Mailbag: Getting No Tinder Matches, Defining The Relationship, Bailing On A Formal Date
6 years ago

Welcome to the TFM Mailbag, wherein I will answer your questions to the best of my ability. Send your questions to [email protected]. No topics are off limits.

Alright so here’s my problem. I’m an off and on again Tinder user. I’ve deleted my account like 5 times at least but of course I’m back on it again. At my best, I’ve gotten up to like 21 matches with like 4 girls that actually respond. Right now, after two days I’m at 5 girls, 6 if we count the girl who matched me and proceeds to tell me she has seen my profile before and typically swipes left. Anyway, my roommate is already great with girls and he decided to get a Tinder.

After less then 24 hours he has 25 likes and at one point the app showed 99+ people liked him. The highest that number has ever been for me was briefly 25+. Am I ugly or just insanely average? My friend is a good looking dude, but I didn’t think even he could take over tinder that fast. Now, I’m just feeling bad about myself. Is it me that’s unattractive or is my roommate a god among men? I don’t want to look down on myself but also want to be realistic. The app can be fun, but I feel embarrassed when I see someone do that much better then me. Tips would be wonderful. Thanks.

I’ve never seen you before, so there’s a possibility you just aren’t that good looking. But for the purposes of your question, I’ll assume you’re a solid six. You can absolutely get a ton of matches, and it’s all about the photos you have on your profile. Most guys seem to think that five photos of them just chillin’ with the boys is going to be fine, but you’ve got to get a professional-looking photo in there.

Have someone with a good camera snap a quality headshot of you, then get into an editing app and mess around with the sliders until you’re happy with the result. That should get you noticeably more matches. Make sure you look at least almost as good as your pictures, though. If not, you could get put on some top-secret blacklist that all females have access to.

Bear with me, I’m trying to make a long story short. Last summer, I was drunk and talking to a friend that I’d been hooking up with for a while about how I thought it was so great that we’ve been able to hook up for so long without catching feelings or try to make this a relationship. He proceeded to tell me that there was no reason to date in the past because my school is like 30+ hours away but we could date next summer after I’ve graduated and moved back. It’s worth noting he was fairly sober for this conversation.

To give some context, we have a lot of mutual friends and have known each other for a long time. All of our friends know we’ve been hooking up and we still hang out pretty frequently. Also if we’re at the same party, he ignores the girls that are obviously trying to hook up and will come talk to me, put his arm around me, grab my ass, etc. I honestly thought we were rocking the best fwb situation but I can’t stop thinking about what he said.

Since then, we’ve talked on the phone and texted a little bit but nothing serious and we’ve never talked about that conversation again. But graduation is coming up and I don’t know if I should mention it when I get home?

Also sorry because I didn’t keep this short, oops.

Right as I was getting to the end of the novel you wrote me, I heard the unmistakable nasally crooning of Chad Kroeger on a mid-2000s Nickelback song. My roommate was blaring it from his room, and I immediately rushed over to confront him about the issue. His door was locked, and on the other side he was belting out the lyrics while trying to hold back laughter. My roommate is a very small, insignificant man that will never stop taking pleasure in playing half-assed “pranks” on people, and for some reason this has me more worked up than usual. Anyway, I don’t remember what your question was about.

Hello Wes,

I would like to start my question by saying that you are a massive nerd fuck and no one should listen to any advice you give them. That being said, here I am. I am currently pursuing a solid 9/10 with a killer personality, but have been a total shitbag in the past and may have messed everything up. Over Spring Break, a friend told me that she wanted to sleep with me, and of course, I completed the task because there was no way in hell I was missing out on that kind of opportunity. Afterwards, I went on a streak of sleeping with a moderate amount of girls in the coming weeks. I am not trying to paint the picture that I fuck, but I can confidently say I was doing well for myself during this time.

The issue here is that I made the rookie mistake of sleeping with two of her sorority sisters after her, and she found out about it. I made this mistake before I realized how cool she was and how I actually want to pursue her. Her friends informed me that she was definitely put off by the fact that I slept with her friends. Upon hearing that, I have not slept with anyone since I felt this way about her and have tried to subtly convince her I am not a complete dickhead whenever I am around her. Recently, I asked her to a date party that is coming up and she said yes. How do I make the most out of this second chance, if it even is one? The date party is tomorrow, so any advice via email today would be super fucking solid. Sorry for the late notice.

