Intramural Player Stands Up For His Beliefs, and America

During the Greek League Championship of intramural basketball my senior year, I got into a shoving match with a bottom-tier douchebag on the other team. The liberal student ref gave me a technical, and then blew two more calls down the stretch that cost my team the game. I was airing my grievances with this “referee” postgame, explaining to him that he had shit the bed and needed to go fuck himself, and as a result I was escorted from the rec center.

The following exchange began with an email from the university’s intramural staff to our team captain, which escalated into an Adderall-fueled battle (during finals week) that I will laugh about forever.

From the Intramural Staff to our team captain


I am writing to you with regards to a player on your IM basketball team, XXXXXXX XXXX. He was written up in your basketball game for unsportsmanlike conduct on Wednesday, April 28. He is suspended indefinitely from all Intramural activities and must set up an appointment with the Intramural office to discuss his reinstatement. During this meeting we will discuss with XXXXXXX his actions, the consequences of his actions, and the appropriate punishment if any for his actions. It is important for me to clarify that while XXXXXXX is indefinitely suspended until he meets with us, this suspension is not his punishment for his misconduct, his punishment will not commence until after we have met with XXXXXXX.

If you have any questions please let me know.

IM Staff

My response to the intramural staff

Dear Intramural Staff:

I’m writing in response to your letter regarding the most recent basketball playoff game. I am obliged to tell you that, in actuality, it is the XX Intramural Sports League that has forfeited the ability and privilege of my presence on any intramural sports team due to egregious actions (and non-actions) by a few select members of your officiating staff. It is unfortunate that such a small group could allow this to precipitate into such a serious situation, but I’m afraid that if you would like to me to participate in any future intramural sports you will have to schedule a meeting with my secretary, XXXXXXX XXXXXXXX, at my convenience. During this meeting, the competence of the Intramural Staff will be discussed, as well as the disturbing fact that XX employs handicapped young adults to officiate basketball games. My absence from your poorly officiated intramural leagues will not be deemed as punishment, until we have discussed this further.


From the Building Services Manager of the university to me


My name is XXX XXXXXX, I’m the Building Services Manager at the University Student Recreation Center. You have received this email to inform you that your membership to the University Student Recreation Center has been suspended. The suspension will remain until you schedule an appointment with the XX Intramural Staff to discuss the incident that took place during an IM Basketball Game on Wednesday, April 28th. If you refuse to abide by the suspension and unlawfully enter the University Recreation Center, Campus PD will be called and trespassing charges could be brought against you.

The Intramural office can be contacted at

Thank you and we hope to hear from you soon.


My response to the Building Services Manager

Mr. Head Janitor,

I appreciate the prompt reply and the specific attention you have given to this situation, but I believe you meant to contact my consigliere Mr. XXXXXXXXX listed in the previous email. Nevertheless, I’m inclined to personally respond to this display of self-aggrandizement that you must seldom get the opportunity to abuse.

If this were not the busiest week of the semester, I would inquire into past precedence where a non-violent, verbal technical foul in a C-League basketball game warranted a suspension from the entire Recreation Center. Especially considering that the aforementioned technical foul was called under duress by a young man who may or may not be suffering from Asperger syndrome. Still, I would be disappointed if you mistook my response for resignation, so I had a paralegal of mine research the University Discrimination and Harassment Policies. Regent Law, Article 10 (amended 11/8/2001) states that, “The University does not discriminate on the basis of race, color, national origin, sex, age, disability, creed, religion…in admission and access to…educational programs and activities.” The only rational conclusion to why I have been singled out for this petty misdemeanor is that I have been discriminated against on the grounds of national origin, with my only crime being zealous patriotism for the United States of America.

In as such, I stand by my decision to passively abstain from any and every XX intramural sports team, and henceforth refuse to enter, nor step foot onto the property of, the candidly fascist Recreation Center until the Intramural Staff issues a full apology. These colors don’t run, sir. You should be ashamed of yourself.


I never received a response…

    1. Fratlas_Shrugged

      I mean I would agree… but you’re still banned from all recreational facilities and IM sports.

      13 years ago at 4:53 pm
  1. vandyfrat

    Clearly fake. I mean, there’s no such college as XX University. Do they even have Greek life? Geeds.

    13 years ago at 5:45 pm
    1. BROpocalypse Now

      Vandy, not once does it say XX University. XX is probably short for _______ University or University of __________.

