Mailbag: My Girlfriend Likes Butt Stuff Too Much

Jared Borislow7 years ago

This email came into our tip line recently and I made a special point of responding to it in this, the latest edition of the TFM Mailbag series, specifically because the sender said such nice things about me. Take note of that, emailers.

I know these mailbox messages go to Dorn most times, but I’m pretty sure his last name is amish (don’t trust those independent bastards) and I need help from the Devry Guy specifically. I’ve stuck around with TFM because of the hilarious tinder fails that he posts every Thursday. One thing that always gets me laughing is the butt stuff movement that was basically ignited by Jared’s tinder fails. Never in my life did I think the butt stuff trend that Jared created would affect me.

So here’s the dilemma, I currently have a girl and we agreed to no butt stuff because we didn’t want another person’s shit on our own bodies. This all changes every time we get drunk together. Each night that we’re close to being blackout drunk, we stumble back to her or my place and somehow find the will to fuck. But the last few weekends, she has drunkenly suggested that we do buttstuff. The first time it happened, I woke up and I was pretty happy for myself. Anal is something that I could cross off my bucketlist of things I’ll never want to do again (think of a list full of things like chugging a full bottle of tequila). But then we get drunk again, and my girlfriend suggests butt stuff. Now when I’m drunk and a girl asks me to do something, I’m not going to back down. This is just my drunken code for some reason. We’ve been steadily doing butt stuff for a month now (time flies). Keep in mind that this is going on while we’re piss drunk with no lights on, which I feel is a formula for disaster. When we’re sober, we don’t talk about doing anal and she wakes up without ever saying a word on the matter.

Jared you are the main reason people on the internet talk about butt stuff, and that makes me think you may be able to give some all-knowing advice. Do I keep getting drunk and accept my hand that I was dealt, or do I never drink alcohol with my girlfriend ever again?

P.S. I don’t think people who do butt stuff are sub-human. Every person has a thing that makes their wheels turn and I get that. Just don’t piss on anyone like R. Kelly, that is fucken unnacceptable.

Thanks for the kind words, friend. Can I call you friend? I’m going to call you friend; I’ve always wanted to call someone that. Friend. I know it’s right, but it feels kinda weird coming out of my mouth; like when you say the word “pencil” over and over again until it doesn’t even sound like English anymore, or you say the words “slather up my Cold Cut Combo with mayo, you whore” until you get kicked out of a Subway.

So it looks like my buddy’s problem here is that his drunk girlfriend (who I would also consider a close personal friend of mine) is way more into butt stuff than his sober girlfriend lets on. The fact that his sober girlfriend doesn’t even acknowledge the butt stuff the next morning is pretty wild. It’s like she has split personalities, one of which loves having sex in the ass. 8.5/10, would rather watch than that similar-yet-less-appealing M. Night Shyamalan movie.

There is only one course of action, and it will either solve your problem or cause many, many new ones for you: drunk you needs to be as into butt stuff as your drunk girlfriend is. And I mean butt stuff as it relates to your butt, not hers. Here’s what you need to do, friend:

Step 1: Go find a milk crate. Any container technically works, but the milk crate industry has fallen on tough times ever since milkshakes began outselling plain milk back in 2002, so those dudes (some pals of mine) need the help.

Step 2: Fill said milk crate up with phallic items. No, not bananas, cukes, and eggplant — boring. Go crazy with it! I’m talking a bottle of Tabasco with two ping pong balls glued to the bottom, 5 Sharpies rubberbanded together, a greased up Wiimote, etc. The crazier, the better (or worse).

Step 3: The next time your drunk girlfriend proposes butt stuff, say “me first!” and whip out the milk crate. I think maximum effect can be achieved here by whipping out those rubberbanded-together Sharpies, taking the caps off, and asking her give your colon “the Rolling Stones treatment” and paint it black.

Let me know how it goes, friend..

Image via Shutterstock