How To Solve The Debt Ceiling Crisis

If you’ve had the chance to take a break from chugging intensity and railing lines of fratitude, you might have heard that we have a debt crisis on our hands. Now, I could go into the specifics of how the debt ceiling actually works and an ideological explication of spending cuts vs. increased revenues, but there are half-naked girls outside, so I don’t have time for an economics lesson. In light of our impending need to enjoy the fruits of our non-labor, I’ll just jump right in to my three-pronged solution to not only balancing our budget, but also reducing our debt long-term.

1. When you need to trim the fat in a business, you don’t raise your prices or lower your quality, you first sell off the assets that aren’t performing for you. In this situation, that would be Iraq. But, Dick, how can we sell a country that isn’t technically ours? My answer is simple: if you use the word “technically,” one more time, I’m gonna punch you in the balls with my foot. We’ve pumped more money into that sinkhole than a self-conscious cougar on cosmetic surgery. What have we gotten out of it? A bunch of whiny liberals and higher oil prices. It’s time to cut the cord. Who’s in the market for a hot, sandy, semi-worn country these days? Well, I’m sure Iran would perk their ears up a bit, but I’m thinking we shouldn’t be handing over a whole country full of angry Muslims to another country full of angry Muslims that also happens to hate our existence. However, there is a group that is currently looking to relocate that would definitely be in the market: fundamentalist Mormons. I’m not talking about your nice, “no thank you, I don’t drink caffeine” Mormons. I mean the crazy ones that actually have multiple wives and (probably) secret gun caches. Those guys scare the living shit out of me. So what happens when you throw a hardcore, misogynist religious sect into a country full of hardcore, misogynist religious types? Do they get along? Nope. They fight the fuck out of each other. It’s like killing two insanely religious birds with one stone.

2. Let’s monetize the elections process. Thanks to the 24 hour news cycle and the crazy amounts of private money spent on elections, it’s already a circus, so the US government might as well make some money for itself. There are several female candidates out there who, while attractive, are making their parties look bad. So to solve this, we hold one spot per party open for a female candidate. Then, we do a pay-per-view event where all the female candidate hopefuls bikini wrestle each other until there’s only one winner. It’ll make Europe hate us more, enrage feminists, and give everyone the answer to “I wonder what Sarah Palin would look like in a bikini.” You can’t tell me you wouldn’t dish out $50 and have a watch party for that at the fratcastle.

3. Throw a government-sponsored rager on every major holiday. I’m not talking about fireworks and hot dogs here. I’m saying get all of the best elements from music festivals, the adult film awards, and an international arms expo and put it all into an extended weekend full of beer, girls, music and fighter jet flyovers. Companies representing the best of America will all have booths giving out free shit and, to top it all off, one fraternity will be picked each year to organize these festivals based on said fraternity’s experience with throwing parties, controlling unruly GDIs and general badassery. Not only will all of these events be indescribably awesome, but they’ll also give every fraternity in America just one more excuse to take their partying skills to the next level. And can you imagine how much revenue a nationwide USA party with corporate sponsors and a solid admission price would generate? Again, I could crunch the numbers, but that’s not my job. I’m an idea man.

Now, obviously, none of these things are gonna get done with wet-blanket Obama still in office. So here’s what we do. Take these ideas to each Republican presidential candidate, and see how they feel about them. The one who’s the most on board with our plan gets the fraternity vote and the fraternity money (ok, alumni money). That way, we’ll have our voice heard in the next term, and we’ll be able to narrow all our candidates down to one, party-supportive candidate. I’m thinking Ron Paul. That dude looks like he’s railed a few lines off some strippers in his day.

    1. Fratasaurus

      Obviously black people should be the first to go. We need to finish what we started.

      13 years ago at 7:20 pm
    1. A Frattest H

      You should totally submit your column addressing the same issue in a satirical fasion. It’s ok, we’ll wait.

      13 years ago at 8:00 pm
  1. AnimalHouse1897

    Michelle Bachmann is probably a better candidate than Palin even though she is less attractive. Shes like those middle/lower tier sororities that no one likes because they try way harder than everyone else and win homecoming and greek week. In other words: you may not slam them, but you will most certainly copy their accounting homework.

    13 years ago at 7:53 pm
    1. High_Phive1848

      If the election were tomorrow, neither one would beat Obama. Hate to say it but right now that is really all that matters.

      13 years ago at 7:58 pm
  2. the nelson

    Expected a freshman eco answer. Pleasantly suprised. Now if we can just get congress to stop being so shortsided.

    13 years ago at 7:53 pm
    1. RagingMegaHugeBroner

      nelson i just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed your position paper on economic expansion in Micronesia

      13 years ago at 8:13 pm
  3. Southern_sphinx

    Herman Cain! He might be a minority but he is a damned business man and hates Obama.

