I Informed The World That Eating Vag Causes Cancer And Black Twitter Lost It, Fam
A couple days ago, I stumbled upon a study confirming that human papillomavirus, once thought by many to cause cancer exclusively in women, could also cause throat cancer in men. The most common way for a man to contract the disease? By munching her box.
Eating Vag Causes Cancer, According To Science. https://t.co/vHP8SUIBiU pic.twitter.com/DQWOwli66V
— Total Frat Move (@totalfratmove) January 21, 2016
Now, I guess the honest-to-journalism headline would have been something like “Study Finds That HPV Causes Throat Cancer In Men.” But that just doesn’t have the same ring to it as “SCIENCE SAYS EATING VAG CAUSES CANCER.” A lot of people accused me of clickbaiting, but I don’t regret the choice in wording one bit. Why? Because…
A) Munching box leads to HPV, which leads to cancer. Some might call leaving out the middle part of the equation “alarmist” or “FOX News-ish.” I prefer to call it “utilizing the transitive property.” It’s basically applied mathematics. Read a fucking book, you scrubs.
B) My genius wordsmithing abilities launched the story into a part of the internet that TFM content doesn’t usually reach — and the results were beautiful.
When Black Twitter caught a whiff of the news, they popped the fuck off, fam. Story blew up in a big way.
Hundreds of people, like myself, vowed to eat furburger until the day their emaciated, cancer-stricken bodies breathe their final, gargling breaths of life.
I’ll end up with cancer RT @totalfratmove: Eating Vag Causes Cancer, According To Science. https://t.co/sXuxto8hD1 pic.twitter.com/6zkg9WIVV0
— لآ (@BlxxdyB) January 22, 2016
This how ima die rightchea RT @totalfratmove: Eating Vag Causes Cancer, According To Science https://t.co/zztF5lRZqU pic.twitter.com/yhCN2SxmE9
— young og (@_TonyHilfiger) January 22, 2016
Science can go jump….off a bridge….with a knife….to the neck Ain't no gah damn way eating pussy causing cancer fam….
— KLHJR (@Flyer_thanu2) January 22, 2016
.@totalfratmove pic.twitter.com/izctWYWH2C
— Dej (@DejiOB) January 22, 2016
We all gotta die someday RT @totalfratmove: Eating Vag Causes Cancer, According To Science. https://t.co/qHZJNTqXoK pic.twitter.com/fLP05TpxQO
— Anthony Donahue Jr. (@ColumbiaXI) January 22, 2016
Just sign me up for Chemo, I'll be straight. RT. @totalfratmove: Eating Vag Causes Cancer, According To Science. https://t.co/q0zyHVCSkU
— BJ The Dallas Kid (@DOPEITSBJ) January 22, 2016
Cancer me up then nigga RT @totalfratmove: Eating Vag Causes Cancer, According To Science. https://t.co/7apNJEg6zo pic.twitter.com/KtSyNM89Yu
— Big Head (@Brokequan9378) January 22, 2016
Came in the world real I'll go out the same way RT @totalfratmove Eating Vag Causes Cancer, According To Science. https://t.co/Z2Cxt0heM7
— C.W. (@Chrisworldpeace) January 22, 2016
We all gotta die some time "@totalfratmove: Eating Vag Causes Cancer, According To Science. https://t.co/DByXENnDm8 pic.twitter.com/aWPAaJNYu3"
— yeah man (@WatchYazz) January 22, 2016
Cancer not that bad "@totalfratmove Eating Vag Causes Cancer, According To Science. https://t.co/ZnzslEcZDi
— Ashy (@CliftonWebbster) January 22, 2016
guess im catching cancer RT @totalfratmove: Eating Vag Causes Cancer, According To Science. https://t.co/HMAbLIMvBx pic.twitter.com/ymekHF4biN
— ℳ (@telldreamz) January 22, 2016
That mean ass toe gettin ate RT @totalfratmove Eating Vag Causes Cancer,According To Science https://t.co/WJ6lhz3MgZ pic.twitter.com/jEOblOKWiJ
— Heywood Jablomie? (@HoodCertified) January 22, 2016
@totalfratmove @_AllUpOnThat Cancer is delicious.
— MILLARD LYGHT (@numberfortyfive) January 22, 2016
always knew I'd die in the pussy RT @totalfratmove: Eating Vag Causes Cancer, According To Science. https://t.co/ELLYyz4Wpq
— trey (@badboytrey) January 24, 2016
@totalfratmove "you have to die doing what you love"
— R. (@drake_blakk) January 22, 2016
Others were simultaneously amused by my foreign lingo and baffled by my unflinching honesty.
YALL NEED TO ACTUALLY READ THIS ARTICLE LMFAOOOOOO pic.twitter.com/zPB1olW9IO
— Woof Blitzer (@I_Exude_Sarcasm) January 22, 2016
White people lingo is so damn funny RT @TRASHYMAGIC: I_Exude_Sarcasm her ham wallet lmfaoooo
— Woof Blitzer (@I_Exude_Sarcasm) January 22, 2016
@I_Exude_Sarcasm …so not only is he saying he has a small penis, he's saying his sex game is odee trash…
— The Contro1freak! (@thecontro1freak) January 22, 2016
Some were crushed by the news:
@totalfratmove pic.twitter.com/ubDRv2Siqg
— egg boy 2.11 (@wheresthabread) January 22, 2016
@totalfratmove pic.twitter.com/DxMXsZTOKr
— fer (@vflvv) January 22, 2016
Some sought an oral alternative:
looks like i have to start eating ass @totalfratmove
— SoaR Retro (@SoaRRetro) January 22, 2016
That's y I switched to the bootyhole @totalfratmove
— tant X (@smurtnat) January 22, 2016
These girls got in an all-out Twitter war. Just go to each other’s track meets. Sheesh.
