Motherfucking Millennials Now Think Drinking Is “Uncool”

PortlandPledgeHazers7 years ago

There is no escaping it. Every day our fearless millennial generation sets out on a crusade to find older generations’ most beloved pastimes and run them to the ground. First it was eating at Chilis, then drinking domestic light beers. While we could fight through this, news has broken that millennials have begun to attack the very heart and soul of this nation.

Millennials are now starting to believe that drinking altogether is “uncool” and “embarrassing.”

From The Daily Meal:

Getting drunk is so last generation, according to a survey of 1,023 millennials who whined that it’s something “pathetic” and “embarrassing” their parents used to do. A staggering 90 percent of those interviewed voiced disapproval of the habit and disdain for the messy practice of drinking to get drunk…. Millennials are actually drinking less, too. The booze hating isn’t all just talk — on average they drank just five units of alcohol per week, which equates to around two glasses of wine or two pints of beer. For all the flack millennials get for their recklessness and unhealthy habits, that number is shockingly low. Ninety percent of those surveyed confessed they had never passed out from drinking.

I think the obvious question here is who the hell are they interviewing for this study? Is it children of alcoholics? Straight-edge kids at a Fall Out Boy concert? If either of those are the case I would be more surprised to hear that four out of every five strippers has daddy issues than I would the results of this study.

The study continues on saying that:

If not booze, what are millennials looking for when they go out? Evidently, they stated they’d rather spend on wholesome endeavors like wellness and food festivals instead.

Festivals were a particularly strong draw — surprising, since they used to entail weekend-long excuses to binge drink to the tune of EDM. But the definition of a “festival” has been evolving towards wellness with the changing generation. Forty-two percent of millennials say they’re drinking less alcohol than they were three years ago — and spending time at festivals that aren’t as focused on getting wasted.

I really have to hand it to these researchers — they picked a population sample containing either the biggest liars or lamest people that they could find. The below average drinking habits, while disheartening, may in fact be true, but sober music festivals — that is a bold faced lie. I would be more apt to pay $300 to see a homeless guy on the subway play the drums on a Home Depot bucket than I would pay the same to see Skrillex while sober.

After reading the breakdown of these statistics, I am especially ashamed to be a millennial. Despite all the bad news, however, I can seek solace knowing that if the same researchers decided to make their rounds at any school’s Greek Row they would likely have an aneurysm from their findings..

[via The Daily Meal]