In Defense Of A Cheap Beer: Game Day Ice

Jared Borislow11 years ago

Being in a fraternity entails many things. It means you get pumped, you go hard, you get hard, and you fuck bitches. Make sure you do those in the right order, though. Just one small miscue can lead to a very awkward pregame with your bros. I mean, how is it my fault that getting pumped gets me hard? And then while I’m hard and everybody’s yelling at me, it’s really difficult to go hard because I’m just feeling super bummed. And don’t even get me started on how hard fucking bitches is after all that. It’s like sticking a gummy worm into a… uh… well, into a vagina, I guess.

Anyways, another important quality of a fraternity man is his attitude towards beer: he appreciates a fine craft brew, but prefers drinking a barley soda of the light and cheap variety. In this series I attempt to defend the latter from the Negative Nancys that are talking shit on beer review sites. And let me tell you, some of these guys are real jerks about it.

This edition’s defendant, by request, is Game Day Ice. This glorious beverage was brewed in my surrogate home state of Wisconsin at the Melanie Brewing Co. That name may sound familiar, as Game Day Ice is brewed by the same company as Beer-30 Light. I couldn’t find an explicit motto for Game Day Ice, so I’ve decided to go with my own: “With Game Day Ice, Everyday is Game Day.”

This lager is 5.5% alcohol by volume, so it’s letting you know that it means business, but it’s by no means rubbing your face in it. I’ve never personally enjoyed this particular beverage, but with a name like “Game Day Ice” I can only assume it is best enjoyed with your buddies, some corn chips, and a hot dog you stole off the grill of the tailgate next to you.

My crackhead uncle declared Game Day Ice to be “better than a brunch date with the Big Boi half of Outkast.” Sadly, not all reviewers have been raving about this nectar of the gods as much as I assume my Uncle Phil was with that cryptic review.

aroma is somewhere between paint thinner and fermented apple juice, with some ranch doritos mixed in. nothing edible should smell like this. – djeucalyptus, beeradvocate.com

Was that supposed to be insulting? That sounds fucking delicious.

NOTE: i had this a little while ago sitting in front of a 7/11 with my good buddies and this is what i scratched down in my notebook. – rodney45, beeradvocate.com

Thank you for this informative preface. Now I know you are the type of person who a) hangs outside of 7/11 and drinks beer with his friends, and b) carries around a notebook. Not really lending yourself too much credibility here, chief. Let’s read some of his review.

Im going to tell you, i drank half this can, and poured the rest out… that is something, because i was sitting in front of a 7/11 with friends. Im going to say this is the worst beer to ever touch my lips. – rodney45, beeradvocate.com

Why do you feel the need to keep telling us that you were drinking beer outside of a 7/11 with your friends, rod? Is that some kind of social status thing where you come from? And if so, you poured a beer out RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM? Fuck, dude. Your sister’s never gonna sleep with you now. Pouring out a perfectly good beer is probably the second most NF thing you can do, only falling behind not drinking a beer in the first place, so your review is invalid. NEXT.

…this smells way too much like artificial grape flavoring. Supporting scents are pennies and garbage water. The first thing that you notice when taking a drink is that it is sweet in a not natural kind of way. This is way, way sweet. It leaves a sugary residue on your lips. The best way to sum up the taste is sugar covered pennies soaking in a glass of gutter water and White Wolf Vodka with a splash of Four Loko. I can’t understand how a beer at 5.5% could leave so much alcohol heat in my mouth, throat, and stomach. – troobie, beeradvocate.com

Suuuurreeee, troobie. That “sugary residue” just HAPPENED to get on your lips after drinking Game Day Ice. It definitely isn’t another man’s ejaculate, and it most DEFINITELY didn’t get there after one of your discrete 7/11 rendezvous with rodney45.

aftertaste is absolutely atrocious, like if tequila, rotten meat and butt hole made a weird threesome baby it would be this beer. – SAxDRC5, beeradvocate.com

Tequila, rotten meat, and butthole sounds like the best Spring Break ever. This goober clearly has no idea what he’s talking about, which is further evidenced by the fact that his username looks like a Captcha code.

Tastes like getting into medical school — as a cadaver. Admittedly was inexpensive. 12 ounce can from Lowes. – youallsuckbad, ratebeer.com

All terrible jokes aside (both yours and mine, in this case), who the fuck buys beer at Lowe’s? That’s the poor man’s Home Depot. I picture you as a high school lowerclassman (which your username fully supports) that brags to all his friends about how he found a place at which to buy alcohol where he doesn’t get carded. Of course, you don’t tell any of them where it is, because it’s a fucking Lowe’s, and you just smugly sip the 3 Game Day Ices you brought to the party and then try to hook up with Michelle, the girl you’ve always loved but who’s never noticed you because you were always just a tad overweight. Not too much so, but there is definitely a little man boobage going on. Again, not too much, but enough to where you have defined breasts. Sure, you have a good sense of humor, and your support for #KONY2012 is unwavering, but Michelle is too much of a bitch to see that. So you light her hair on fire when she falls asleep. If that doesn’t teach her to love me, I don’t know what wi (A Note From The Author: Half way through writing that last paragraph I realized he was talking about Lowes Foods (some chain I’ve never heard of) and not Lowe’s Home Improvement. Fuck. Let’s just go to the next review.)

This is not even very good for beer pong. We found ourselves celebrating when it ran out and we reverted back to Bud Light. – civilizedpsycho, beeradvocate.com

CELEBRATING when the beer is gone? What are you guys, fucking pledges? If so, drop and give me a blowchachi. It’s a TFM. Get ready for some sugary residue.

Get together with your friends at the local 7/11 and give Game Day Ice a try, because with Game Day Ice, everyday is Game Day.