In Defense Of A Cheap Beer: Busch Light

Jared Borislow7 years ago

Every self-respecting man appreciates a fine craft brew, but prefers drinking a barley soda of the light and cheap variety. In this series, I attempt to defend the latter from the Negative Nancys who are talking shit on beer review sites. And let me tell you, some of these guys are real jerks about it.

This edition’s defendant is Busch Light, a delectable macrobrewed light lager out of Missouri. It’s packed with 4.1% ABV, and is best served in either a dimpled mug, lager class, or shaker. Busch Light’s slogan is “Great taste in an easy drinking light beer.” I actually believe Busch Light’s motto to be superior to that of its brother beer, Busch, which chimes in with “Cold as a mountain stream, smooth as its name.” Last time I checked, bush was the opposite of smooth.

Here’s what my crackhead uncle thinks about Busch Light: “It’s got hops like a bunny, and if it hops like a bunny, they say it’s a bunny. I thought I ate a bunny last night; wound up being a baby raccoon. Can’t afford the rabies shot. If I start foaming at the mouth, take me out back and give me the Ol’ Yeller treatment before I go zombie vampire raccoon on your ass. Speaking of foam, nice head on this here beer.” Sadly, not all reviewers have been raving about this nectar of the gods as much as I assume my Uncle Phil was with that cryptic review.

i’ve created better stuff than this while standing over a toilet bowl – igneous1, ratebeer.com

Let’s think about this. If he’s created better stuff than this while standing, not sitting, over a toilet bowl, that leaves us with urine, vomit, snot, and, technically, poop (if this guy uses a Squatty Potty). I guess we also can’t rule out that this guy’s home is ultra modern and he has a combined standing desk/toilet situation going on — which is kind of genius and will be brought up (by me) at the next TFM meeting as a possible office implementation.

Regardless, I’m struggling to find anything this guy has realistically made while standing over his toilet that involves alcohol. Maybe toilet wine? If that’s what he’s referring to, I’ll throw this guy the W here. If not, Busch Light prevails.

This is absolutely the worst beer in the world. The capital for this beer is Stockbridge Wisconsin. Those hicks love it. Must be the mullets. – Blatz King, ratebeer.com

I expect better taste in beer from a guy who refers to himself as the “Blatz King.” And is calling something the official beer of Stockbridge, Wisconsin really even an insult? Let’s investigate. Stockbridge is renowned as “The Sturgeon Center of the World.” You know, sturgeon? As in, the fish whose eggs are called “caviar?” If that doesn’t automatically make Stockbridge sound like the beautiful, epicurean waterfront village that it is, this will — its location in Calumet County, Wisconsin means it was once presided over by the honorable DA Ken Kratz of Making a Murderer fame. Remember this soft-spoken Casanova?

Would six-figure-career Kratz be banging tall, young, hot nymphs in a $350,000 house in a lame county? I didn’t think so. Check and mate, my liege.

It will cause an alcoholic to sober up. – haent99, ratebeer.com

Since when has curing alcoholism been considered a net negative for society? If Busch Light truly can cure alcoholism, we’re onto something big here. That’d be like a cigarette that cures nicotine addiction, or a butthole-shaped Fleshlight tip that cures anal sex addiction. Could be huge for society.

you are a fucken cat ass who likes to drink that faggit ass beer guzziling ass munchen rooster eater gay ass homo mother fucken cat drinkers – Beastmasters99, ratebeer.com

He got me.

Danny Lawler this beer’s for you – anticop, ratebeer.com

After one Google search worth of research, I’ve determined that this must be the Danny Lawler to whom anticop is referring.

Cheers to you and your “vihicle auction,” Danny.

Thanks (I think?) to a great Town of Esopus recycler, who shall remain nameless, for tipping Brian and I of a case of these 16 oz. cans.

A sickly, pale, light straw, topped by a half hearted off white head, which fades quickly, and, with its absence, leaves the pilsner glass appearing to hold the carbonated urine specimen of a terminally ill diabetic.

Smell is an almost non existent aroma of corn and sugar, as lacking in bouquet as the Gobi desert is lacking in rainforest. What smell there is reminds me of bus station bathrooms.

The taste of this is an undersexed, deformed, stunted, alien facsimile of what real beer tastes like. I’d like to describe the malt bill, but there isn’t one, or the hop profile, but I think they didn’t use hops in this recipe. I mean it, none. I get a very light artificial tasting graininess, and a sort of watery, fizzy thing going on, like someone tried to make beer-flavored soda and only put a quarter of the proper amount of artificial ingredients into the mix.

What is the use of justifying a score for mouthfeel for a beer better suited to use as slug trap than for enjoyment.

Drinkability is… well I just poured the rest of this vile substance down the drain.

This is the first time I have gotten something for free and ended up feeling I overpaid. – cavedave, beeradvocate.com

Geeze, dude. I’m sensing a lot of pent up aggression from you. Let me explain away your grievances. The head fades away so quickly so you can drink it faster. It smells like a bus station bathroom so that when you unconsciously pee yourself after drinking an entire $10 30 rack in one night, people will think you just burped. They didn’t include malt or hops to cut down on the calorie count. And you poured it down the drain not because it didn’t meet your standards, but because you didn’t meet its. Go back to sipping your plum-infused triple session IPAs and leave the delicious, robust, not-so-complex slug traps to us..

Know of a cheap beer that needs defending? Leave your recommendations in the comments section.

[via Rate Beer, Beer Advocate]