In the Dugout with Dorn: World Series Preview

It’s October. It’s fall. For sports, this is the greatest time of the year. We suffered through the long, painful dog days of summer for the pleasure of being balls deep in college football. It’s the passion. The pageantry. The tailgating. The bourbon. The rivalries. The shit-talking. It’s the upsets. It’s The Grove. It’s the ongoing discussion over which Death Valley is THE Death Valley. Shit, it’s even the bands. I love it. You love it. We all love it. It’s ingrained in the DNA of every swinging dick from Eugene to Chapel Hill. But…do me a favor here, gentlemen. Do ol’ Roger a solid. Let’s change gears for a second. This is the one time during the fall where it’s acceptable to focus on a sport other than our beloved pigskin. Forget about football for a moment. The World Series begins Wednesday night, when the defending American League Champion Texas Rangers take on the Cardinals of St. Louis. So, take a trip with me and let’s preview the series.

“But Roger, haven’t you seen Bama’s defense this year? Could they be the best ever?”

“What the hell, Rodge? Don’t you want to see Kellen Moore become the all-time wins leader in D1 history?”

“But, hold on. What do you think about Landry Jones’ tramp stamp?”

“Aw hell, Dorn. I want to talk about LSU’s Tyrann Mathieu. Dude’s the tits.”

Yes, Bama’s defense is legit. I don’t give a baker’s fuck about Boise State. Jones is New Mexican trash. And the Honey Badger will straight rip your throat out. I get it, guys. But I’m here to talk about the Fall Classic. It is America’s pastime, after all, so let’s get to it.

The Texas Rangers

The only thing Rangers President Nolan Ryan likes more than painting the inside corner with 104 mph heat is building powerhouse MLB teams. And he has definitely built himself a dominant squad. But is Ryan the only Texas legend responsible for the Rangers’ second consecutive World Series appearance? Nope.

President George W. Bush was once asked about the biggest mistake he ever made. His response? “Trading Sammy Sosa for Harold Baines.” Much like W’s presidency, the fruits of his genius on the diamond didn’t become evident until years later. W and Ryan don’t just sit together at the games so they can exchange stories and chit-chat. They are talking baseball and designating a starting pitcher as “Mustache Pledge.” They both have their hands in this baseball masterpiece. W helped lay the foundation, and Nolan has successfully transitioned his baseball prowess from the bump to the front office.

Speaking of “bump,” that Ron Washington sure likes to party. From hanging onto his 80s-style mini-Jheri curl, to “doing the Ron” as the kids like to call it, to his brief run in with blow, no one will throw down quite like Ron if Texas takes the series. Well, no one but Josh Hamilton. Hamilton raged so hard before his rise up baseball’s elite ladder that he actually had to hire an assistant to keep him away from the bar, out of tit flops, and away from the needle. He sure can piss on a baseball, though. Other players who will contribute alongside Hamilton’s bat are Michael “Good Ol’ Boy” Young, Ian “The Hebrew Hammer” Kinsler, and Nelson “Is he really hitting 7 hole?” Cruz. Texas’ absurd lineup is strong enough to hang with any team, but their bullpen has really shortened games and become the underrated X-factor in the latter half of the season. Moving Ogando from starter to the pen for the playoffs is proving to be Wash’s signature move and a catalyst to the Rangers’ postseason dominance.

The St. Louis Cardinals

Strong talent and good coaching have made the Cards a postseason mainstay in recent history. When Tony La Russa isn’t organizing underground gambling rings and ordering whack jobs, he’s a damn fine baseball coach. Leading St. Louis is perhaps the best hitter on the face of the planet, Albert Pujols. He looks to carry his .419 2011 postseason batting average and clutch hitting into the World Series, and hopes to take the Cards to a World Championship.

Another solid ballplayer for the Cardinals, and a Dorn personal favorite, is Lance Berkman. I mean the guy looks like some drunk asshole they pulled out of the stands because they were short a man. “Can you swing a stick, man?” “Fuck it. I’ll try.” Lance, baseball is your livelihood, and you’re damn good at it. Do you take it seriously? Maybe mix in a weight room session. I don’t know, maybe don’t pound a sixer every night. Oh, I get it. The Cardinals stadium is named after Anheuser Busch. You’re just fully embracing your new team. Will these guys, along with other contributors like Matt Holiday, be enough?

The Cardinals better bring the sticks in this series. We know Texas will.

Dorn’s Prediction: Texas in six.

Follow me on Twitter: @RogerDornTFM

  1. Year Around Frat

    Cardinals in 7. Neither have great pitching but the st louis bats will get better cracks.

    13 years ago at 9:10 pm
    1. Herman Cain will win

      scoring in the first inning in consecutive games, momentum is always going to shift to them. Go cards

      13 years ago at 9:21 am
    2. John MacEnbro

      Texas was the better team throughout the year, but the Cardinals have momentum from coming back from 10.5 games back, beat “best” rotation in baseball in the Phillies, and destroyed the Brewers.

      Rangers are and should be the favorite, but the cards will win in 6.

      13 years ago at 2:13 pm
    3. QuintanaBreeze

      Rangers in 5. Good pitching beats good hitting everyday and twice on Sundays. Good thing the Rangers have all the above.

      13 years ago at 2:46 pm
      1. QuintanaBreeze

        A good pitcher. As in one. I would love to hear another good pitcher in comparison to the Rangers’ staff. Quality starters and lights out bull pin with Feliz closing with the best 1 through 9 to boot.

        13 years ago at 5:54 pm
    1. More Frat Than You

      I feel your pain sir, I am from the Atlanta area and I was enormously pissed when the Braves choked themselves out of the playoffs but I love baseball way too much to not watch the series. I see the Cards taking this one in 6. Sure, Texas has the lineup, but St Louis has a better rotation and bullpen. Good pitching always stifles good hitting example: 2010 World Series

      13 years ago at 12:28 pm
    2. Roger Fraterer

      All experts say starting pitching is a push and the Rangers clearly have the better bull pen. Good try though.

      13 years ago at 1:14 pm
    3. Roger Fraterer

      To add to that because I’m feeling particularly like an ass hole today, neither pitching staff is considered that “good.” Comparing the 2011 Cardinals staff to the 2010 Giants staff makes you lose all credibility. The Cardinals pitching staff had a .05 lower ERA than Texas’, a tiny margin and considering the American to National offenses you would have to give the Rangers the nod.

      13 years ago at 1:20 pm
    1. Beer Quisque Beer

      Matt Cassel sucks. His noodle arm ensures that he will never be anything better than an average NFL quarterback.

      13 years ago at 3:35 pm
  2. PurplePride

    “The Boomstick” versus “The Machine.” Should make for quite a batting duel.

    13 years ago at 9:51 pm
    1. Frat_Sajak

      Do it for Torty, and the Rally Squirrel, hell lets throw in one of those escaped animals from Ohio!

      13 years ago at 12:24 pm