    13 years ago at 8:15 pm
    1. brostock

      ConFratterate, listen to him. He wants to be white more than Michael Jackson. He may not be the best presidential candidate because of his complete lack of political experience, but throw that fucker in as a VP and he would fuck shit up in the best way possible.

      13 years ago at 2:28 pm
  4. Tallapoosa Snu

    I think it’s mostly Canada’s fault. If we just took Canada, it’d be totally fine.

    13 years ago at 8:23 pm
    1. Frat 4 Life

      we should take mexico while we’re at it too and just unite North America. All the Central American countries will come easy…. but the language will still be English

      13 years ago at 11:32 am
    1. Boston BroSox

      Ending the Fed is a huge NF move. Please learn something about economics before you spew your idiotic ideas. The Fed keeps the economy balanced.

      13 years ago at 8:52 pm
    2. StayFrattyAlum

      Hey Boston – do you know anything about the Fed? How it was founded, by whom, and why? Just making sure your not regurgitating your micro/macro econ text.

      13 years ago at 9:10 pm
    3. Broby Petrino

      I mean, it does balance the economy. However, it is rather ineffective. Ending the Fed is implausible because our lending system has become so dependent on it. However, it really needs to be audited. Much like the tax code, it needs to be reworked and re imagined.

      13 years ago at 9:12 pm
    4. ReaganIsFaF

      What a great idea! Let’s destroy the system that keeps our economy afloat and balanced! Maybe you should go read a book and check out what happened the last time we didn’t have a national banking system. Spoiler: Runaway inflation.

      13 years ago at 9:14 pm
    5. Steamboat Bill

      Ending the Fed would be impossible you’re right. And the Fed may balance the money supply, but what it also does is inflate the dollar and support our already extremely expanse government into spending the fuck out of our tax dollars. It creates and supports a boom and bust cycle of our economy. Remember that whole stimulus bullshit? Yeah wtf did that do for our economy? Look up Keynsian economics and that’s what Obama is doing with his control (thats right I said control) over the Fed. By the way, the government attempts to pay off its own debts by printing money to buy and sell U.S. Treasury bonds…think about that for a second….wait for it….that’s right they’re pulling money out of thin air to “reduce” their debt. The Fed is supposed to protect us from inflation, volatile interest rates, volatile exchange rates, mass unemployment, and recessions or depressions… causes all of those. Take a real econ class.

      13 years ago at 9:21 pm
    6. The Confederacy

      Well put Steamboat. BTW get any Keynesian bull shit out here. Keynes has been proven wrong for a long time now. Under Obama’s admin, unemployment has gone up, the dollar has devalued, and government spending is roughly 25% compared to 18-20% historically. Supply side economics is the best way to get out of a recession (Reagan recovery of the 80’s), not trying to have the government spend its way out of it.

      13 years ago at 9:29 pm
    7. StayFrattyAlum

      I like the debate, guys. Let me just throw something else in there. The CPI doesn’t have energy or food in the basket index. Real inflation today, is around 8-10%.

      13 years ago at 9:36 pm
    8. Go Frat Win

      The Federal Reserve needs to be audited at the very least. There is absolutely no transparency in an organization that has so much power over our money supply and our economy. The Fed does not keep the economy balanced. Within the last decade, we have seen the Fed’s loose money policies blow up our economy with low interest rates. This caused the crash of 2008. Today, the Fed’s solution to an economy in the tank due to low interest rates and loose money? Lower interest rates. Doesn’t this seem suspicious to you? Although the Fed does “balance” the money supply, it is balanced by definition alone. The Fed’s balancing acts cause inflation which causes bigger busts and a greater reliance upon an already broken system.

      13 years ago at 10:09 pm
    9. Bro420

      Do you want your money to be literally exchangeable for gold? How is that not anything but FaF? If you think the fed keeps us on an even keel you’ve gotta pay more attention to economic laws. Being ahead of the curve is what people in a fraternity do…bro. If RP was elected we would have control of every level of government in five years.

      13 years ago at 12:16 am
    10. IvyFrat

      Saying that the Fed protects the money supply is like saying Affirmative Action creates jobs.

      13 years ago at 8:47 am
    11. newmoneyoldclass

      the fed controls money supply, in turn controlling interest rates. in this way they had a decision to manipulate these factors into either shorter recession, higher inflation, or longer recession, lower inflation, and they chose the former. is shit still fucked, yeah, but i’m not sure of many people who could make decisions like that on a daily basis and always get it right. and i doubt anyone here is responsible for the livelihood of 300 mil. people like mr bernanke

      13 years ago at 10:46 am
    12. IvyFrat

      Yeah, arbitrarily supporting conflicting mandates is fucking retarded. Why not let natural scarcity or the private market (a la free banking) allow people to store value as they wish?

      13 years ago at 10:29 am
    1. I Piss Excellence

      Given that they own our debt, wouldn’t this be like killing your bookie instead of paying him after you lose a bet?

      13 years ago at 12:58 am