In Defense Of A Cheap Beer: Keystone Light

Jared Borislow7 years ago

Every self-respecting man appreciates a fine craft brew, but prefers drinking a barley soda of the light and cheap variety. In this series, I attempt to defend the latter from the Negative Nancys who are talking shit on beer review sites. And let me tell you, some of these guys are real jerks about it.

This edition’s defendant? Keystone Light. A light lager boasting a heary 4.20% (blaze it!!!) ABV, Keystone Light comes to your favorite gas station thanks to Coors Brewing Company. You know what they say about Coors’ beers — when the can turns blue, it’s as cold as the Rocki… On second thought, I guess the Keystone can is always blue… Well, you know what they say about Keystone Light, then, I guess — when the can turns blue, it’s as cold as wherever you last left it.

My crackhead uncle thinks Keystone Light tastes like “peace in the Middle East with just a dash of Chipotle medium salsa. Peppery, yet spunktacular. Your mother’s a whore.” Sadly, not all reviewers have been raving about this nectar of the gods as much as I assume my Uncle Phil was with that cryptic review.

Possibly the most white trash beer i have ever tasted. When i drank it the only thing i could imagine that was worse was licking a hobo’s grundle. the beer is watery and needs to be avoided. The taste is hard to describe because the things that comprise it are not normally ingested by humans (urine, feces, bile etc…) When bought in “30 stones,” an empty can overturned, pieces of debris fall from the bottom of the can. It is a light brown and yellowish color with spots in it. My roomate, who is from nearby Wyoming, even refuses to drink it unless provided to him for free and even then would prefer water. To drink this you must swill it instantly so as to avoid vomiting. – mansquito, ratebeer.com

Not sure why mansquito felt compelled to give us his roommate’s life story, but that’s neither here nor there. What is here is the fact that this guy is severely underestimating the rate at which humans ingest urine (I know of a couple Russian prostitutes who would take offense), and what is there is the notion that maybe hobos’ grundles taste incredible and that insult, in turn, holds no weight.

Had this out of a can at an alcoholic’s house. It’s his main support unit, sadly. Proof of my theory that anyone who drinks quality beer has no need to fear they are an alkie, cuz if you are one, this is what you’d drink.
Does this even come in bottles? Certainly, I’ve never seen it on tap, even in the seediest of bars.
This has a watery mouthfeel and taste, like it was bilge water someone stuck into a bottle across the street from a brewery. I had no idea it had so much as 4.2% ABV, which probably does the poor fratboys no favors at the end of the night. Because it tastes like bad water with a hint of beer in the background, I guess in a way its easily drinkable, so long as the drinker is unburdened by the need for flavor, character of any kind, etc. – woemad, beeradvocate.com

My favorite thing to do when I have an alcoholic friend is to not only enable him by giving him someone with whom to drink beer, but to also care so little about him that he has to turn to an inanimate brand of beer in order to have a consistent support unit. You’re a good friend, woemad.

Just thought of a beer worse than Keystone….Keystone Light. Drink it ice cold or else you’ll be trying to convince yourself it’s not urine as it flows down your throat. – Driftwood6, ratebeer.com

What’s with all this urine shaming?

I had heard a lot of bad things about Keystone Light, but really wanted to try one for myself to see if the rumors were true. My roommate was what some would call a “bro”, so he had a steady supply on hand. One curious night, I steal a can off of him and get to drinking.

It smells like grain and piss. It tastes like pool water in serious need of chlorine. Some have said that drinking Keystone Light is like drinking swamp water. In fairness, if you drink swamp water, you are doing it to survive in the wild. If you pay money to drink Keystone, you do so because you are a desperate fool.

Needless to say, I promptly reimbursed my roommate the 55 cents the can cost and threw the remaining 3/4 down the drain. You deserve better than to expose yourself to this heap of rubbish. That is, if you consider yourself a beer drinker. – leansean88, beeradvocate.com

This guy fell for it! It’s a little-known fact that Keystone Light has a built-in anti-theft device. If someone who doesn’t normally drink Keith Stone’s special beer blend of 11 herbs and spices steals one of your stones, it’s completely unpalatable to them. They spit it out faster than Inside TFM Podcast producer Ham spits on everything in sight when he’s drunk. True story. Odds are (and studies have shown) that the culprit will then feel bad about wasting your beer and reimburse you. Even if they don’t, you can guarantee they won’t be stealing any more Stones from your quarry.

watery and tastes like ball sweat from a fat guy who just ate at burgerking. great party beer when compared to natural light or milwaukees best. redeeming qualities: its beer. un-redeeming qualities: its beer – CaptainBadass, ratebeer.com

Talking shit about the BK Lounge and Keystone in one fell swoop? AND claiming something’s status as a beer to be an “un-redeeming quality?” Blasphemy. This guy’s going to hell.

ha, ha, ha…. I once got mugged for a case of this stuff. I felt sorry for the guys who stole it …. a bad, bad college beer – ryaneq, ratebeer.com

Mad respect to the mugger out there threatening people’s lives and risking jail time over a rack of Stones. Mad respect.

Yuck…why am I drinking this? Oh yeah, because it’s in my fridge and I’m half in the can from the delicious Ubu I just finished and don’t want to waste any good beer when I’m ready to go to sleep as it is. What can I say about Keystone Light? Maybe if we added an “assfeel” category to beer reviews it would be a more accurate review. Let’s just say this beer sucks, on the way down, and on the way out. (pleas note: this is left over from a camping trip and did not end up in my fridge willingly). – number1bum, beeradvocate.com

I actually agree with this guy. Not about the Keystone Light stuff; about how we should add an assfeel category to beer reviews. Buttchuggers need love too.

Keystone Light — when the can turns blue, it’s as cold as wherever you last left it..

Know of a cheap beer that needs defending? Leave your recommendations in the comments section.

[via Rate Beer, Beer Advocate]