Jay Cutler Demotes Fiance to Slampiece Status

Official statement from Jay Cutler regarding his break up with Kristin Cavallari:

As you may have heard, my wedding to reality TV star and perennial boner inducer Kristin Cavallari has been called off. Translation: Shit got way too close to giving off the vibe that I gave a fuck about something. We can’t have that happening, now can we? Look, sometimes you have to yank the emergency brake on a seemingly solid relationship and see what happens. I just want everyone to know that despite all of this, I will remain steadfast in my ability to not give a fuck. When I look in the mirror, that same sullen and disinterested face that dominates the sidelines is staring right back at me. So, how did Jay Cutler react to the break up? The same way he reacts to shitting the bed in a big game: utter indifference. The moment I pulled the plug I took my boys straight to Chili’s for some pints and skillet queso. Not because I needed to get my mind off things, but because it was fucking Tuesday. Capped the night off by f-blasting some bartender in the back of the H2. Bartenders are an easy target for a top tier swoop and a Nike Dri-Fit polo that screams “I’m comfortable. Fuck you.” Yeah, I could’ve laid some pipe, but that requires more than the bare minimum. Also, the man piece has been too frat to erect for the better part of 2011. You might be asking “Jay, you dumbass, why would you break things off with such a hot little bitch?” Simple answer: I do not give anything that remotely resembles a fuck. It’s the same reason why I refuse to make eye contact, and if I do make eye contact, it’s that kind of eye contact that says “Who the fuck are you again?” Please don’t doubt my cred any longer. I pioneered “fuck it frat” you jackwagons.

The above column is a parody. Obviously, Jay Cutler did not actually say the statements in this column.

  1. The Piker

    As Cutler is a Vanderbilt graduate, I doubt he writes like an obnoxious 6th grader. Awful parody. Go read The Onion for a while, come back, and try again.

    13 years ago at 9:29 am
    1. The Piker

      nah, a fan of humor, which this column failed to provide. I am hoping he can improve, and one day, make me chuckle.

      13 years ago at 9:37 am
    2. Frattyshack13

      I can’t believe it, I mean I honestly can’t believe it, but I have to agree with piker on this one. Despite this though, I still maintain that piker is a douchebag who says dumb shit on almost every column and he deserves to go dove hunting with Dick Cheney.

      13 years ago at 10:39 am
    3. Damn Right

      Yea, I wasnt a big fan of this column either. It was ok, but not great compared to Sterling’s.

      13 years ago at 11:07 am
    4. CarBro Shorts

      You guys are gay. Everyone knows that the Oilers have the best team in the league this year.

      13 years ago at 5:35 pm
    5. TriDeltaSweetheart

      I also would have to agree with The Piker (for hopefully the only time ever!). This had good [humourous] intentions, but was very poorly written.

      13 years ago at 7:47 am
    6. The Frat Czar

      When the fuck did we start saying “U Mad bro?”
      Jesus H. Christ on a bike, I thought we were fratstars and not fucking basement dwellers?

      13 years ago at 10:23 am
  2. Minnebrota Brophers

    Jay Cutler is a pussy and the Packers are going to win another Super Bowl.

    13 years ago at 9:33 am
    1. Fratastic IV

      You misspelled Gays**. The Falcons are obviously the best team in the history of the NFL, therefore they will win the Super Bowl.

      13 years ago at 9:39 am
    2. zerohdcp

      Obviously the Redskins you morons. Havent you ever heard of Jon Beck? No? well me neither and theyre my favorite team

      13 years ago at 10:57 am
    3. The Big LeFratski

      I hope everyone realizes the Bengals are about to reel off an undefeated… er. winless, season.

      13 years ago at 3:47 pm
    4. pocket ts and 993s

      ha I didnt even notice the Big LeFratski’s comment until after, glad to see I am not the only one who thinks this.

      13 years ago at 12:22 am
    5. Broby Petrino

      All of us in Cowboys nation give zero fucks, either we will win the Superbowl soon or we’ll keep shitting the bead. Either way we have more talent at any position than you have on your team. Oh- and to the Texans fan, don’t you have to go to the playoffs to win a Superbowl?

      13 years ago at 12:26 am
    6. BelligerentFratstar

      Cowboys could have a whole team of pro bowlers and still lose the division to Philly and NY. Sorry Texas. I’m not sorry.

      13 years ago at 9:17 pm
    7. The Piker

      Are you kidding me? If Tom Smallwood was a Cowboy, they would win it every year. Not knowing shit about football, NF. They don’t need 53 pro bowlers, just that one.

      13 years ago at 9:21 pm
    8. Sigma Alpha Brosilon

      Fratty Ice and the Falcons are doin it this year, and I am going to be at the superbowl blackout

      13 years ago at 2:28 pm
    1. Fraternity Lifestyle

      If by “all” you mean 3rd place in the NFC North, then yes, Da Bears will win it all. You’re gonna get smoked by Detroit and GB this year. Your OL blows, especially if Kreutz leaves, and your D is aging. Peppers still has it, but Urlacher is slowing down and you have no decent receivers. GB and Detroit are gonna be occupying the top two spots in the NFC North for the next decade.

      13 years ago at 10:05 am
    2. The Piker

      Jesus christ Frat Life, go to ESPN if you are going to get hardcore over the NFL. Its a fucking consumer’s sport, and unless you own it, or are affiliated with it, it really doesn’t matter. Your school must suck at football if you take the NFL that seriously.

      13 years ago at 10:14 am
    3. Fratnannigans

      Mustache Rides, hold on! Hold on! Hold on! Da name of da hurricane is Hurricane Ditka…

      13 years ago at 7:49 pm
    1. Damn Right

      1 link, Answers.com shows him as a Sigma Phi (fraternity Ive never heard of). I think its still in doubt.

      and Google. NF, Ask Jeeves. FaF

      13 years ago at 11:10 am
    2. Fraternity Lifestyle

      Sigma Phi was part of the Union Triad, one of the first fraternities ever. Amazing that I remembered that from pledgeship.

      13 years ago at 1:49 pm
    3. Year Around Frat

      The original sigma phi is non-existent. I’m a SigEp and our original name was going to be Sigma Phi but it was already taken. But not The first Sigma Phi is defunct. I believe it to be a local one at Vanderbilt but not sure on that.

      13 years ago at 6:32 pm
  3. Up at Frat

    The collection of photos far exceeds the writing, sure. But I laughed my ass off at the H2 line.

    13 years ago at 10:48 am
  4. XxRushPIKE69xX

    Trolls, parodical columns, and GDIs who have only recently seen the light. We’re doing a great job, let’s keep it going.

    13 years ago at 11:25 am
  5. anonymous1

    jay cutler is not attractive at all. ugh. so to be honest i’m surprised kristin even gave him the time of day.

    13 years ago at 11:34 am
    1. Carlos Spicyweiner

      You must be a female. So to be honest I’m surprised TFM even gives you the time of day.

      13 years ago at 11:41 am
    2. Fratent Pending

      I’m pretty sure that was my aunt rita in the first picture on the sidelines.

      13 years ago at 6:08 pm
    3. BelligerentFratstar

      “How do you write women so well?”
      “I think of a man and I take away reason and accountability.”

      13 years ago at 9:34 pm