How to Overcome Being a Two-Pump Chump


According to Urban Dictionary, a two-pump chump is “A guy who, during sex, can’t contain his load for more than two measly thrusts. This leaves the woman shocked and extremely unsatisfied. Such men should either 1. Be shot 2. Kill themselves or 3. Become a priest. Such pathetic actions can evoke a very Angry Beaver” (which is apparently some psychopath’s way of saying “a disappointed vag”).

Now, let’s be honest. In every man’s life, there will come an evening when he utterly and embarrassingly underperforms in the bedroom, leaving his poor girlfriend/hookup/girl he met at the bar earlier that night so completely sexually dissatisfied that she no longer respects him enough to even steal a shacker shirt. Some of us experience this disappointing ineptitude a bit more often than others.

I do want to clarify that there is a difference between those of us who get uncontrollably turned on when the girl sucking our dick starts to make gagging noises (I mean, come on, that shit is hot) and the actual medical condition known as premature ejaculation. If you’re nutting all over yourself before you can even get your pants off, or have never lasted more than thirty seconds of overexcited humping, then you may want to seek professional medical help. However, if you, like me, just tend to have a bit of a quick draw on occasion, then here are a few suggestions for you that may help.

Jack off more.

If your offensive line tends to false start during the big games, then they need to take more reps during practice. Sometimes a man’s just got too much cum and needs to unload a little. More specifically, if you know/expect/are praying to the sex gods that you’ll get laid later in the evening, then jack off a little while before you go out for the night so your balls are a little less full. As long as it’s not within about an hour or so of show time, this shouldn’t prevent you from being able to perform.

Calm the fuck down.

No, I’m not being a sarcastic asshole. Seriously, calm the fuck down. You think you’re suffering from a physical problem, but I promise you, this issue is entirely mental. Take some slow, deep breaths and stop trying so hard to not cum. If the only thing on your mind during sex is finishing too quickly, then you know what’s going to happen? YOU’RE GOING TO FINISH TOO QUICKLY. Don’t overthink it, just focus on having a good time and you’ll last longer.

Make her cum first.

There have been some writers on this site who believe that a guy shouldn’t ever have to go down on a girl but I completely disagree. If you can go down on a girl and make her cum before she’s even touched your dick then you’re golden, my friend.* No matter what you do after that, she’s a satisfied customer. This completely removes all of the stress and allows you to focus on what’s really most important: enjoying the sex.

I know it sounds weird, but think about her dad.

If there’s one thing that unites men of all different ages, religions, and ethnicities, it’s a fear of being walked in on by a girl’s dad. You may not think about it often, but that girl you’re banging (you know, the one you disappoint on a semiweekly basis) has a father. And if you need something to quickly turn you off as you approach your climax, just picture her scary, former-military, Liam Neeson-looking father bursting through the doorway on you mid-thrust. If that doesn’t deflate your raging boner then I don’t know what will.

All in all, this isn’t as big of a problem as many people think, and girls really don’t care as much as we do (they’re usually not getting off from sex anyway), so chill out and get your fuck on.

*I’m also just a fan of eating pussy, what can I say. Ladies, hmu.

  1. East Coast

    Be careful with the dad strategy. A less-known but equally dangerous variation of the fear boner is the “fear ejac.”

    8 years ago at 11:20 am
    1. Billy Gates

      I thought about adding “unless you’re one of those psychos that gets off to fear” but didn’t think it would be necessary

      8 years ago at 8:00 am
  2. Hurricane Christie

    Thanks for the pointers, Bill! Hopefully I won’t be dealing with Mrs. Christie and her “Angry Beaver” tonight after we do the dirty deed !!

    8 years ago at 11:47 am