John Rocker Raffles Off “A Night Of Drinking With John Rocker”

TFM Intern10 years ago

If you were to ask me what the perfect raffle prize would be, I’d probably say 10 minutes with Lacey Chabert–even though I’d only need three. However, a close second would have to be a night of drinking with John Rocker. For 10 lucky winners, that dream is about to come true. The former Braves closer was in Cooperstown this weekend practically GIVING AWAY a booze-induced evening at his signing booth, accompanied by some optional race baiting T-shirts that say “Speak English.”

Here are the details:

Only $5 for a chance to drink with John Rocker. I threw my name in! #ThatsSoCooperstown #HOFWKND pic.twitter.com/GSboo8lC8i

— Vanessa (Van) Demske (@vdemske) July 26, 2014

Lol you can win a night out drinking with John Rocker pic.twitter.com/xfLW0HUW7N

— Lauren Madara ✌ (@LaurenMadara) July 26, 2014

Now, many sports sites have called this the saddest raffle they have ever seen, but that’s just liberal journalism trying to dissuade fun-loving Americans from potentially embarking on the greatest night of their lives.

Even while entrants have learned that Rocker’s contribution to the night may only include one round of cheap beer, that shouldn’t even matter. I’ll gladly buy the Rockman top shelf bourbon if we can get hammered and talk about our mutual hatred for riding the Queens-bound subways after midnight. Finally, I’d have someone who understands my pain. I mean, let’s see you ride the 7 train back to TFM’s New York headquarters–AKA my apartment–and have to sit next to someone who has “purple hair.” Total nightmare.

I honestly could not think of a better way to spend a weekend in Cooperstown than getting blackout drunk with Rocker. Sure, we’d both dislike each other at first due to our differences, what with him being a gun-toting loner with a mean streak and me being a wisecracking loud mouth who never knows when to shut up. But when a priceless Babe Ruth-signed baseball gets stolen, we’ll be forced to team up together to solve the mystery and save America’s pastime.

We’d bumble from lead to lead, stepping on each other’s toes due to our unwillingness to work as a team, only for our friendship to grow over the course of the night as we eventually open up and tell one another secrets that have haunted us for all these years. Hot on the heels of the perpetrator, Rocker will finally become a team player and I’ll learn what it takes to be a man, as I sacrifice myself and my future-modeling career by taking a broken bottle to the face during a major bar fight. In a twist, we’ll discover that the thief we were after was only just the tip of the iceberg, and this is a conspiracy that goes all the way to the top of Major League Baseball–and those guys are pinning the stolen artifact on a syndicate headed up by A-Rod. Because, you know, steroids.

Rocker and I would finally put all our differences aside, create some kind of best friend handshake, and proceed to kick the shit out of a number of armed assailants as we take down the corrupt commissioner during the highly televised All-Star Game. We’ll eventually find ourselves both on the Braves, where I’ll catch the final out of Game 7, power point to Rocker (who is back on the mound), and lead Atlanta to its first World Series title in exactly 20 years. Disney will buy the rights to our story and the movie will be called “Double Play.” Channing Tatum will play me, due to our uncanny resemblance, and it will go on to be the highest grossing picture ever.

Only $5 for a chance to win all of that? You can’t take my money fast enough.

Me and John Rocker. pic.twitter.com/NVBQMbTmAM

— Kevin Horne (@KevinHornePSU) July 25, 2014

[via Hall Of Very Good]

Images via Twitter