Most Hated GDI of the Week: The Guido

I almost wish I could change the name of this column to Most Hated GDI of All Time for this one. The Guido is not a simple entity like previous posts that can simply be ignored or dismissed. The Guido’s sole purpose for existence is to make his presence known.

We as fraternal gentlemen have this commanding presence in common with the scummy Guido, but the true difference lies in execution. While the affluent non-guidos of the world like myself garner attention through a lavish lifestyle, and overdressing every chance I get, the Guido instead chooses to gain attention by spreading a cloud of douchiness everywhere they go.

If you can’t identify a guido by now, dear God there’s no helping you. They can be instantly picked out of the crowd by the extra 3 inches of height added by their cemented-in-place porcupine haircuts. You don’t even really need to see them to know they’re around. As soon as you walk into a Guido-infested bar, you’re bound to hear their telltale raucous voices booming above the bassline, or notice the pungent smell of cheap imitation Gucci cologne (60% of the time, it works every time).

Guidos are most common along the East coast, but their plague-like influence is beginning to spread all over our nation. While I can understand seeing them in Florida fairly often (we do have Miami, the asshole of the South after all), I was appalled when I noticed a fist bumping crew in Alabama on a recent trip. That’s Ala-fucking-bama, not exactly our nations capital for tolerance. These insects are spreading their filth nationwide, and you’re going to need more than a fine toothed comb and special shampoo to get rid of these vermin.

So how does one deal with these worthless Guidos without inciting an arrest and/or adding yourself to the Italian Mafia’s “hit list?” I’m here to help. The most important Guido prevention tactic is to make sure to select bars that don’t cater to their types. If you see a “No Affliction Shirts” sign out front, you’re off to a good start. If the inside of the bar isn’t overwhelmed by a bowel-movement-esque dubstep song, you’re one step closer to Guido freedom. Finally, if you look inside the bar and see a light show that would cause more Japanese children to have seizures than a pokemon episode, just turn around. I don’t know about you, but having a laser shine into my whiskey ginger doesn’t make it taste any better, and when one of those shines in your eye, it’s a bitch.

There you have it, gentlemen. As you begin your gameday weekends, keep an eye out for these scoundrels polluting the air with shitty music, shitty liquor, and even shittier company. I went to Catholic School, so I’m all for the “Do unto others” thing, so if a Guido steps out of line by all means return the favor. Tell them I sent you.

    1. North Fratolina

      do you know many feet are in a mile? you will know once you get back from you lap

      13 years ago at 2:11 pm
    2. RamRod

      If you’ve ever watched Remember the Titans, then you should never forget how many feet are in a mile.

      13 years ago at 2:13 pm
    3. fratyard__vines

      You know why mister? Because you drove a Hyundai to get here tonight. I drove a $80,000 BMW. That’s my name.

      13 years ago at 5:41 pm
    4. Mutant

      Actually North Fratolina he won’t in fact know how many feet are in a mile once he gets back from his lap because a lap is only 400 meters, the equivalent to 1200 feet. Henceforth he will only know what about one quarter of the distance a mile is in feet.

      12 years ago at 11:01 pm
  1. USDLXAFratstache

    correction: “The Guido’s sole purpose for existence is to make ITS presence known.”

    13 years ago at 2:11 pm
    1. LifeIn580G

      This article truly pissed me off. I fucking hate those people. Made the mistake of going to Long Island for a weekend; however, I can say they cannot fight to save their lives.

      13 years ago at 2:50 pm
    2. kappa_alpha_theta

      I’m from Long Island. There are a lot of guidos, yes. There are also a lot of wealthy people who dress and act fratty. Making generalizations and stereotyping people based on where they’re from is so overdone on this site. I’m from NY, I’m absolutely NOT a Liberal, and I hate guidos. Stereotypes are funny but a lot of people on here seem to take them seriously. It’s ignorant and unbecoming to be that simple minded.

      13 years ago at 2:47 pm
    3. Fratting in 1868

      Good point Kappa_alpha_theta, just a question though, if I asked to stereotype the South, what would you say? So my point? Get over your little hissy fit about what stereotypes people have.

      13 years ago at 2:24 pm
    4. kappa_alpha_theta

      I know the stereotypes goes both ways. That’s why I said ‘stereotypes’ as in all of them, not specifically Northern ones. So your point? Irrelevant.

      13 years ago at 6:49 pm
    1. Frat OClock

      No way man, go into a bar you don’t want to be at, listening to music you don’t want to hear and be surrounded by people you don’t want to be around to show ’em how tough you are.

      Those douche bags in tight shirts getting cheap vodka bottle service in the corner won’t stop me from enjoying a shitty bar! I’m no pussy!

      13 years ago at 2:42 pm
    1. The Tradition

      Florida here, we sent it your way as psychological warfare for the upcoming game this weekend.

      13 years ago at 2:25 pm
    2. Because its FaF

      Gentleman, gentleman please. No matter what kind of rivalry exists between us, we don’t have to resort to guido warfare. No one should have to suffer through that…

      13 years ago at 2:50 pm
    3. ArnoldPalmer777

      Anytime anyone from Oklahoma asks for help, it usually involves Penicillin and/or a coat hanger. I applaud CC’s venture from the norm.

      13 years ago at 5:36 pm
    1. breauxmeo

      ^Fuck you, Ultra is the best party you will ever attend, no matter who you are.

      13 years ago at 3:55 pm
    2. WWW1858

      No ultra its for short orange people whose hair can kill if it stabs you in the right place.

      13 years ago at 12:19 am
    1. Brofalo and Company

      Be thankful you have never had to deal with an S.A. then. Throw the word “security” into their title and it’s a whole new ball game.

      13 years ago at 2:35 pm
    2. BrentBrothers

      Yes, RAs are the biggest fucking losers ever, unless you happen to get one that isn’t a gdi on a power trip and is just a poor kid that wants a free room.

      13 years ago at 5:26 pm