looks but just want to feel better and have more energy, just get with guys whose energy level is where you want to get to and try to emulate their lifestyle. Do they get together and play softball every weekend? Do they go chumming before hitting the bars? You are the company you keep. Before long the student will become the master.

4. Don’t be afraid to get a little crazy.

If your goal is to lose 20 pounds, go get an arm or a leg bitten off. There is no quicker way to lose weight. I wouldn’t recommend relying on this technique often but it does work. It can be difficult but might be worth the sacrifice. After all, the golden rule about change is that the desire for it has to be greater than the pain it takes to get there.

5. Don’t stress too much.

Life is too short to worry so much. You don’t know when your time will come. You could get in an accident on the way to the gym or get caught in a fishing net. Aside from the general happiness this perspective will bring into your life, there is a specific hormone released into your brain when your chill level exceeds your stress level. This chemical accelerates the metabolic absorption of performance-enhancing macromolecules, which actually helps you do literally anything better than you could before: drink, mack on girls, lose weight, build mass, jump 10 feet out of the water trying to catch seals, you name it.

Image via Shutterstock

  1. 1_Rugey_Jentelman

    No one has lean, raw muscle like frat sharks. Do you cycle Muscle Holocaust or can’t stop won’t stop?

    8 years ago at 3:51 pm
      1. 1_Rugey_Jentelman

        Been doing this all day. Probably feels like a week if you’re actually reading my shit.

        8 years ago at 8:57 pm
  2. Q-tip

    I can always count on you SharkWeekTFM for a solid article, but I can never count on the intern to post Fail Friday on fucking time.

    8 years ago at 3:51 pm
  3. Its_Fraturday

    Dan, maybe if you jump in the shark tank at the aquarium they can eat you down to the ‘overweight’ BMI category.

    8 years ago at 4:16 pm
    1. Bush Light

      If Dan were at the zoo with his parents, the zoo wouldn’t kill the animals if he fell in the cage, they’d kill him.

      8 years ago at 4:30 pm
      1. SteveHoltOnDrugs

        Try it like this: Dan went to the zoo with his mother and fell into the gorilla cage. ‘Help, help!’ his mother cried. ‘My son has fallen into the gorilla cage!’ A zookeeper soon arrived with a rifle. He spotted the menacing, simian creature, took aim at the hairy, muscular beast, and shot Dan between the eyes.

        8 years ago at 6:50 pm
  4. Ron_Paul_2016

    My girlfriend almost broke up with me for constantly reading Shark Facts to her last year. I can’t wait for this year.

    8 years ago at 4:30 pm
    1. JakeFromState

      If a woman can’t grasp the excitement that comes with shark week due to the raw nature of it. That’s a woman I don’t like. I mean what’s cooler than seeing that seal fly 20 feet then get chomped down on?

      8 years ago at 7:26 pm