@efftrackfiend don't @ me in shit bitch u r acting crazy.
— lilith ✨ (@idreamofginy_) January 22, 2016
@efftrackfiend I asked u when ur next track meet was last track meet n u said feb do what u want.
— lilith ✨ (@idreamofginy_) January 22, 2016
@efftrackfiend THATS WHAT YOU SAID BITCH. YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH. Tf
— lilith ✨ (@idreamofginy_) January 22, 2016
Others were skeptical:
"@totalfratmove Eating Vag Causes Cancer, According To Science." pic.twitter.com/BL91akxQWJ
— ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ (@LeeLeeTheCat) January 22, 2016
@totalfratmove Stop pic.twitter.com/hrLA2QN9sl
— A$AP Coonrod (@ACstaywoke) January 22, 2016
@totalfratmove https://t.co/MzpRGsggkV
— Leon Phelps (@Juice4DaThirsty) January 22, 2016
@totalfratmove pic.twitter.com/Hagj4c7IP3
— Xavier Williams (@XsMarksTheSpot) January 22, 2016
@totalfratmove pic.twitter.com/JRDWyxAuTO
— Magnum. (@PapiMonroee) January 22, 2016
@totalfratmove must be white vag pic.twitter.com/icjwLs4U9B
— I M A N I (@YoungNubi) January 22, 2016
"@totalfratmove Eating Vag Causes Cancer, According To Science. https://t.co/W41x3uSlko" pic.twitter.com/oliDnbcZwW
— Mrs. Robert Kelly (@AgelessAmbiti0n) January 22, 2016
Some just didn’t know how to feel…
" @totalfratmove : Eating Vag Causes Cancer, According To Science. https://t.co/RkIop9hMAd pic.twitter.com/OWqZfWED1L " pic.twitter.com/4StqpfGD49
— YOUNG HOT EBONY (@YOUNGHOTEBONY_) January 22, 2016
RT @totalfratmove: Eating Vag Causes Cancer, According To Science. https://t.co/YstI86mrxL pic.twitter.com/yWQ81gt7K0 pic.twitter.com/WHEAjrG3s2
— 60 Shots (@CzarMarley) January 22, 2016
This lady was turned on:
*smacks lips* RT @totalfratmove: Eating Vag Causes Cancer, According To Science. https://t.co/rJ71nriaeo pic.twitter.com/CDmfPZKaaK
— Reaux. (@MafiosoRo) January 22, 2016
Anime Twitter in the house:
@totalfratmove @yandereonee Like I care smh pic.twitter.com/8zPerYTFml
— Jesse Clifton (@Lopiky1) January 24, 2016
@totalfratmove pic.twitter.com/oVPJlhDlod
— faif (@FaithRies) January 22, 2016
@totalfratmove @DevonTheGreatt pic.twitter.com/vZxI46zNK6
— nai (@iannaicatan) January 22, 2016
Oh, internet. You never cease to surprise me..
Image via YouTube
This how ima die rightchea
9 years ago at 10:57 pmGo home Dorn, you’re drunk
9 years ago at 10:59 pmYou’re going to die from ovarian cancer.
9 years ago at 11:21 pmBet it’s cool being able to give unlimited laps and continuously upvote yourself
9 years ago at 9:54 amCancer me up then
9 years ago at 10:59 pmyou’re already on you’re way to get diabetes, don’t trip.
9 years ago at 11:11 pmyour*
9 years ago at 11:12 pmGet a hobby, kid.
9 years ago at 10:30 amthis is my hobby bitch
9 years ago at 3:51 pmSome really interesting Twitter handles being represented there.
9 years ago at 11:02 pmReal talk tho, gonna need you guys to update us on the whole track meet situation
9 years ago at 11:03 pmEhh I’m not worried. Dip, cigs and beer will get me first
9 years ago at 11:07 pmvery frat bro
9 years ago at 11:11 pmBlack Twitter is a scary and intimidating world.
9 years ago at 11:08 pmif you’re soft. pussy
9 years ago at 12:24 amI can’t believe you guys just made this asshole Exec. Fuck TFM.
9 years ago at 10:59 amdef been on this site way longer than your bitch ass. so just keep taking it and bite the pillow hoe
9 years ago at 3:53 pmThe fuck outta here, fam
9 years ago at 8:46 amblack people think our “lingo” is funny?
9 years ago at 11:10 pmBlack Tweets Matter
9 years ago at 11:18 pmYes we think white lingo is funny, the same way you think a black women saying “awe hell nah” is funny.
9 years ago at 11:29 pmoh snap!
9 years ago at 12:20 amdidn’t see you hiding in the shadows patiently waiting to catch the one time I’m fucking a little racist
9 years ago at 12:28 amWhy are you fucking midget Klansmen?
9 years ago at 3:47 pmYou don’t think that TFM intentionally uses comical euphemisms on purpose?
9 years ago at 9:47 amDid the intern delete my comment?
9 years ago at 11:12 pmFuck you Intern you liberal bigot.
9 years ago at 11:12 pmBlack twitter is more hood than the actual hood.
9 years ago at 11:15 pmI just realized, the girl from the thumbnail pic is rocking a SOLID camel toe
9 years ago at 11:22 pmYeah bro!
9 years ago at 12:10 amdude want to beat off to it togeth via ft
9 years ago at 12:25 am