Fuck Clowns
A few nights ago, I was dialing the suicide hotline as Cam Newton was partially decapitated, when my idiot roommate bursts through the door acting crazy.
“Siblings,” he says in exasperation after the 20-foot walk from the elevator.
“You’re not going to fucking believe this. There are clowns in Carolina trying to murder people. Trying to murder people in the fucking woods. Machete clowns! It’s like a fucking Eli Roth movie man holy shit.”
Can I believe that clowns have the capacity to kill? Honestly, I can’t believe he, or anyone else, is surprised in the slightest by this. We live in a world largely driven by superficial success — fast cars, big houses, expensive degrees, and the advancement of plastic surgery morphing our species closer and closer to breathing Barbie and Ken dolls. We’ve got neurosurgeons buying their teenage daughters fake tits so TFM commenters can jerk off to their Instagram posts. The average American is nearly $30k in credit card debt to keep up with the Joneses, and more total funds are spent domestically on hair care than the entire GDP of small nations. We are, without a doubt, a country that cares deeply about our surface interactions.
So, with that in mind, I have always been fascinated, and rightly terrified to no end, by the grown man that decides to cover himself in cartoonish makeup and humiliate himself for the world to see. Now, at least in the case of other masochistic and deeply disturbed individuals without shame, such as porn stars and Rob Lowe in the Direct TV commercials, a few loads to the face and/or reminding everyone your precipitous career decline can come with a great deal of compensation. No pun intended.
But this is not the case for a clown. The nameless, faceless, freaks sporting polka dotted overalls, fire crotched hair, and your grandmother’s eye shadow are paid similarly to a disgraced TFM freelancer, damning themselves to an endless professional life of humiliation. You’re taking assorted objects to the face, scaring the fuck out of everyone that sees you, making absolutely no money, and spending a vast majority of your time with small children.
What is most troubling here is the actual psychology of a man willing to do this. First of all, you can’t possibly have a family, or at least you must hate them. How can you tell Mom and Dad, the people who cradled you in their arms as a baby imagining all the wonderful successes your life could bring, that you want to go to fucking clown college? And no, I don’t mean Arizona State. I mean literal clown college. How about trying to have a significant other? Hey baby, sorry I am going to be late for dinner. A four-year-old threw up all over me while attempting to slam my face with a shaving cream pie. See you soon! I just don’t see it.
So, in reality, what we have here is a group of largely nameless psychopaths who get some sort of bizarre satisfaction (I’m afraid it’s sexual…yeah definitely sexual) out of being the characters most people have nightmares about, spending far too much time with toddlers that already despise them like the plague of humanity that they are, and apparently now in attempting to lure people to their own death. This, to me at least, is a logical progression into a delirium that any grown man willing to do this must be suffering immensely from.
People of the Carolinas, and the rest of this great country, for too long have we allowed this clear threat to wander faceless amidst our family mandated birthday parties for cousins we didn’t know we had, scaring and scarring both children and adults alike with their red noses, Geisha makeup, and general self-loathing. The first clown I come across near a wooded area is getting a foot so far up his ass..
Image via Shutterstock
Except I live in NC, and they’ve all be fake/prank calls so far. Check out MSN news today. Guy got arrested for making the entire thing up the other day. It happened in SC. Once. And now everyone swears that it’s legit all over.
8 years ago at 9:36 amI’m surprised you dodged your bookie long enough to write an article, considering you probably have a net worth of $0 after the LSU and Carolina games.
8 years ago at 9:36 amArticles like this make me want to kill myself
8 years ago at 9:40 amLet’s get those locks for the week Sibs. Gonna do the exact opposite of whatever the fuck you say
8 years ago at 9:50 amASU is basically clown college though
8 years ago at 10:01 amWOP!!
8 years ago at 10:33 amThe Ringling Brothers Clown College supposedly has an acceptance rate of 1.3%. ASU is like 84%. So actually, it is legit harder to get into clown college than ASU.
8 years ago at 10:42 am1.3% is probably lower than 99% of colleges in the country.
8 years ago at 11:07 amHarverd is like 5%
8 years ago at 2:25 pmI wonder if Harvard is harder to get into.
8 years ago at 7:12 amNice to see you’ve resorted to articles about clowns after your successful betting these past 2 weeks.
8 years ago at 10:20 amOnly good experience Ive had with a clown was when I realized John favreau was the clown in that one Seinfeld episode. That was dope
8 years ago at 10:33 amWhat’s next Siblings, all in on Ole Miss this week? I bet you threw lots of bills on the Pats, too.
8 years ago at 10:41 amThe Pats covered by double digits.
8 years ago at 11:46 amSiblings needs to crank out 30 articles a day to pay off his shitty picks
8 years ago at 10:41 amWhy the fuck did I read this?
8 years ago at 11:25 am