Jay Cutler Demotes Fiance to Slampiece Status

Paul Hazinger13 years ago

Official statement from Jay Cutler regarding his break up with Kristin Cavallari:

As you may have heard, my wedding to reality TV star and perennial boner inducer Kristin Cavallari has been called off. Translation: Shit got way too close to giving off the vibe that I gave a fuck about something. We can’t have that happening, now can we? Look, sometimes you have to yank the emergency brake on a seemingly solid relationship and see what happens. I just want everyone to know that despite all of this, I will remain steadfast in my ability to not give a fuck. When I look in the mirror, that same sullen and disinterested face that dominates the sidelines is staring right back at me. So, how did Jay Cutler react to the break up? The same way he reacts to shitting the bed in a big game: utter indifference. The moment I pulled the plug I took my boys straight to Chili’s for some pints and skillet queso. Not because I needed to get my mind off things, but because it was fucking Tuesday. Capped the night off by f-blasting some bartender in the back of the H2. Bartenders are an easy target for a top tier swoop and a Nike Dri-Fit polo that screams “I’m comfortable. Fuck you.” Yeah, I could’ve laid some pipe, but that requires more than the bare minimum. Also, the man piece has been too frat to erect for the better part of 2011. You might be asking “Jay, you dumbass, why would you break things off with such a hot little bitch?” Simple answer: I do not give anything that remotely resembles a fuck. It’s the same reason why I refuse to make eye contact, and if I do make eye contact, it’s that kind of eye contact that says “Who the fuck are you again?” Please don’t doubt my cred any longer. I pioneered “fuck it frat” you jackwagons.

The above column is a parody. Obviously, Jay Cutler did not actually say the statements in this column.