Mardi Gras Briefing: For the First Time Evangelical Activist

Brothers and Sisters,

First let me congratulate you on your brave decision to help spread the word of the Lord among the sinners who will be running rampant throughout New Orleans for the coming week in “honor” of Mardi Gras. I want to wish you the best of luck, and I have Faith in each of your abilities to bring light where there was once darkness.

I would however like to offer a few words of caution for you first timers. The scene on and around Bourbon Street can be quite jarring to the unconditioned eye. I’d like to take this opportunity to give you a brief preview of some of the more repulsive sights you may well end up seeing, things you might not be expecting.

A Sea of Soulless Eyes

The inebriation level of those attending the Mardi Gras festivities cannot be understated. Most in attendance will have arrived drunk and plan to spend their day only furthering their sinful state. The point being that they will have long since abandoned any semblance of acceptable, polite behavior. You can spot the worst of these types from their blank, glassy eyes. As I’ve preached many times on Sunday, when one imbibes too much alcohol, their soul is momentarily expelled from their bodies. In place of where their soul USED to reside will instead be a tiny demon whose lone purpose is to make his vessel a violent, profane, ejaculator.

These glassy eyed servants of the devil will be exposing themselves and demanding that those around them, including servants of the Lord such as yourselves, to do the same.

I remember my first trip to Bourbon Street, a dead eyed sinner approached our group and demanded of former parishioner Mrs. Sanderson, rest her soul, “Take off yo blouse and flop yo titties on my chin.” This is the sort of language you can expect from the rabble. A harlot who accompanied the man requested that I and another young man “whip out” our privates as well, so that she could “go skiing.” She followed up by asking if she could “Lick my taint,” to which I replied that there was not a single taint on my body or soul (which is the truth I might add!). That little witticism sent her right on her way. In general though, be prepared for the masses to be indifferent to what is right and wrong. The only thing they will be interested in is intoxicating themselves, seeing skin, and penetrating you, whether it be with a knife or, well, you get the picture.

Worshiped Obesity

When the Pope and the devil invented Mardi Gras, or as translated into God’s language, “Fat Tuesday,” they did so to celebrate gluttony, among other deadly sins. This tradition is still alive and unwell, if you will (that story above has me in the mood for witticisms now, my apologies). One of the most heinous sights you will see in your time on Bourbon Street is the ritual worship of the obese. I experienced one such ceremony several years ago. As I rounded a corner I came upon a heavy man sitting up against a dumpster, eating a large plate of oysters, and being fellated by an inebriated female.

I was far from the first to discover the scene however. Standing around and observing the atrocious performance were dozens of other drunkards, all smiling and chanting. Many males were awestruck by the obese man’s actions and announced “that guy rules.” I never found out if the rest of the crowd declared the fat oyster man king of Mardi Gras as well. I suppose it doesn’t really matter.

State Sanctioned Rape

Beware of rape piles. They are exactly what they sound like, giant piles of dozens of people raping each other. If one gets too close they WILL be dragged in… and raped. These rape piles might start out small, but have the ability to grow exponentially. Why do I say they are state sanctioned? Because the state of Louisiana dictates that a police officer is only authorized to disperse a rape pile if it is too large for his horse to navigate. Thankfully I have never witnessed one of these in person, but I have heard horror stories, including one that told of a police horse actually failing to navigate a rape pile and being pulled in. As you can imagine the horse was viciously raped, and was eventually put down.

Wear Heavy Duty Shoes

Whatever footwear you choose will most likely be soiled for life. The streets and gutters will be flowing with seminal fluid, vomit, feces, urine, and the tears of virgins.

Now this letter wasn’t written to scare anyone, I know you all will do a great job. Just remember that devil will be lurking around every corner, there is a constant threat of rape, and everyone will be as high as Heaven but well on their way to hell. Good luck spreading the word of the Lord.

God Bless,

Pastor Thomas Benjamin

P.S. If you run across any voodoo witch doctors and have the means to capture them (special blessed netting will be provided), feel free to burn them at the stake.

    1. WhoDatFrat80

      Uptown is better than Bourbon Street. College students > Drunk annoying tourists

      12 years ago at 2:51 pm
  1. 247frat

    If insulting the church makes you feel better about yourself and your “wreckless” lifestyle, then I say go for it!

    12 years ago at 4:43 pm
    1. Teen_Wolf

      There’s a difference between mocking religion for no reason and making fun of the crazies that yell at you for having a good time.

      12 years ago at 4:50 pm
    2. 247frat

      I’ll agree with that. Most college towns have those nutcases holding the guilt-inducing signs.

      12 years ago at 5:02 pm
    3. Frattab2

      If insulting other people having fun makes you feel better about your deprived, tight-ass lifestyle, then I say have a beer and shut the fuck up.

      12 years ago at 6:15 pm
    4. Bronan the Barbarian

      Causing the local religious crazies to question their belief in God. TFM.

      12 years ago at 8:20 pm
    5. PhiPhi_InYourEye

      Teen Wolf fucking sucks, what self respecting Fraternity man watches that? TGeedM.

      12 years ago at 12:26 pm
    6. Lt Aldo Raine

      Looks like someone’s never bitten into a can of beer… thereby teen wolfing it.

      12 years ago at 8:18 pm
    7. PhiPhi_InYourEye

      ^You’re a fucking dumb ass. You should be shot for referring to anything fratty, such as ripping a can open with your teeth, as ‘teen wolfing’ it. Fucking GDI bitch.

      12 years ago at 12:22 pm
  2. anon7472974648

    I’m not sure why, but I read this in a British accent.

    Polish food > Cajun food

    12 years ago at 4:49 pm
    1. anon7472974648

      Nay, my friend. Nothing beats the pączki-pierogi-kielbasa-sauerkraut combination. Lethal.

      12 years ago at 6:20 pm
    2. anon7472974648

      Have to disagree. Nothing beats the paczki-pierogi-polish sausage combination. Lethal.

      12 years ago at 7:21 pm
    3. Tallapoosa Snu

      I’m gong to have to agree with the cajun crawfish boil comment. Damn it’s good. and who cares if every polish meal contains beer? so does just about every american meal. beer, hashbrowns, and eggs for breakfast, beer and a sandwich for lunch, and beer and miscellaneous for dinner. Its just that easy.

      12 years ago at 3:18 pm
  3. RageTheory

    “High as Heaven, but on my way to Hell.” That might be my next tattoo. I’ll have to put it somewhere good… probably my butthole.

    12 years ago at 5:28 pm
    1. shooter

      “As you can imagine the horse was viciously raped, and was eventually put down.”

      I lose more horses that way.

      12 years ago at 9:46 am
  4. Bill Gates

    Mardi Gras is full of obese and worthless people. Any girl that is willing to show her tits for free to a bunch of GDI’s is NF

    12 years ago at 6:31 pm
    1. WhoDatFrat80

      Sorry Bill that you don’t get to come to the 6 day party. You’re right though I’m sure whatever your doing somewhere else in the country is just as fun.

      12 years ago at 2:58 pm
  5. Hip Hip Frat

    First the valentines column then this? Seems like bacon is going downhill….

    12 years ago at 7:04 pm