Please Stop Lighting Your Sleeping Friends On Fire, Guys

fire

This was never an issue I thought I’d have to tackle, nor was it a plea I thought I’d ever have to type out. I hate to be a wet blanket and tell the youth of America how to go about their lives, but we’ve officially reached a dangerous new level of drunken depravity that needs to be nixed before it ever truly gets off the ground. You guys need to stop lighting your sleeping friends on fire.

We were bound to get here eventually. It was inevitable. There’s only so many doors and tables we could demolish before the thrill was lost on us altogether. We had to up the ante in order to stimulate the same electric excitement. I get it. Smashing beers over your dome has become old news, we’ve built up a tolerance for the titillating feeling high property destruction once produced, and simply recording and drawing on the passed out isn’t nearly enough.

We tried to distract our diabolical destructive urges with booze and women — one-upping each other with new innovative consumption methods that brought us in a very promising direction with boob luges. I thought there was hope for humanity after all, but a tiger can’t change its stripes and humans can’t stop doing stupid shit when we have alcohol in our system. We don’t want to leave a pile of debris and ash in our drunken wake, we NEED to. And that’s exactly what led us to our current pyromania predicament.

Playing with fire. #TFM Send your photos and videos to Instagram@totalfratmove.com

A video posted by Total Frat Move (@totalfratmove) on

Now I’m not going to sit here with a straight face acting all high and mighty like that pompous prick Smokey the Bear casting down judgement against playing with fire or say this wasn’t remotely funny. Booze and flames are as American as apple pie or baseball and I laugh every time I watch the video.

So what’s the solution, since not drinking is not an option and fire fucking rules? I think it’s both fairly obvious and a reasonable request: only ignite your friend if he’s a conscious, consenting male adult. That may be asking a lot from you guys, but I assure you it’ll be much easier than you think. Just drop the lines “no balls” or “you won’t” and there will be a sign up sheet of brothers waiting to get lit… ablaze.

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  1. InHoc04

    Dan is too fat to be lit on fire… His blubber will keep him safe, kinda like a walrus.

    8 years ago at 11:05 am
    1. fratstar570

      You know how flammable fat is right? Setting Dan on fire would most likely result in burning Grandex to the ground.

      8 years ago at 11:09 am
      1. VandyConservative

        They used to set pigs on fire under the foundation of fortifications during a siege (if they could get them there) because the fat burned so hot you could literally damage a castle

        8 years ago at 11:19 am
      2. fratstar570

        I read a story years ago about a woman so fat, that when she was cremated, she burned the entire crematory down. Better avoid cremation Dan unless you want your immediate family to pay for the aftermath.

        8 years ago at 11:23 am
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        8 years ago at 2:05 pm
      4. Are You Kidding Me

        So what your telling me is Dan is a walking fire hazard. No wonder we have this PSA from him. He is scared to death.

        8 years ago at 1:06 pm
    2. Dan Regester

      Blubber has copious amounts of oil which is highly flammable. Read a damn science book for me one time, InHoc04.

      8 years ago at 11:10 am
      1. Cuntpunting

        We brought whales to the brink of extinction so that we could burn their blubber. Dan is one of the last ones left.

        8 years ago at 11:21 am
      2. olderthanyou

        Mr Roosevelt you need to issue an executive order preserving the land around Grandex. Remember how you created all those National Parks?

        8 years ago at 3:51 pm
  2. Purdue_Peter

    If I wasn’t enjoying some chili’s to go right now, I would “pepper” you with insults.

    8 years ago at 11:09 am
  3. BillyBomber

    People would stop doing it if they stopped getting attention for it. Stop posting videos of people lighting themselves on fire and you’ll stop receiving them.

    8 years ago at 1:04 pm
  4. John the Fraptist

    “I hate to be a wet blanket”
    Dan, you’re always a wet blanket. Does this mean you just hate yourself? Well that explains the whole weight thing.

    8 years ago at 5:27 pm