Labor Day
13 years ago

Brothers,

Labor Day. It’s like the 4th of July for people who like Fall. It’s basically the day that heralds the beginning of one of the greatest times of the year. College football has kicked off (TCU apparently sucks without gingers) and baseball playoffs are near. It is at this time that I fell it necessary to bring in a small dose of clarity amongst the various Autumn-related shenanigans we’re all sure to take part in during the immediate future.

Labor Day isn’t just a day where idiots stop wearing white (try to tell Mark Twain when he can and can’t wear white suits), it’s also an opportunity for us to take stock in our current status as a labor-based nation. As many of you who believe in things like “commerce” and “business” already know, America is no longer a country with a strong manufacturing core. In simpler terms, we don’t make shit anymore. Our biggest exports are sports drinks, porn, reality TV, and the ability to lie to women to get them in bed.

Obviously it doesn’t directly affect any of us that assembly line jobs are few and far between. I haven’t sat down recently and complained about not being able to get a job controlling robot devices that build Razor scooters. But it speaks a lot about our country that we’re forced to outsource everything from cars to iPods to other countries who are much more lenient about silly things like working conditions and fair wages. You’d think that we could use all our ingenuity to find a way to stay competitive with the Chinese. I mean, they base their entire culture on eating rice and drawing stupid brush drawings in sand. And somehow those kung-fu douchers have not only stolen our jobs, but also our touchstone kids movies about learning discipline from martial arts (I don’t give a shit who you are, Jackie Chan is in no way comparable to Mr. Miyagi).

So, what do we do? Again, I could delve into specific solutions about venture capital funds and an increased focus on quality products made by Americans over penny-cost Beanie Babies, but I am, at my core, an ideas man…and I’m also not getting paid to do this shit. So first solution, let’s not try to create millions of new jobs, let’s just focus on creating one. That job would be the High-Level Ideas Czar. And this won’t be just a title; it’ll be a fucking Cabinet post. And who do we pick to head this new division? Sterling Cooper? Yeah…that fucking guy.

I know what you’re all thinking. The last thing we need is more government control over the private sector, why the hell are you creating an entire new job that seems to do exactly that? And you’re right. Which is why this job won’t have any actual authority over what happens. It’s just (in the words of dear old Teddy) a great bully pulpit. All I need is a big fucking microphone, and the change will come.

I left word with the White House about my new plan, but apparently those guys are taking Labor Day off too. So in the meantime, I’ll do what I had originally planned on doing (beers, lakes, and generally not giving a fuck about health and/or safety). Until such a time that Washington gets serious about getting serious, I will be partying my scrotum off. I suggest you do the same. But feel free to take any and all drunken opportunities to rant about the current state of affairs in our country. That’s what liberty is all about. Ron Paul said so.

  2. Pounding Vag

    This is a terrible article. The US has progressed away from the manufacturing sector into the information sector which is much more important in the hierarchy of advancement. If you’re saying that we should go back to the ways of “manufacturing” then do some research and get back to me on that one.

    13 years ago at 4:39 pm
    1. WWW1858

      You need to do research then. As much as I hate Sterling Cooper he is right we need industry back in the US. The Roman empire when they collapsed became an information (service, get your fucking economic structure right) based economy which destroyed their economy. Also look at China and India building better booming economies and they are industry. Change your name to Pompous Ass.

      13 years ago at 5:13 pm
    2. fratanomics

      Rome didn’t fall because it was an information-based economy. What the fuck are you talking about? Rome fell primarily because of succession failures and money issues. Compounding that were frequent Germanic incursions into Roman territory. The Goths pillaged the shit out of Rome multiple times and ended up ruling Italy at various points. That doesn’t even begin to factor in the Huns or other tribes.

      13 years ago at 10:14 am
  3. Wilco Frat

    I dunno, his last few articles seem to embrace tangential thinking…they’re quite choppy, and tend to ramble. Mr. Cooper, you ought to get back to your roots. More satire, less boring observation please.

    13 years ago at 4:48 pm
    1. Andrew Fratson

      Agreed. Amongst other things, his style (which I always appreciated) has gone to complete and utter shit. Even if I have a problem identifying with the points he’s making, I at least appreciated the manner in which he wrote. But these past few columns, I’ve pretty much been bored out of my mind with his mundane and seemingly uneducated approach to writing.

      13 years ago at 6:16 pm
  5. CatchMeFrattinDirty

    This article is tying incorrect reasoning with some attempted humor. Poor effort. Want to know why we outsource labor? Because the Liberals in this country have instituted so many meaningless, job killing taxes and policies that no business can compete on a global scale. Abolish minimum wage as a start. Supply and Demand still applies to labor. Econ 101.

    13 years ago at 5:13 pm
  7. Gov_Lester Maddox

    GDI, GDI, GDI! When is TFM going to learn that Sterling Cooper is not our friend or brother. He is a doucher in a social club, not a fraternity.

    13 years ago at 5:19 pm
  10. carolinahaze

    It’s a shame that Labor Day has been hijacked by all the lazy union bums who just use it to preach for more Obamanomics.

    13 years ago at 6:21 pm
    3. FratasticMrLean

      There’s nothing wrong with unions in principle; it’s just that in practice it ends up being a little socialist.

      13 years ago at 9:18 pm
    4. TrickleDown

      Nothing wrong with unions when joining a union was a way of saying, “Shit, I’d rather not get my arm chopped off by this sewing machine.” Nowadays, unions are just government-backed bullies that destroy the private sector.

      13 years ago at 11:19 pm
    2. brostock

      that, the ostrich laugh, and the “I award you no points” speech (among others) have completely lost their humor for me.

      13 years ago at 6:03 pm