All jokes aside, I really appreciate all of your content on TFM, and would love to be featured in one of your Mailbag columns.

Also, please leave my fraternity affiliation out of this, as many of my brothers read TFM articles and would use this opportunity to slander my name.

To quote Adam Sandler in Billy Madison, YOU BLEW IT!!!

In order to salvage this situation, you need to go to that date party and be on your best behavior. Don’t even look at another woman, and make sure you don’t get too drunk. You’ve got to realize that this whole situation of yours is on life support, and you’re going to have to nurse it back to health over time. Please write in again when you inevitably fuck up a few months down the line. I’d really appreciate it. Also, thanks for the kind words, king. It’s nice to be recognized as the curator of the best mailbag column on the internet.

Wes,

Long story short I go to the bar on friday, hop on tinder just to see what’s happening and I match with this girl who’s looking for a formal date. Basically the convo ends with us agreeing to go to her formal but we hung out the next day and she was weird and isn’t that attractive. Do I just have to deal with my drunken mistake or is there time to get out of it? Formal is next weekend just FYI, thanks for any insight on the matter.

You can absolutely cancel on the formal for any number of reasons, but if you do that you can’t end up going with someone else. That shit could close a lot of doors for you in the future. You don’t want to be known as a liar and an asshole.

Yo,

So like I’m a freshman in college. When I got here I was a virgin. I had started dating this girl because I knew she would take my virginity. Turns out this girl was terrible at all things sexually, like she could not make cum for anything, and could barely keep me hard. So I dumped this girl and stumbled across this other girl.

This girl very bluntly told me she would teach me how to fuck, so it seemed like pretty radical deal. I’ve gone over to her dorm to knock boots like 3 times now and still haven’t finished. Like, we smush for at least 3 episodes of the office each time, and nothing?

The real question is, Is my dick broken?
Like I can bust from jacking it, but the real thing seems to do nothing. Should I see a doctor?

From,
Dabs

You should see a doctor. I sincerely hope that your treatment involves a lobotomy.

Remember to send any and all questions you have to [email protected].

  5. SharkWeekTFM

    Tinder guy: Gotta work on marketing. Take decent photos but try and get them doing something fun. Make a girl who might not find you THAT attractive think you are fun enough to make up for being average. Can’t hurt to put some thought into your bio too.

    Girl worried about fwb catching feelings, tell the guy what you’re worried about. Let him know you like what you have going on right now. Regardless of however awesome he THINKS it’ll be to date, he won’t enjoy dating you if you’re not into it too. And right now you’re not into dating… simple.

    Formal guy, Wes pretty much has this covered. Just get out of it, but keep this story more or less to yourself. Don’t want to make girls think that asking you to dates is risky.

    Dabs, stop jerking off. Like completely (for now at least) Don’t watch porn. Don’t drink before your seshes. Wear socks when you rail (hell, keep a shirt on if you need just to help with blood flow).

    6 years ago at 8:21 am
    1. SharkWeekTFM

      Oh! Tinder guy, get pics with other hot girls or hanging out with other cool or hot guys as equals. Make girls think (if subliminally) about how THEY will be in this cool squad if they are with you.

      There was a girl at my school that hung out with nothing but hot girls; she was average at best but was considered hot just by association (people noticed this when I had them look at her outside of her hot-squad and pointed out the “hot by associate” that was happening).

      6 years ago at 8:28 am
      1. ThinkThereforeFRAT

        Maybe. One of the first epilepsy meds (many of which are also used for mood disorders like depression and bipolar) they gave me caused some ED but the doctor claimed that wasn’t a side effect. But people all over the web said they experienced the same thing.

        But could you imagine a commercial for a med that was like “side effects include weight gain, low blood pressure and boner loss.” No one would get that shit so they cover it up. Big Pharma: Illuminati confirmed

        6 years ago at 8:08 am