Jay Cutler Demotes Fiance to Slampiece Status
Official statement from Jay Cutler regarding his break up with Kristin Cavallari:
As you may have heard, my wedding to reality TV star and perennial boner inducer Kristin Cavallari has been called off. Translation: Shit got way too close to giving off the vibe that I gave a fuck about something. We can’t have that happening, now can we? Look, sometimes you have to yank the emergency brake on a seemingly solid relationship and see what happens. I just want everyone to know that despite all of this, I will remain steadfast in my ability to not give a fuck. When I look in the mirror, that same sullen and disinterested face that dominates the sidelines is staring right back at me. So, how did Jay Cutler react to the break up? The same way he reacts to shitting the bed in a big game: utter indifference. The moment I pulled the plug I took my boys straight to Chili’s for some pints and skillet queso. Not because I needed to get my mind off things, but because it was fucking Tuesday. Capped the night off by f-blasting some bartender in the back of the H2. Bartenders are an easy target for a top tier swoop and a Nike Dri-Fit polo that screams “I’m comfortable. Fuck you.” Yeah, I could’ve laid some pipe, but that requires more than the bare minimum. Also, the man piece has been too frat to erect for the better part of 2011. You might be asking “Jay, you dumbass, why would you break things off with such a hot little bitch?” Simple answer: I do not give anything that remotely resembles a fuck. It’s the same reason why I refuse to make eye contact, and if I do make eye contact, it’s that kind of eye contact that says “Who the fuck are you again?” Please don’t doubt my cred any longer. I pioneered “fuck it frat” you jackwagons.
The above column is a parody. Obviously, Jay Cutler did not actually say the statements in this column.
FiF
13 years ago at 9:27 amNot showing up to meetings is fuck it frat.
13 years ago at 10:03 amAs Cutler is a Vanderbilt graduate, I doubt he writes like an obnoxious 6th grader. Awful parody. Go read The Onion for a while, come back, and try again.
13 years ago at 9:29 am^this man is angry
13 years ago at 9:34 amnah, a fan of humor, which this column failed to provide. I am hoping he can improve, and one day, make me chuckle.
13 years ago at 9:37 amyou mad bro?
13 years ago at 9:40 amLeave him alone, his mom cancelled his Xbox live last night.
13 years ago at 10:04 amthis guy…
13 years ago at 10:24 amDoes anyone like this fucker.^
13 years ago at 10:24 amI can’t believe it, I mean I honestly can’t believe it, but I have to agree with piker on this one. Despite this though, I still maintain that piker is a douchebag who says dumb shit on almost every column and he deserves to go dove hunting with Dick Cheney.
13 years ago at 10:39 amYea, I wasnt a big fan of this column either. It was ok, but not great compared to Sterling’s.
13 years ago at 11:07 amYou guys are gay. Everyone knows that the Oilers have the best team in the league this year.
13 years ago at 5:35 pmI also would have to agree with The Piker (for hopefully the only time ever!). This had good [humourous] intentions, but was very poorly written.
13 years ago at 7:47 amWhen the fuck did we start saying “U Mad bro?”
13 years ago at 10:23 amJesus H. Christ on a bike, I thought we were fratstars and not fucking basement dwellers?
On the internet, everyone is a fratstar/billionaire/professional athlete.
13 years ago at 10:24 am^ but mostly just a troll
13 years ago at 10:00 amJay Cutler is a pussy and the Packers are going to win another Super Bowl.
13 years ago at 9:33 amyou misspelled Saints**
13 years ago at 9:37 amYou misspelled Gays**. The Falcons are obviously the best team in the history of the NFL, therefore they will win the Super Bowl.
13 years ago at 9:39 amNo. He misspelled Panthers.
13 years ago at 9:40 amHe probably gives zero fucks that you think that.
13 years ago at 9:46 amI’m confused, nobody misspelled anything.
13 years ago at 9:47 amGo Titans!! Oh wait…damn it.
13 years ago at 9:50 amObviously the Redskins you morons. Havent you ever heard of Jon Beck? No? well me neither and theyre my favorite team
13 years ago at 10:57 amProper Fratire….just shut the fuck up
13 years ago at 12:10 pmYou mad bro?
13 years ago at 1:55 pmtoo funny proper fratire
13 years ago at 2:09 pmtoo gay, 736. You are supergay. SUPERGAY. UBERSUPERGAY.
13 years ago at 2:12 pmk
13 years ago at 2:23 pmI’m going to write a column about your faggotry.
13 years ago at 2:24 pmyou misspelled Dolphins
13 years ago at 2:49 pmI hope everyone realizes the Bengals are about to reel off an undefeated… er. winless, season.
13 years ago at 3:47 pmY’all misspelled Texans.
