If Your Executive Board Ran Christmas
Imagine a world in which Santa has decided to take Christmas off, forever, either because he’s been at the game for far too long, or because he simply couldn’t get out of bed after one too many weekend eggnog benders. He, of course, decides to call on the most responsible and capable group of young leaders on the planet: a fraternity executive board. It’s safe to say Christmas is fucked.
The average executive board is a very capable group of functional alcoholics, ready to heed the call of duty at a moment’s notice and save the chapter from almost certain doom. Basically, if the Avengers were always drunk and had moderately useless superpowers, that would be your executive board. Putting them in charge of the largest package distribution operation in existence is probably not the best idea. The only package delivery they know anything about is most likely a package of a different kind entirely, and you don’t exactly stuff it under a Christmas tree…more like into a Christmas bush. They would certainly make a large number of changes to the current Saint Nicholas system, and some of them might even streamline the process.
The North Pole
Elves are made pledges of the fraternity, because “bitches love elves” according to the Recruitment Chairman. Their pledge project is to build the entire chapter TVs and Playstation 4s.
A terrible drunk hunting accident results in several reindeer deaths after the Risk Manager fails to keep the chapter’s resident gun-crazy brother from bringing his shotgun to the pole. Blitzen is promoted to head reindeer in the aftermath.
The social committee creates a strip club at the North Pole, finding themselves unable to come up with many other good ideas relating to hosting socials above the arctic circle. North Pole dancers become the newest weird thing popular on the internet.
The yearly Santa Bros and Christmas Elf Ho Ho Hos party gets weird when actual Christmas elves are brought into the mix. Someone inevitably goes home with several elves, because much like candy canes, one is never enough.
The North Pole quickly becomes a world-class party destination like Vegas, New Orleans, and Cancun after several big bars and clubs are opened in the area. Greeks begin to Spring Break at the North Pole.
Gift Delivery
The chapter President takes over gift delivery duties in the sleigh, with some air support from several military brothers who have somewhat inexplicable unrestricted access to C-130 cargo planes.
Gift giving is expanded to adults as well, after a deal is struck with all the large alcohol producers. Christmas becomes the drunkest holiday of the year, with gifts from Santa being blamed for family “disagreements.” Many years later, Christmas will become a holiday known for the consumption of unholy amounts of alcohol and the airing of long-held grievances, finally completing the merger with Festivus.
One of the Jewish brothers on the board introduces a motion to add Chanukah to the supported holidays. After a long debate and multiple votes, the motion passes. Gift production must nearly double, and the elves go on strike. After tense union negotiations, the elves agree to work Chanukah in exchange for the ability to drink at work. The board unanimously approves it, because it sounds pretty funny.
Back On Campus
Every rival fraternity is permanently put on the Naughty List and given vegan burger patties in their stockings instead of coal.
On Christmas Eve, the President leaves every sorority a brand new puppy and gives each girl a bouquet of fresh flowers corresponding to their sorority flower, catapulting the chapter to immediate top-tier status.
With the added elf labor, the combination water slide and pool with wet bar that your chapter has always dreamed about is finally built.
With Santa’s powers, the board realizes how creepy and potentially abusable the “He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake” thing is. Restrictions must be put on the use of this power after the Social Chairman abuses it to line up the perfect social schedule, leading to the Spiderman rule.
The chapter accumulates the most philanthropy hours in world history, thanks to their new yearly duties. The Philanthropy Chairman declares himself the most successful philanthropist of all time at Greek Awards, after grabbing the mic from the MC. He is eventually escorted off stage by campus security.
Christmas Traditions
Christmas music goes country, for good or for ill.
The chapter President changes his title to “Gift-Giver-In-Chief” and suggests people leave him shots of whiskey and cheap Chinese food on Christmas instead of milk and cookies. After passing out on someone’s couch and only completing half his route the second year, the name “Ole Saint Drunkolas” picks up popularity.
Mall Santas still give out candy canes to kids, but the parents get fifths of Rumpleminz after their picture, which is also what Santa tends to leave in their stockings on Christmas morning.
People on the Naughty List no longer get coal, since it’s a valuable energy commodity. They get a stocking full of puke and a festive picture of poop.
Santa retires to South Beach, leaving Mrs. Claus for a 25-year-old Swedish bikini model named Inga.
Overall, reviews of the changes are mixed. With the President handling the bulk of Santa duties, the rest of the board is put in charge of keeping the rest of the operations together. Of course, the biggest benefit for them might be that they can tell girls at the bar they’re Santa Claus, allowing them to pull harder than a magical sleigh driven by reindeer.
I read the first couple and then pretty quickly scrolled to the bottom.
11 years ago at 7:44 am