Inside the Mind of a Sober Monitor

8:30pm (Chapter Room)

Okay, I’m here for my punishment, just tell me I can’t attend the party tonight so I can leave and go to the fucking bars already.

Sergeant at Arms: Okay guys, here’s your sober monitor assignments for the night. Steve you’re watching the third floor deck. Carter you’re on the second floor landing. Brendan has the front door and Will you’ve got the basement.


Will: This is gay, we’re fucking actives, we shouldn’t have to do this.

Sergeant at Arms: Well maybe you assholes should’ve thought of that before you decided to light off two hundred dollars worth of fireworks inside the house.

Carter: It was my birthday!

Will: And it was really cold outside!

E-board has changed you!

8:32pm (The Basement)

I already hate this night. Wait. Why the fuck are the pledges filling up a swimming pool down here? That thing’s huge! It’s one of those inflatable above grounders. This place looks like an Appalachian YMCA.

Will: Hey! Why the fuck are you filling up that pool?

Pledge: Oh the social chair decided to make tonight a pool party.

There’s like an 80% chance I have to save some drunk girl from drowning tonight.

9:00pm (The Basement)

It’s only 9pm but things are looking pretty slow. Please God by some miracle prevent tonight from being its usual blackout rage fest of ignorance. I do not want to spend my night breaking up underwater hand jobs. If one of my brothers wants to get his periscope waxed that’s his business.

9:30pm (The Basement)

Annnd the crowd starts to shuffle in. At least all of these slams are wearing bikini tops, pretty decent selection here. Oh shit, I know that girl, she’s the one that always pukes. Really? You’re gonna take three shots of vodka right off the bat, puke girl? Just because there’s a large body of water in the basement does not mean it’s an approved receptacle for your stomach bile and that half salad you ate today.

9:45pm (The Basement)

Well the fattest, drunkest member of my fraternity just did a cannonball into a 4 foot deep indoor above ground pool. I think that pretty much guarantees that tonight WILL be its usual blackout rage fest of ignorance. Prediction for the night: Everyone blacks out, five people tell me to go fuck myself while I’m half heartedly attempting to do my job, puke girl pukes and then cries about puking and then works herself up so much that she pukes again, someone cuts the pool and the basement floods, my shoes are ruined, and I receive part of the blame because I was a shitty sober monitor. Yeah that sounds about right.

10:00pm (The Basement)

Fat Drunk Brother: Duuude d’you know whatchu like, er, need say? FUUUCK YOU to the shargent at arms. Fuck his gay balls, that furworks shit was funny as fuck.

Get away from me.

Fat Drunk Brother: D’you shheeee my cannonball? Shit was ‘larious. I’m like uh fucking wet as shit LIKE YOUR MOM’S PUUSSHHHYYY! BAHAHAHA

I will not save you if I see you floating face down in the pool tonight. I will let you die.

Fat Drunk Brother: Duuude I been pre-gaming fer like uh sence one. I’m fuckin’ RAGE!!!!!

If there’s a half eaten pizza at the bottom of the pool tomorrow, I know who to blame.

10:30pm (The Basement)

Whose fucking idea was it to put the DJ booth six feet away from the swimming pool? There is an inch of standing water on the basement floor right now. The whole party’s gonna get Green Mile’d tonight. This really is the worst pledge class ever.

11:30pm (The Basement)

Wow. So far this night has been relatively incident free. No one’s been electrocuted, the pool hasn’t been ripped in two yet, maybe this won’t be that bad.

Pledge: Hey, Will, they need you upstairs. There’s like six assholes trying to get in. There’s about to be a fight.

Spoke too soon.

Fat Drunk Brother: FIIGGHT!?!? Who the fucks is doing thisshh!?! NO ONE DISHRESHPECTS MY HOUSHE!!!

Will: Shut the fuck up and stay down here you fucking drunk lump.

11:33pm (The Front Door)

Okay time to tell some geeds to fuck off.

Geed 1: Just let us in! We’ll pay a cover, whatever!

Geed 2: His girlfriend is in there.

