I Wish I’d Been There For This Key West Bar Fight That Was Instigated By An Errant Fart

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At Sloppy Joe’s, one of author Ernest Hemingway’s most notable Key West watering holes, a fight broke out last week after one woman’s fart offended another woman. It was like Hemingway’s The Old Man and the Sea come to life, except Santiago was a drunk, menopausal tourist, and the marlin was a still-unidentified woman with a weak stomach who’d probably eaten one too many conch fritters.

From Miami Herald:

According to the police report, a fight broke out between two couples this week when someone, who Friday remained unidentified, allegedly broke wind inside Sloppy Joe’s, 201 Duval St.

“The argument was due to someone farting,” police were told by a man who went to the hospital for a dislocated shoulder after the scrap.

Gotta love how the Miami Herald used the synonym for fight that sounds closest to “crap.” Okay, time to look for some positives from this whole ordeal. As a self-loathing native Floridian, this at least doesn’t reflect poorly on my home state. It happened in Key West, so surely this was all just a battle of tourist trash, yes?

Richard McBride, 53, and his girlfriend Sandra Stoner, 55, both of Naples, said they were caught up in a physical altercation after the argument arose “over a fart,” Officer Igor Kasyanenko wrote after last Monday’s incident.

GOD DAMN IT YOU FLORIDIANS AND YOUR STAYCATIONS. Stop embarrassing the rest of us one damn time! God, I’ve had enough of my fellow statesman. I’m just going to enter into a self-delusional state wherein I’ve convinced myself that Richard McBride and Sandra Stoner are Italian names and that they’re actually tourists from Naples, Italy. This is what we Floridians have to do to deal with our condition.

The couple said they were drinking with friends at the bar when Stoner traded words with an unidentified woman before getting out of her seat and confronting her in “an aggressive manner,” police said.

An unidentified man tried to pull the woman away as others began to step into the dispute, including McBride, who pushed the man, police said. The man retaliated by striking McBride in the face and McBride responded by tackling, Stoner told police.

Yes, because the normal response when someone farts is to want to get as close to them as humanly possible.

Damn those feisty Italians and their hatred of flatulence! I don’t know how much you skinny Italianos pass wind back over there in your boot country, but, here in America, farts are something of which to be proud. Instead of confrontation, next time offer congratulations, you pasta-sucking bigots. That kind of hatred won’t be tolerated here.

[via Miami Herald]

Image via jiawangkun / Shutterstock.com

    1. justcallmethekid88

      With a name like that, I’m willing to bet Dick McBride was an animal in college

      8 years ago at 3:30 pm
  1. Texas Tux and Oil

    I figured farts are a common theme considering the bar is called Sloppy Joes.

    8 years ago at 11:28 am
  2. VandyConservative

    I think the trashiness is the charm of Florida. I don’t want to spring break somewhere I can’t see two locals fight over a fart and I don’t bond with another local spectating.

    8 years ago at 11:37 am
      1. VandyConservative

        It does. Also that local will go out of his way to tell you which bar has the waitresses with the biggest tits and that’s pretty cool. They might be trashy, but they’re surprisingly hospitable to drunk college kids who think they’re better than them

        8 years ago at 11:47 am
  3. Southern_gent69

    Just Florida reminding the rest of World that they are indeed the human trash can of America.

    8 years ago at 11:42 am
    1. VandyConservative

      Based on your username you’re the human trashcan of the senior class at Jefferson Davis High

      8 years ago at 11:44 am
      1. VandyConservative

        Are you saying San Diego is the trashcan of America? I’m seriously asking because I’m just assuming no one is that stupid and I hope I’m misunderstanding you.

        8 years ago at 12:54 pm
  4. BudNotWeis

    Don’t let the pretty beaches and trees fool you Florida is the wasteland of America

    8 years ago at 5:14 pm