I Don’t Appreciate Soccer, Here’s Why

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If you are among the 99.99 percent of people who are blessed with the ability to use your legs, congratulations–you already possess the basic, necessary skills to play the game of soccer. There are no real skills to acquire. There are only basic, bodily movements to refine. I have several issues with the game, but this is my main beef.

I’ve never played an organized game of soccer in my life, but take me out to the yard right now, kick a ball to me, and I’ll kick it right the fuck back. Want me to punt it? I’ll punt the shit out of it. Ask me to dribble it, and I’ll dribble it good enough. Boom. I’m a soccer player. I might not be all that good, and I might get gassed pretty quickly if I was playing in an actual game, but I’m out there, and I’m doing it. And I won’t even look stupid. Why? Because I walk, run, and kick like a normal, coordinated person who grew up playing sports. That’s all the game truly entails–basic movements of your limbs over an extended period of time, the same basic movements you learn as a toddler.

Conversely, you put a baseball bat in Lionel Messi’s hands and put him out there against an average NCAA pitcher, and he’ll look like a complete fool. Hand Cristiano Ronaldo a 7-iron and point him toward a green, and you’ll see that he’s out of his element before the club face even strikes the ball. You challenge Clint Dempsey to hit a 15-foot J with a hand in his face, and I’d bet my car he’ll miss it. The same goes for hockey and, to a lesser degree, the real kind of football.

I mean it. I can blend in on the biggest stage soccer has to offer. Out there among the very best in the world, you wouldn’t be able to differentiate me from soccer’s elite with the camera panned out. First of all, I’m relatively fit, so I’d pass the initial eyeball inspection. Throw a jersey and some shin guards on me, and I’d look like the rest of these soccer turds. Like a flanker hovering on the outskirts of a street brawl who doesn’t intend to get in the mix, I’d run around and follow the action from a safe distance, as to not get found out a total fraud.

I won’t score. I won’t run up and down the field at a steadily quick pace. I won’t fit a perfect pass through a tight window. I will actually provide zero value whatsoever to my team. I’ll blend, though.

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A casual observer wouldn’t pick up on my shortcomings. If the ball comes to me, I’ll pass it right away. Easy. Defense? No problem. I’m athletic enough to stay in front of my man with a sizable cushion. And if anyone comes uncomfortably close to me, I’ll flop and flail around on the ground like I was sniped by a crazed fan in the upper deck–like a giant soccer vagina.

Look at these idiots. Flopping isn’t merely a problem of the game. It’s become an accepted and integral part of it–and sometimes the only way to break a tie after an exhilarating 80 minutes of scoreless action.

Soccer is simply boring as fuck.

      1. Fratty_Powers

        With a fast paced game and extra time a box to box midfielder could easily be around that.

        6 years ago at 3:17 pm
      2. UpsidedownBackwardsVisor

        In a fast-paced game a striker would be around that and they don’t even go behind center field.

        6 years ago at 9:20 pm
      3. FratShannon69

        According to The Sunday Times website, midfielders in England’s Premiership worked the hardest in the 2005-06 season, running on average 7 miles, 246 yards per game….this is awkward.

        6 years ago at 3:22 pm
      4. WilderThanVan

        Do you get all your information from “The Sunday Times” website? Was the guy that reported this on his 10th breakfast pastry, smoking a cig and sipping on a cafe mocha? 7 miles doesn’t equal 246 yards, End to end most fields are 120 yards long touchline to touchline. It’s ok though I fucking hate math anyways….the fucking Sunday Times hahahaha

        6 years ago at 4:57 am
      5. WilderThanVan

        ^ (you’re an* idiot) No worries I knew what you meant PA_Bro.

        Let me elaborate on something for you. Commas will fuck your shit up in life. Much like FratShannon69’s comment. Secondly, if you are getting your sport facts from “The Sunday Times”, especially any soccer facts, then you have NO PLACE speaking on this subject. That and your elaboration on how I am the idiot would be a gentleman’s way of handling things. Otherwise, I advise breaking your fingers as I advised Dorn do for writing this article. Funny he brought in diving in his revision of this article. Nobody dives in basketball or AMERICAN football to get the foul because that wouldn’t be AMERICAN. Go kick rocks.

        6 years ago at 2:36 pm
    1. Fstar

      Lap me all you want but there is absolutely no way the average soccer player runs 10 miles in a match. No fucking way. Think about it logically for a second and you would agree

      6 years ago at 3:17 pm
      1. WilderThanVan

        ^ Another midfielder that has played club ball. Dorn you should just put up a POLL Dorn and let the PEOPLE VOTE.

