Mailbag: My Friend Is A Chronic Wall Pisser
The drunk sleep-pisser is pretty common. Let’s get that out of the way. I think over half of my inner circle has done it at some point, and some of them do it routinely. The “Wet Bandits,” they call themselves. It’s like a badge of dishonor they take actual pride in. Idiots. We all know someone who tends to sleep-piss when they get drunk, right? Every group has at least one. You might even be the sleep-pisser of your friends.
In this week’s Mailbag, we hear from Blake. Blake is a bit distraught over his friend’s sleep-pissing. His email is below.
Dear fuck face Dorn,
My dear friend seems to have a bit of a problem; every time this guy blackouts out he somehow finds his way out of his theoretical final destination for the night and ends up taking a steamy piss on a wall, floor, or whatever unlucky bastard is unfortunate enough to be within the blast radius of his stream of Coors Light/George Dickle toxic waste. I guess I’m asking for some sort of story that you have of one of your buddies that had this very problem that could make me sleep better, maybe what I am searching for is advice. Advice on how to get this guy to stop sleep walking and pissing on our floor and friends. Look Dorn, this isn’t some once in a blue moon coincidence, this is a real fucking problem that is sweeping the University of Tennessee Knoxville and I think that you may have the theoretical key to this theoretical equation.
Thanks and fuck you,
Blake
He attached a video, too. I don’t know the rules about showing people urinating, and while you can’t really see his thing, I’m playing it cool and showing you a censored still from the vid.
First of all, why do you have to come out swinging with “fuck face Dorn”? I’m a human being with human being emotions, man. You dickweed. And how many scenarios in real life can you precede the seeking of advice with such an egregious insult? Probably none. Only here, I guess. Lucky me.
Alright, so you want to know how to get this guy to stop sleep-pissing all over the house? The answer is simple: You can’t. That shit’s hardwired in. It’s natural, and you can’t beat nature. He eats when he’s hungry. He sleeps when he’s tired. He nuts when he’s horny. And he pisses on walls when he’s drunk. There is nothing you can do to change that, except for obviously getting him to stop drinking, which I assume won’t be happening.
I do have a story of my own about a friend who has this problem, only my sleep-pissing friend is a girl. I witnessed it firsthand one time while a group of our friends took a roadie to South Padre Island many years ago.
My friend, we’ll call her Lisa, was staying in the bedroom adjacent to mine. We rented a three-bedroom condo for the weekend. The day and night went just as you’d expect. We hit the beach and the bars and drank the entire day. Lisa turned up.
We all passed out at the end of the night. Then, at about 4 a.m., I woke up to the sound of my bedroom door swinging open like it was kicked in, swat team-style. It was Lisa’s drunk ass. She was sleep-walking. I couldn’t look away. Something story-worthy was going to happen. She walked to the center of the bedroom, took her Norts and undies off, and squatted right there on the carpet. After urinating for what seemed like 10 minutes and emptying what seemed like 10 gallons of steamy piss on the carpet, she stood up, walked to my closet, and began rummaging through my suitcase.
I had always heard not to wake a sleep walker. Something about them becoming startled and turning homicidal or something, so I let her do her thing. She finally emerged from the closet wearing my khaki pants, walked back to her room, and went to bed.
The next morning, she woke up very confused until I directed her toward her piss-covered panties on my bedroom floor and explained that I got a full beav shot at 4 a.m.
Anyway, that’s my story. We all have them, Blake. You fuck..
Same thing happened to me, except she pissed on a five gallon bucket of sheet rock joint compound with the lid still on. She looked like fountain statue while piss cascaded over the side of the bucket. Oh, the tits on that one…..
8 years ago at 12:57 pmYou should star in a reality show, man! That shits hilarious!
8 years ago at 1:20 pmYou were doing okay then you got to that last sentence and you just really, really fucked it up.
8 years ago at 1:52 pmI don’t know, a man that shits hilarious is probably a pretty funny dude.
8 years ago at 3:02 pmI like how you completely ignored the fact that this guy pisses on his friends when they’re sleeping.
8 years ago at 1:00 pmI’d bang Lisa, anyone that pisses in Dorns room and goes through his shit thus making him uncomfortable is cool in my book.
8 years ago at 1:01 pmShe’s probably better at Golden Tee than him too.
8 years ago at 2:24 pmMy suite mate freshman year got drunk enough sometimes that he would piss in the microwave in his dorm room, I assume somehow confusing it for a urinal. It probably happened like 3 times. Nice kid though.
8 years ago at 1:01 pm“Good guy, bit of an asshole.”
8 years ago at 8:04 amPedophiles don’t have emotions, fuck face Dorn.
8 years ago at 1:03 pmDorn, isn’t it sad that you are so pathetic and lonely that you’ve created this “mailbag” idea just to have some sort of human interaction besides the sad fact that Bacon is more respected than you and tells you about it when he can? On top of that, I’m fairly certain you write the emails to yourself. AND you have such low self respect you call yourself “fuck face Dorn”.
I say all that to say, you’re not good at golf.
8 years ago at 1:05 pmThis was deep.
8 years ago at 1:16 pmOnly because I care Dorno
8 years ago at 1:20 pmWhere’s Fail Friday?
8 years ago at 1:24 pmIn super bottom tier acc frats we dont haze but we all pee on each other a lot anyway. Alabama should pee pee in our butts this Monday so that will be cool
8 years ago at 1:52 pmI hope Charlie Sheen pees in your mouth and gives you AIDS.
8 years ago at 2:04 pmI don’t think that’s how that works, but I hope so too.
8 years ago at 2:41 pmThis guy took asking for a friend to new heights
8 years ago at 1:58 pmThe real key to beating this awful, underesearched disease is to break the seal early and often. Otherwise, you might end up pissing in your friend’s fireplace at 3 AM.
8 years ago at 2:28 pmHaving a fireplace in college – TFM
8 years ago at 7:45 pmCan’t you just spray them with water like the filthy misbehaving animal they are?
8 years ago at 2:58 pm