In Defense Of A Cheap Beer: Kirkland Signature Light

Jared Borislow8 years ago

Being in a fraternity entails many things. One of those things is the ability to effortlessly rail mad puss.

Yeah!!! Y’all know what I’m talking about. There is no self-respecting fraternity man out there who doesn’t B his L on some Ts on a daily basis. For me, it’s an action so engrained in my mind that I’ve never gone to Jimmy John’s and not ordered the B-L-T sub. I don’t even like tomatoes, but simply B-ing your L isn’t enough to be frat, so I have to keep the T in there. Believe it or not, there are losers out there (not me) that have to B their L by themselves (savage, right?). Those two letters alone don’t imply that a hot chick (or seven, in my case) was the one who got your rocks off, so the T is imperative. If you’re really frat (like me), you might even P in her B after you B your L on her Ts. Speaking from personal experience, though, any girl who is willing to let you do that to her is probably insane and not worth associating with. Trust me, I would know — from the experiences that I have. If it hasn’t been made clear yet, I am not a virgin. Not even close.

Anyway, another important quality of a fraternity man is his attitude toward beer. He appreciates a fine craft brew, but he prefers drinking a barley soda of the light and cheap variety. In this series, I attempt to defend the latter from the Negative Nanceys who are talking shit on beer review sites. And let me tell you, some of these guys are real jerks about it.

This edition’s defendant is Kirkland Signature Light, a light lager brewed by either the Gordon Biersch Brewing Company, Matt Brewing, or fan-favorite Minhas Craft Brewery, depending on the location in the U.S. at which you purchase your 48-pack of 4.2% ABV brew.

“Wait… Did this motherfucker just say 48-pack?”

Yes, yes he did.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that Kirkland Signature Light just may be the pinnacle of light beer-dom. Let’s look at the facts:

1. Uh, IT COMES IN A MOTHERFUCKING 48-PACK. It would be a disservice to call a beer receptacle that large by the term “rack,” so I’m calling that bitch a shelf.

2. At $21.99 a 48-shelf, that’s less than $0.46 a beer. Fictional economists whom I’ve invented and named Chet Moneybags and Phillip “Flip” Pocketbook have deemed this the perfect price point for a light beer.

3. It is only available at Costco, making it a member’s only beer. How fucking classy is that? Keep your grubby, recently masturbated-into hands off, you smelly, philistine hobos — this is a high-class beverage for high-class people.

4. Take a look at the no-bullshit packaging. Kirkland isn’t trying to fool you with their labeling, and I respect that. “Kirkland Signature. Light Beer. 12 FL OZ (355 mL). 105 Calories.” Just straight facts. Of course this means that they don’t have a motto, so I’ve come up with one that I think perfectly embodies everything Kirkland Signature Light stands for:

“It’s light beer.” ™

My crackhead uncle thinks Kirkland Signature Light tastes like “a Korean Elvis impersonator just ate a fat bowl of kimchi and sharted right into your face hole.” Sadly, not all reviewers have been raving about this nectar of the gods as much as I assume my Uncle Phil was with that cryptic review.

Jesus this awful. Malty watery flavor. Pours light yellow. Stylish can. Stay away had at the Illini football game – christpuncher, ratebeer.com

There are two people in the world whose advice nobody should take: people who willingly go to University of Illinois football games (the “Fighting” Illini just completed their fourth straight losing season), and people who make accounts on beer rating sites and then put this as their profile picture.

You are both of those people.

Can @ RVA 22nd. Very pale. Smells like cooked veg and underage cat pee. Off sour. Blech. – tia, ratebeer.com

I’ve gotta ask you a lot of questions, tia. What exactly distinguishes regular cat pee from that of cats who are yet to be of age? What is the minimum age a cat must be for its piss to be smelled? Why have you sniffed the pee of an underage cat? Should I call the authorities on you, you feline pedophile? If I had to guess the answer to these, I’d say creeps named tia like to go around sniffing it, 1, because you’re named tia, and yes.

One line review: this is objectively one of the worst beers I have have ever had, please save yourself $22 and don’t buy it.

Long review: so, I’ve been seeing this case of beer at Costco for a few years and I’ve always been curious, but I don’t buy really cheap beer, so I’ve never known. However, last weekend my good friend had a bachelor party (15 dudes), so I bought a case since we needed quantity over quality. There were still 24 beers left (all kirkland light) after a 48 hour party where over 300 beers were consumed. Why, do you ask? The beer was avoided by everyone because it tastes exactly like a can of seltzer water with maybe a few ounces worth of stale cheap light beer dunked into it. It is ridiculously foamy, absurdly carbonated, flavorless, and simply bad. Honestly, it doesn’t even taste like beer. Here is a list of cheap beers that were completely finished before the Kirkland Light: Hamm’s, PA Style Light, Natty Bo, PBR. No one enjoyed the Kirkland Light. It’s not worth the money even if it is cheap! – JMKeynes, beeradvocate.com

This review is clearly just a medium through which ol’ Keynes can dish out a humblebrag.

“Yo! Me and 14 of my bros downed over 300 beers in just 48 hours! Man, that bachelor party last weekend was so wild. You know what wasn’t wild? That Kirkland shit beer. Kirkland? Is that how you say it? Man, I was so drunk at that wild bachelor party I was at last weekend that I can barely even remember the name of the beer that I bought. See, I’m above the age of 21, which means I can legally drink. That’s why all the members of the bachelor party I went on last weekend — you know, the wild one I was telling you about? — drank beer. Beer’s good. Not that Kirkland shit beer, though!”

News flash, Jdog: nobody cares about how much you and your boys can drink, even if it is some absurdly mediocre number like 10 beers per night.

It is the worst beer you will drink. Cheap as dart. Great for drinking games that punish the loser because you don’t want to have to down a Kirkland light beer. Really is god awful. Tastes like they took a can, melted it down, and then poured the melted aluminum into another can. Only use I got out of it was for college football tailgates. $10 for 48 cans – Fonziboy9, ratebeer.com

This guy sounds like another one of those Illini fans. Tools.

I highly doubt the Fonz actually got a 48-shelf for $10 bucks, but if he did, I have absolutely no idea how he is complaining about a beer that he paid less than $0.21 for. Even filthy drifters have 21 cents, either through dishing out illicit gas station bathroom handjobs or doing the old Charlie Bucket gum-on-a-string technique to fish nickels out from beneath sewer grates. That’s why Costco went all “members only, bitch” on those dumpster divers. Kirkland Signature Light lets you live with the reckless abandon of a hobo without the life-shattering stigma that comes with actually being one. It’s affording you an experience you’d never otherwise have, and you’re slapping it in the face. For shame.

Random side note because I always do my research: if they actually did follow his fake brewing process of melting down aluminum cans, pouring that aluminum into another can and calling it a beer, you’d need 31 cans worth of aluminum, plus the aluminum in the can holding the melted aluminum, for the can and its contents to be worth around $0.21 in aluminum. Is that what you think the $0.21 can should consist of, Fonz? That’s a wildly inefficient process, my dude. Your “joke” has now been deemed overly mundane, and thus as worthless as your opinion.

There you have it, folks. Kirkland Signature Light has been called “the worst beer you will drink,” “god awful,” “flavorless,” and “underage cat pee”-scented. But, when you look past all the naysayers out there, a simple, infallible truth remains about Kirkland Signature Light.

“It’s light beer.” ™.

[via Beer Advocate, Rate Beer]

Image via Kris Block/Untappd