13 years ago at 9:26 pmYou misspelled Bengals… wait, wait, no.. no you didnt.
13 years ago at 12:20 amha I didnt even notice the Big LeFratski’s comment until after, glad to see I am not the only one who thinks this.
13 years ago at 12:22 amAll of us in Cowboys nation give zero fucks, either we will win the Superbowl soon or we’ll keep shitting the bead. Either way we have more talent at any position than you have on your team. Oh- and to the Texans fan, don’t you have to go to the playoffs to win a Superbowl?
13 years ago at 12:26 amFuck the cowboys, most overrated team year in and year out.
13 years ago at 11:59 amCowboys could have a whole team of pro bowlers and still lose the division to Philly and NY. Sorry Texas. I’m not sorry.
13 years ago at 9:17 pmAre you kidding me? If Tom Smallwood was a Cowboy, they would win it every year. Not knowing shit about football, NF. They don’t need 53 pro bowlers, just that one.
13 years ago at 9:21 pmFratty Ice and the Falcons are doin it this year, and I am going to be at the superbowl blackout
13 years ago at 2:28 pmDA BEARS
13 years ago at 9:47 amthis is the year they win it all
13 years ago at 9:55 amagreed
13 years ago at 10:00 amIf by “all” you mean 3rd place in the NFC North, then yes, Da Bears will win it all. You’re gonna get smoked by Detroit and GB this year. Your OL blows, especially if Kreutz leaves, and your D is aging. Peppers still has it, but Urlacher is slowing down and you have no decent receivers. GB and Detroit are gonna be occupying the top two spots in the NFC North for the next decade.
13 years ago at 10:05 amLemme asssk ya dis, who would win between Ditka and a hurricane?
13 years ago at 10:11 amJesus christ Frat Life, go to ESPN if you are going to get hardcore over the NFL. Its a fucking consumer’s sport, and unless you own it, or are affiliated with it, it really doesn’t matter. Your school must suck at football if you take the NFL that seriously.
13 years ago at 10:14 amPike=NF.
13 years ago at 11:51 amhey hey 736 got ’em!! be clever with your insults…
13 years ago at 1:07 pmHey, fraternity lifestyle, why don’t you parrot ESPN a little more?
13 years ago at 2:53 pmMustache Rides, hold on! Hold on! Hold on! Da name of da hurricane is Hurricane Ditka…
13 years ago at 7:49 pmDitka’s stache wins by a landslide.
13 years ago at 9:22 pmWas Cutler even in a fraternity?
13 years ago at 10:18 amsounds like a great question for google.
13 years ago at 10:29 amFuck google. Ask Jeeves.
13 years ago at 10:30 amhttp://tinyurl.com/3cvt2vp
13 years ago at 10:38 amThis guy. ^
13 years ago at 11:05 am1 link, Answers.com shows him as a Sigma Phi (fraternity Ive never heard of). I think its still in doubt.
and Google. NF, Ask Jeeves. FaF
13 years ago at 11:10 amSigma Phi was part of the Union Triad, one of the first fraternities ever. Amazing that I remembered that from pledgeship.
13 years ago at 1:49 pmThe original sigma phi is non-existent. I’m a SigEp and our original name was going to be Sigma Phi but it was already taken. But not The first Sigma Phi is defunct. I believe it to be a local one at Vanderbilt but not sure on that.
13 years ago at 6:32 pmJay Cutler goes hard, that’s for sure. Almost as hard as me.
13 years ago at 10:41 amThis^
13 years ago at 9:26 pmTh
13 years ago at 10:47 am^ Completely agree.
13 years ago at 7:56 pmya he put it perfectly…couldn’t have done better myself
13 years ago at 1:33 pmSome serious words of wisdom
13 years ago at 7:05 pmThe collection of photos far exceeds the writing, sure. But I laughed my ass off at the H2 line.
13 years ago at 10:48 amseems like it was intentionally written that way.
13 years ago at 11:00 amTrolls, parodical columns, and GDIs who have only recently seen the light. We’re doing a great job, let’s keep it going.
13 years ago at 11:25 amjay cutler is not attractive at all. ugh. so to be honest i’m surprised kristin even gave him the time of day.
13 years ago at 11:34 amYou must be a female. So to be honest I’m surprised TFM even gives you the time of day.
13 years ago at 11:41 am^agreed
13 years ago at 11:55 amI’m pretty sure that was my aunt rita in the first picture on the sidelines.
13 years ago at 6:08 pmfunny kitchen comment
13 years ago at 1:35 pmaww, did i insult your boyfriend? sorryimnotsorry.
13 years ago at 1:47 pm“How do you write women so well?”
13 years ago at 9:34 pm“I think of a man and I take away reason and accountability.”