The Day I Stopped Living A Lie And Decided To Identify As A Plant
October 4, 2016. This was the day I came out of the botanical closet, a deep dark abyss I’ve been trapped in all my life. I always felt like I was living a lie, like I didn’t recognize my reflection in the mirror. But on that day, I finally stepped out into the light, and began converting sunshine into chemical energy.
I decided to identify as a plant.
Growing up, I remember seeing plants in pictures and on TV and thinking, “That’s me. I’m like that.” When I was a kid, my parents tried to dress me in boy’s clothes and get me to play with action figures. But me? I wanted to run around in nothing but fern leaves and hit other children with tree branches. I feel like I knew even then, at such an early age, that the plant life was my life. But, as Kermit the Frog says, “It ain’t easy being green” — so I hid my true self from the world around me.
As a teenager, when all my friends were starting to date and grow into their adult identities, I spent my time gazing out the window and yearning to self-pollinate.
Recently, like so many others, my university mandated new guidelines to respect the personal identities of their students. I finally found the courage to come out for what I really was: a northern green alder. I printed out a badge directing people to call me by my preferred pronoun, “tree.” My university and professors had to accommodate me in every way, assigning me a dedicated arborist to meet my special and specific needs. I do all my classes outside, where I can comfortably photosynthesize. I also no longer take exams, because it is against my nature.
A group of social justice-minded students came up to me in the quad last week and angrily told me to stop pretending to be a tree, because they felt that I was mocking people who truly feel uncomfortable and discriminated against in their bodies. I politely asked them to “respect my journey.” It’s sad and disheartening that such intolerance still exists.
I like to think I’ve been an inspiration to others. This vegan girl in my chem class joined me yesterday. Without a word, she stripped off her clothes, dug a hole, and took root beside me. She hasn’t moved for 48 hours. I haven’t seen her eat or drink anything in all that time either.
Now, I may be a tree, but I’m not a moron. You still need to fucking eat, lady. What an idiot..
Image via Shutterstock
TFM is officially dead. This was unbelievably awful.
8 years ago at 12:33 pmI don’t think they’ve put it together that their poor quality product is the cause of their failing business. To remedy, they fire anyone who produces decent content. Awful management.
8 years ago at 2:05 pmSome of the worst I’ve ever seen. The comments section is about the only reason I open this app anymore.
8 years ago at 2:53 pmThe last good thing was IBOTD and now bitch tits is gone so the site is no longer even close to worth my time.
8 years ago at 4:12 pmI got your root right here, asshole.
8 years ago at 12:34 pmI’m starting to wonder if you’re actually a doctor…
8 years ago at 12:36 pmhe’s a doctor of philosophy so no.
8 years ago at 5:39 pmHow about you try identifying as a good writer?
8 years ago at 12:41 pmNo new photos in 2 weeks, no wall posts in 3 weeks, shitty articles. #MakeTFMFratAgain
8 years ago at 1:01 pmI think Zinky won.
8 years ago at 2:20 pmIf I have to look at that fucking grill master one more time I’m gonna shit in the commons
8 years ago at 7:05 pmWell we know you can’t identify as a good writer.
8 years ago at 1:04 pmI hope your pollen aggravates Dorn’s allergies more
8 years ago at 1:11 pmPosting quality content. TFM
8 years ago at 1:16 pmI used to come on TFM with the mentality “hey what college, interesting, and Greek related events has been happening for the past 36 hours?” But no this is the garbage now. No more babes of the day, I’ve been looking at my own stupid fucking comment about homie for two weeks now, seriously it’s the middle of the semester and no one has submitted anything worthy of being “frat” enough to post, how the hell is there at least not some dick nugget looking over a crowd or a crowded day party submission, or goddamnit a tailgate full bar, for fucksake? But no grill master and his aluminum can dick stand tall, with homie, (who I’m questioning could possibly be security). fail Friday is no longer my Friday morning “thirsty Thursday’s liquor shit” routine because it isn’t posted until I’m belligerently drunk by 6pm every Friday. Fuck grandex you cheap ass bastards. You drove this site from what used to be a great place to find out interesting college related news for shits and giggles into an ad placed in a dumpster fire of a poop factory. You went all PC by removing rush boobs and focused on “views and site traffic” instead of keeping your roots of what made this site fun. Fuck you grandex Corp fuck nuts
8 years ago at 1:25 pmReal.
8 years ago at 1:44 pmI want my laps don’t like this
8 years ago at 6:34 pmTrees don’t write lame articles for TFM. Be true to your beliefs.
8 years ago at 1:40 pm