Labor Day


Labor Day. It’s like the 4th of July for people who like Fall. It’s basically the day that heralds the beginning of one of the greatest times of the year. College football has kicked off (TCU apparently sucks without gingers) and baseball playoffs are near. It is at this time that I fell it necessary to bring in a small dose of clarity amongst the various Autumn-related shenanigans we’re all sure to take part in during the immediate future.

Labor Day isn’t just a day where idiots stop wearing white (try to tell Mark Twain when he can and can’t wear white suits), it’s also an opportunity for us to take stock in our current status as a labor-based nation. As many of you who believe in things like “commerce” and “business” already know, America is no longer a country with a strong manufacturing core. In simpler terms, we don’t make shit anymore. Our biggest exports are sports drinks, porn, reality TV, and the ability to lie to women to get them in bed.

Obviously it doesn’t directly affect any of us that assembly line jobs are few and far between. I haven’t sat down recently and complained about not being able to get a job controlling robot devices that build Razor scooters. But it speaks a lot about our country that we’re forced to outsource everything from cars to iPods to other countries who are much more lenient about silly things like working conditions and fair wages. You’d think that we could use all our ingenuity to find a way to stay competitive with the Chinese. I mean, they base their entire culture on eating rice and drawing stupid brush drawings in sand. And somehow those kung-fu douchers have not only stolen our jobs, but also our touchstone kids movies about learning discipline from martial arts (I don’t give a shit who you are, Jackie Chan is in no way comparable to Mr. Miyagi).

So, what do we do? Again, I could delve into specific solutions about venture capital funds and an increased focus on quality products made by Americans over penny-cost Beanie Babies, but I am, at my core, an ideas man…and I’m also not getting paid to do this shit. So first solution, let’s not try to create millions of new jobs, let’s just focus on creating one. That job would be the High-Level Ideas Czar. And this won’t be just a title; it’ll be a fucking Cabinet post. And who do we pick to head this new division? Sterling Cooper? Yeah…that fucking guy.

I know what you’re all thinking. The last thing we need is more government control over the private sector, why the hell are you creating an entire new job that seems to do exactly that? And you’re right. Which is why this job won’t have any actual authority over what happens. It’s just (in the words of dear old Teddy) a great bully pulpit. All I need is a big fucking microphone, and the change will come.

I left word with the White House about my new plan, but apparently those guys are taking Labor Day off too. So in the meantime, I’ll do what I had originally planned on doing (beers, lakes, and generally not giving a fuck about health and/or safety). Until such a time that Washington gets serious about getting serious, I will be partying my scrotum off. I suggest you do the same. But feel free to take any and all drunken opportunities to rant about the current state of affairs in our country. That’s what liberty is all about. Ron Paul said so.

  1. the nelson

    The white house didn’t take the day off, they’ve been off for the better part of three years.

    13 years ago at 2:31 pm
  2. Johnnie Walker Blue

    ^This guy is getting more and more obnoxious, trolling on every post.

    13 years ago at 2:39 pm
  3. Elephant Walker

    the intern deleted my comment calling sterling cooper a GDI.
    time to take em to the hazement

    13 years ago at 2:44 pm
    1. Elephant Walker

      in all seriousness, if he is in a fraternity than could he please identify which one, because i think he’s a “galaxy”, which is not a greek letter social organization

      13 years ago at 2:45 pm
  4. thisguy

    Mr. Cooper I usually enjoy reading your columns but with all due respect this has to be the dumbest thing I have read in quit some time. I hope you were attempting satire when proposing yet another meaningless czar, that is the last thing we need right now.

    13 years ago at 2:45 pm
    1. Elephant Walker

      i am sick of him calling us brothers.
      he was never in a fraternity, nevertheless my fraternity

      13 years ago at 2:47 pm
    2. Success

      Give it a rest walker, you troll. We get it, you’ve made it your life’s mission to shit on Cooper. We get it, we don’t care. The day you write anything a quarter as good as most of his posts, I might care enough to spit in your general direction. Until then, that’s enough.

      13 years ago at 2:53 pm
    3. ShooterMcGavin

      The only thing you would spit in anyone’s direction is sterling cooper’s jizz… I don’t understand why people worship him, after all, he is a GDI.

      13 years ago at 3:48 pm
    4. Success

      I’m not worshipping anyone and way to take it straight to gay shooter. You don’t want to read his column? Don’t. But quit getting your panties all twisted up and whining like little girls.

      13 years ago at 4:12 pm
    1. BROnard Ramsey

      You must be new. Because if you weren’t, you’d already know about the extensive debate that goes on every single time sterling cooper posts a column. Anyway, from what I’ve gathered is some people on here have claimed to know who sterling cooper is and that he goes to a school in Texas (the name I forget) that does not have Fraternities, but instead social clubs. Thus he is not a Brother, and people on this site take offense to that. But other than that, there is no more proof that I am aware of.

      13 years ago at 4:04 pm
    2. charlie_day

      I could, but TFM deletes my comments every time I try to explain and put links into my comments. This sight is run by GDIs, and I could prove that if TFM would quit deleting comments.

      13 years ago at 10:53 pm
  5. Fratter Day Saint

    This acticle really sucks, whoever wrote it needs to research a little harder.

    13 years ago at 3:13 pm
  6. Cupid

    We outsource a shit ton in something called weapons. It’s how we make money. Along with our sciences and medical discoveries.
    And besides, China fucking sucks. In WWIII we will kick their commy asses.

    13 years ago at 3:29 pm
    1. WWW1858

      No we don’t. Well Obama sold military grade weapons to the Mexican drug cartels but other then that no we do not. Why would the US sell weapons to foreign nations? Clearly you are not in the military because the weaponry used is mainly secret-top secret.

      13 years ago at 9:02 pm