        6 years ago at 5:04 am
      2. WilderThanVan

        Fstar, you haven’t played the damn sport then or you would know that 10 miles is like a frigging beer run. I would know because I have played on highly competitive levels as an outside mid and was required to hit line to line and not stop moving as a wing. Other teams would cycle 2-4 players on me throughout a game.
        UpsidedownBakwardsVisor: I didn’t lap you because that comment shows your like of insight on the sport. It is possible depending on tactics and formation for a center mid to run more than a winger. It is also possible for a winger to run more than a center mid. It is more common for a winger to run more than any other player on the field and yes Visor that includes the Goalkeeper.

        6 years ago at 2:45 pm
    2. Speaker John Boehner

      He admitted he would get winded…but 10 miles is a little much. If a game is 90 mins, you aren’t keeping up a 9 min mile pace the whole game. Definitely closer to 6 or 7

      6 years ago at 9:35 pm
      1. SwayzeCrazy

        Midfielders especially run about 15 km a game, and a 9 minute mile pace is an easy jog for these guys… Even at good high school programs, players are expected to be keeping up at least a 6 minute mile pace for 2+ miles, so extend that to a world stage with guys like Ronaldo and Bale among others…..

        6 years ago at 10:29 pm
      2. Mr.Burns57

        he’s not saying they can’t run a 9 minute mile nimrod, he’s saying they don’t run at that pace in game. It’s funny how the only people getting down votes in this series of comments are the only people who know what the hell they’re talking about. A midfielder runs anywhere between 6 and 8 miles during a game, anything more than 8 miles is unusual, end of story.

        6 years ago at 8:32 pm
      3. SwayzeCrazy

        I really have no need to prove my knowledge of the game to you, but first off 15KM is 9 miles (i.e. your point and my point coincide pretty closely), second I know he didn’t say they couldn’t run a 9 minute mile, I simply made the statement that they could fairly easily keep up that pace the entire game, addressing the point he made stating “you aren’t keeping up a nine minute mile pace the entire game”


        6 years ago at 6:13 pm
      4. Speaker John Boehner

        No doubt they COULD keep the pace if they wanted to…but my overall point was that they do not run that much. But since when does having great endurance make the sport interesting? I don’t sit around and watch cross country

        6 years ago at 11:58 pm
      5. WilderThanVan

        We had to do 6 minute mile pace for our 5 mile run in high school but we won States and were ranked Nationally. Running over 8 miles a game is not unusual even in high school, it just depends on how competitive the teams you play are. I play left and center midfielder and averaged 12 miles a game. Ronaldo plays more on the attacking side of mid field, your runners are always the wings. When you shit on people and make them cry Dorn then go play against professionals IN SOCCER then talk about the sport as if it were the same as shaking a baby rattle. But you guys are right most mids run between 6-12 miles a game, just depends on coaching, tactics, if you are in fact capable of playing all 90 minutes at pace and how many after game smashes are watching. . . . fuck soccer though right?

        6 years ago at 4:37 am
  1. kcommers

    This is the dumbest fucking article I’ve ever read on this site, and that’s saying a lot.

    6 years ago at 2:59 pm
    1. SwayzeCrazy

      I’d like to see Dorn go out to the track and run a 100M dash in the Olympics… I mean running is a natural human instinct, and there’s not even anything else involved (i.e. kicking a ball), should be able to blend in really well right?

      6 years ago at 2:34 pm
      1. KyleScott

        That’s assuming there isn’t a little boy at the end of the dash waiting for him.

        6 years ago at 2:56 am
    2. Frat_Kuchar

      None of these angry soccer fans have a response for all the flopping in the sport.

      6 years ago at 6:45 pm
    1. The Golden Fleece

      The intern is talking back to ya Dorn. Are you going to take this shit?

      6 years ago at 10:46 am
  2. TheCatInTheFrat

    The whole flopping thing is ridiculous and is the worst part of soccer and definitely sucks ass, not gonna fight you there. Idk if you were being sarcastic about the whole blending in thing, but i laughed

    6 years ago at 3:00 pm
  3. DontMindTheGPA

    Would you be able to make a 15-foot J with a hand in your face, Dorn? Not saying you can’t, I’d actually just really like to see that

    6 years ago at 3:01 pm
  4. AA is for quitters

    “And I won’t even look stupid.”

    I can promise you with absolute certainty that this is 100% wrong.

    6 years ago at 3:01 pm
    1. WilderThanVan

      That’s Co-ed intramural with in coming freshmen girls that finished last in their region, division and state, in which case all chicks on the field fell to their knees offering free on field blow jobs to the opposing defenders and keeper which allowed for Dorn’s natural instinct of walking the ball and lightly kicking it in the goal as no one watched. Not even the referee due to his free services being performed as well.

      6 years ago at 5:01 am
  5. Ross Bolen

    “I’m athletic enough to stay in front of my man with a sizable cushion.” HAHAHAHAHA

    6 years ago at 3:02 pm
    1. UpsidedownBackwardsVisor

      The thing is that even in his context that is bullshit. Look up some of the tricks the pros pull and then see if you can make that statement.

      6 years ago at 9:16 pm