In Defense Of A Cheap Beer: Boxer

Jared Borislow11 years ago

Being in a fraternity entails many things. Every fraternity man contains the will and properties necessary to be a great leader, both during and after college. Take me, for example. Our President was out of town this weekend, and seeing as my position, Pledge Mastur(bator), is second in command (and also because we only have two brothers), I was in charge. I ruled with an iron fist. Like, literally. I bought a glove made out of solid iron because I was convinced it would make me a better leader. In the end that was probably a bad call. The thing was real cold on my willy as I inevitably spent the entire weekend whacking it, considering I didn’t actually have dominion over anybody. In the end, my presidency will be defined by my iconic quote, “I have not had sexual relations with any women.” I wasn’t lying like Slick Willy was, either.

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Anyways, another important quality of a fraternity man is his attitude towards beer: you appreciate a fine craft brew but prefer drinking a barley soda of the light and cheap variety. In this series, I attempt to defend the latter from the Negative Nancys that are talking shit on beer review sites. And let me tell you, some of these guys are real jerks about it.

This edition’s defendant, by request, is Boxer, an American lager brewed in Monroe, Wisconsin at the Minhas Craft Brewery. Their bold, in-your-face motto is “Beer of Champions.” How can you not respect that? The crew at Minhas is putting your reputation on the line here, you guys. They’re all, “Drink Boxer or you’re lamer than FDR’s legs,” and at 5% alcohol, an ABV which is prominently labeled on the can, I’m forced to agree. I could probably get drunk off of one of those!!!

My crackhead uncle thinks Boxer “goes down the hatch smoother than it explodes out the back.” Sadly, not all reviewers have been raving about this nectar of the gods as much as my Uncle Phil was with that cryptic review.

Oh man, another CAN from Minhas to make me wish that I had never begun The CANQuest (TM)! I kid you not, their beers leave me sadder than any AmeriCAN Malt Liquor ever has. – woodychandler, beeradvocate.com

I have no idea what “The CANQuest (TM)” is, or why woody decided to trademark it. I can only assume from his post that it is his attempt to never let the word “can” go uncapitalized. Let’s read on.

Finish was Gag City Central, leaving me thankful for something to eat to kill the taste. My oh my, but Minhas never fails to disappoint. I wanted a beer real bad and I got a real bad beer, as is their standard. This is not going in my cooler or in the cooler of anyone with whom I am associated if I CAN help it! – woodychandler, beeradvocate.com

I feel kinda obliged to take what woody is saying here to heart, seeing as he seems like the type of man who is pretty prone to gagging. Kind of like our pledges. HA. #gayzing. It’s a TFM. Anyways, fuck you, woody. If you want a beer real bad, it doesn’t matter how bad the beer is. Just be thankful, you ingrate. And Goddammit, stop it with the CANQuest (TM).

Clear yellow with a thin white head. This is the worst thing I have ever smelled and I have been to the third world. The face i made when i smelled this beer would make you pray to god for help. Tastes terrible like wine that has been sitting out too long. It says beer of champions on the can. But nothing about this makes you a champ. Unless you are the champ of drinking horrible shit. This is a favorite among the homeless and I think they panhandle a little harder so they do not have to endure the putressence of this beer. Fucking terrible! – Cole, ratebeer.com

I am the champ of drinking horrible shit, bitch. That was my nickname throughout pledging after I downed a glass filled with blood, pee, and diarrhea. They called it the stoplight challenge. My other nickname throughout pledging was “doodoopuss,” but that’s a story for another day. Also, you’ve been to the third world, Coley? NF. There’s nothing frat about third place.

Pours full-on yellow, 1-finger white head, no lacing. Nose is OH DEAR GOD NO!!!! Ugh! Rotting bananas, stale sewage, boiling cabbage, dumpster in the sun. It doesn’t just sting the nostrils, it makes you spasm your face away from the glass. I really don’t think I can bring myself to taste this.

Hey, bub! Don’t judge a beer by its smell! If I judged things by their smell I wouldn’t have had like at least 600 of my 1,151 girlfriends. They were awesome gals and super hot, but boy did they smell bad! I guess that’s what you get when you pick up chicks during speed dating at the mortuary, though.

this is one of the first beers that i could not finish a pint. i very much enjoy ontario craft beer but this brings shame to ontario beers. – stephan132, ratebeer.com

That’s interesting, considering it’s not an Ontario beer. Douche.

How can something as bad as this call itself a Beer? I offered one to my neighbor who is in fact a raging alcoholic, after one can of Boxer he has gone back to drinking Aqua Velva after Shave. My only advice is if you happen to find yourself like I did at a C-Store/Gas Station, do yourself a favor and skip the Boxer Beer, Go outside and drink straight from the pump.

Maybe you should stop enabling your raging alcoholic neighbor, you sociopath. Looks like you only have yourself to blame when he ODs on Aqua Velva. Dude deserves to die, though, for having such poor taste. We all know Boxer is great and that Lectric Shave is the only true play as far as shaving balms are concerned.

Thank God at least one guy out there in the online beer rating community gets it.

Ya know what, Boxer is absurdly cheap, and if you drink enough of it, you will be drunk – orofi001, ratebeer.com

Good on you, orofi001, good on you. You sound like a great guy. Like a real Champion.