Brendan: Yeah I wouldn’t count on her being your girlfriend tonight.


Geed 1: Fuck you!


Oh shit, where the fuck did he come from?

(Fat Drunk Brother bull rushes the geeds, tackling three of them)

I should probably jump in but I kinda want to see how he does on his own. These guys are total pussies and I’m pretty sure he can’t feel pain right now. Eh fuck it.

(Jumps into fight)

11:40pm (The Front Lawn)

Well that was fun. I can’t believe one of those fuckers tried to kick me in the nuts. I was throwing him off my property not stealing his purse. Fucking douche.

Fat Drunk Brother: Fuck thoshe guysh! (Yells down the street) FUCK YOU!! Thur totallary comin’ back. Ima get my swutchblade.

You would have a switchblade.

Will: Please don’t.

Fat Drunk Brother: I’m gunna.

He’ll forget…yeah, he’ll totally forget.

11:50pm (The Basement)

Oh. My. God. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED DOWN HERE!?! I WAS GONE FOR LIKE TWENTY MINUTES!!! Who flipped over all the trash cans? The dance floor smells like a sewer orgy. Oh shit, there’s a pile of puke…and yup, there’s puke girl fucking crying in a corner. Whatever, I don’t have to clean this shit up but sitting in it is fucking awful.

12:00am (The Basement)

Seeing our parties sober is an eye opening experience. Now I know why we all blackout. It’s the only way to un-know this level of debauchery.

12:07am (The Basement)

GROSS! Is that girl giving two underwater hand jobs at the same time? That is fucking vile. I don’t even think those guys realize that she’s going water skiing right now. I need to break this up.

12:08am (The Basement)

Will: M’am, could you please refrain from giving simultaneous underwater hand jobs in the swimming pool? It’s a serious health code violation.

Brother 1: WHAT THE FUCK!

Brother 2: Oh God! You were doing it to him too!?! How did I not notice!?! Goddamn your wingspan you sick lanky skank!

Tomorrow morning this pool needs to be drained and burned. The pledges better go steal some hazmat suits.

12:30am (The Basement)

Fat Drunk Brother: TSUUUUNAMI !!!

(Pulls out switchblade)

Oh no.

(Slashes at the pool, water rushes out)

Monday’s gonna be a fun chapter.

Will: Okay, everyone calmly head upstairs. Someone please pick the JI up off the ground before he drowns.

12:40am (The Basement)

Sergeant at Arms: How the fuck did you let this happen? You were supposed to be the sober monitor down here!

I don’t know, how did the LAPD let the fucking Rodney King riots happen? You think I can control these animals without tear gas and body armor? No one died and the cops didn’t come, I did my job.

Will: Looks like my sector is clear, I’m getting a fucking drink.

If you can’t tame ‘em, join ‘em.

Follow me on twitter @BaconTFM

    1. The Frat Hound

      Bacon writes about as fucking awesome as his name implies he would. Bacon > the other shitty guy.

      13 years ago at 6:54 pm
    2. tau627

      hahah this story was great…anyone who’s been the sober guy at any, decent, fraternity’s party has a story like this. Our’s were pretty epic too.

      13 years ago at 7:09 pm
    3. SouthernByGodsGrace

      Bacon, thank you for the great article Sir.

      Puke girl and the passed out JI were the best part. Fucking JIs, can’t hold their liquor.

      13 years ago at 10:04 pm
    4. Brobert F Kennedy

      I could relate to it and was entertained. Well played Bacon. Very crispy.

      I’ll second “Goddamn your wingspan” as the best line.

      13 years ago at 12:10 am
  1. Jerry Fratdusky

    This sounds like a typical weekend for me at the Neverland Ranch, minus the girls. Girls. NF

    13 years ago at 6:09 pm
    1. Jerry Fratdusky

      I hate that someone decided to throw a piece of poop in the pool and put a bikini on it.

      13 years ago at 6:33 pm
    1. futureleader14

      Slight homoeroticism FaF? There’s something to be said about 75 guys living in the same house.

      13 years ago at 4:46 pm