      13 years ago at 9:13 pm
    2. BrewinFromBologna

      …The clock is ticking down….looks like Vandyfrat may only have one shot…5…..4….He tosses it up deep from downtown…the clock’s still ticking….2…1…..I…….. DON’T BELIEVE IT!!!! BROPOCALYPSE NOW SLAMS IT IN!!!!! This may be the biggest ally-oop buzzer beater is the history of mankind!!!! This is an upset for the record books. Back you you Mitch, hows that sorostitute “Sandwich Make-off” going?

      13 years ago at 11:05 pm
    1. PhiGamma

      Well, it matters who is getting blasted! Am I right or am I right?! Right guys? Right?!

      13 years ago at 10:51 pm
  2. Jon M Fratsman

    Picture is of Middle Tennessee’s basketball court area, recognized it instantly from one time when I was in there. Pretty sure the guys playing are geeds, but there does appear to be a KA watching.

    13 years ago at 5:55 pm
    1. Casey Franthony

      Holy shit Sherlock Holmes pledge found you out just like that. Good job Pledge Jon M Fratsman. Now get back to the fucking basement.

      13 years ago at 7:06 pm
    2. Insatiable Bastard

      This picture was most definitely taken at Texas State University- San Marcos, TX. Site of many egregious calls by our most objective and consistent Campus Recreation Retards.

      13 years ago at 9:09 pm
    3. phiphitillidie

      fake story. this is texas state and the championship game was SAE/PIKE not these geeds.

      13 years ago at 9:53 pm
    4. ostrichskinonly

      This story occurred before Pike and SAE were back allowed back on campus, and your ill-informed commentary on this photo is about as unnecessary as the re-colonization of said chapters.

      13 years ago at 11:43 pm
    5. Jon M Fratsman

      Casey Franthony your name is that of a child-killing bitch. Need I say more?

      13 years ago at 1:21 am
    6. Year Around Frat

      Mr Fratsman, how can you instantly recognize one rec center from one visit by seeing an ambiguous photo? This rec center looks like my school too and probably several others as well.

      13 years ago at 5:40 am
    7. fratolf hitler

      Casey Franthony your name is horrible. how could you ever glorify a horrible person like that

      13 years ago at 3:19 pm
  3. Frat Preacher

    Even if this was made up, it was great entertainment to read through. Well played.

    13 years ago at 6:14 pm
    1. Fraturnalia

      completely entertaining. It degrades from borderline intelligent defense to the ramblings of a insane, self-proclaimed patriot.

      13 years ago at 2:34 pm
  4. War Damn America

    So let me get this straight, you are going to follow their demands of not being involved at all until you get a full apology. That’s fucking retarded, if I was there staff I wouldn’t answer either because you are doing what they want. You sir are a fucking dumbass.

    13 years ago at 6:14 pm
    1. 1844_The_Win

      I completely agree. Twisting your words to make it sound like you won but still being banned. NF

      13 years ago at 6:25 pm
    2. Sherlock Holmes

      Yeah, I’m stumped… This column makes absolutely no sense. What was “patriotic” about what he did or said? I missed that part. He got a foul for mouthing and being immature/hotheaded, then all of a sudden, he thinks himself the Savior of the US of A. Lost.

      13 years ago at 6:39 pm
    3. PhiHard

      Thank you.. I dont get why anyone thinks this is FaF.. he wrote a few wordy emails saying he would just stay out of their facilities.. if he actually got an apology that would be an entirely different story.. but they never responded so they basically got what they wanted – a douchebag to not participate in intramural sports… great column… what the fuck.

      13 years ago at 6:56 am
    4. Charleston FratEN

      Chances are he wasn’t going to actually stay out of the building or stop attending Intramural events..

      13 years ago at 11:54 am
  5. FratfricanAmerican

    It’s always important to let administration know that you’re better than they are now, and you’re only on the way up while they spiral into a midlife crisis and eventual desolation. I just had to do this today in a judicial review, but nothing close to this magnificent work. Frat On.

    13 years ago at 6:15 pm
  6. houstonFrat

    This guy is probably fucking strippers, shooting guns, and smoking cigarettes this very minute.

    13 years ago at 6:24 pm
    1. Fratalee Holloway

      I bet he is shooting fucking strippers with a smoking gun and a cigarette.

      13 years ago at 7:18 pm
    2. NativeFloridaCracker

      I bet he is shooting strippers with a gun and smoking fucking cigarettes every minute.

      13 years ago at 5:17 pm