Jon Hamm Has Finally Come To Terms With The World Knowing His Dong Is An Ancient Sea Beast
Mad Men star (and St. Louisan and Mizzou alum, ahem) Jon Hamm has a giant dick. You know the old, “It’s like a baby’s arm holding an apple,” big dick analogy? Yeah, no, not Jon Hamm’s dick. Jon Hamm’s dick is more like John Cena’s arm palming a pumpkin. If Jon Hamm was a rookie in the Texas Rangers minor league system, they’d need an entire 25 man roster just to jack him off. The veterans would have to ask the clubhouse attendants to hold him down. Jon Hamm’s dick is so big that his group sex looks more like the crew of an all-female pirate ship trying to keep the mast steady than it does an actual orgy.
His dick and balls are what you might call the “not fuckin’ around crew.”
The whole world was more or less aware of Hamm’s greatness, because, well, how could they not be? Disguising it would be like trying to hide the pyramids. This was apparently not something Jon Hamm was happy about, however. In a 2014 interview with Rolling Stone the star vented about his privates being public knowledge.
(By the way, the best case for Jon Hamm not actually packing a Chunnel Plug is that Rolling Stone says he is.)
“They’re called ‘privates’ for a reason. I’m wearing pants, for fuck’s sake. Lay off. I mean, it’s not like I’m a fucking lead miner. There are harder jobs in the world. But when people feel the freedom to create Tumblr accounts about my cock, I feel like that wasn’t part of the deal … But whatever. I guess it’s better than being called out for the opposite.”
Let’s be fair, Jon. Your backyard is your own private property too, but if you start building a rocket ship back there people are going to notice.
These days, though, ole Hammer Dick has come around to the idea of the world knowing that he’s hung like a draft horse…’s neck. He is at peace with his piece being public knowledge. He explained as much to GQ Australia, who named him International Man of the Decade (for reasons discussed, I assume).
“It was a topic of fascination for other people, certainly not me,” Hamm explained. “By the way, as rumors go — not the worst.”
They say finding true inner peace is accepting who you are. I’m glad Jon Hamm finally came to terms with the fact that the world knows his dick is a replanted California Redwood. Must’ve been tough..
[via RFT]
You must be jealous bacon
8 years ago at 3:42 pmI think we are all jealous
8 years ago at 4:15 pmThis is Bacon’s favorite article he’s ever written
8 years ago at 3:42 pmDoubt that.
8 years ago at 3:45 pmYou just seem a bit too enthusiastic about this…
8 years ago at 3:43 pmYou seem a little too surprised by his enthusiasm….
8 years ago at 3:28 pmTPentUpSexualFrustrationM
8 years ago at 10:36 pmThis article is gay
8 years ago at 3:44 pmNO HOMO am I right
8 years ago at 3:51 pmIsn’t that calling the kettle black, Ramsey
8 years ago at 4:08 pmI think you have me confused with Renly, Loras, and Oberyn. I plow chicks. and then murder them. Which used to be a TFM round these parts till Bacon started writing articles about homo things.
8 years ago at 8:33 pmAncient sea beast is a good euphemism. I’ll just say, once you go shark you…. well you know the rest.
8 years ago at 3:49 pmNo I don’t know the rest
8 years ago at 4:03 pmI’m sure you don’t 😉
8 years ago at 4:06 pmBacon, is this your way of finally coming out of the closet?
8 years ago at 3:52 pmHonestly I was hoping your dad would explain our relationship to you.
8 years ago at 4:03 pmWow that’s really gay
8 years ago at 4:12 pmWeak comeback. I’ve seen you do better.
8 years ago at 5:53 pmIf he wanted his own comeback he’d wipe it off your dad’s face
8 years ago at 7:19 pmThought I was accidentally clicked on TSM at first. Then I looked at the other articles. Still think I’m on TSM, honestly.
8 years ago at 3:57 pmAfter Dorn’s lion dong article and now a dinkum themed article from Bacon I’m wondering if they’d publish a shark pingas article from your friendly neighborhood SharkWeekTFM.
8 years ago at 4:05 pmSo you wrote an entire article about this guy’s dick
8 years ago at 8:05 pmHas he come to terms with leading a pledge around by the scrotum with a claw hammer?
8 years ago at 8:52 pmGoogle this Hamm did some crazy shit to pledges
8 years ago at 2:13 am