Potentially Coked-Out Zoologist Explains Who Would Win NCAA Tourney If Teams Were Their Mascots

Ron Magill, an American wildlife expert from Zoo Miami, recently went on ESPN to give his thoughts on who would win a few select NCAA tournament matchups, as well as which school has the best odds of winning the tourney, if, instead of basketball squads, teams were their animal mascots. Magill also, from the looks of it, may be on a potentially disastrous dosage of high quality stimulants.

I don’t want whatever Magill’s on, I need it. Deer antler spray? Hedgehog semen? Manatee blood? Whatever it is, daddy’s gotta mainline it, pronto.

This guy needs his own show. Sure, his expertise is really only valuable in situations like this (even though calling this piece of journalism “valuable” is a stretch in and of itself), but his energy and pizzazz are exactly what ESPN needs in these trying times. Forget Stephen A. and Skip incoherently yelling at each other; I want Ronny Mags sweating bullets while breaking down last weekend’s Bengals-Lions game.

Also, I very much agree with Ronny’s thoughts on the Badgers, both because I’m a University of Wisconsin alum, and because the phrases he used to describe our mascot (“It’s this little package of dynamite,” “Don’t be fooled by the size”) are the very same ones I use to describe my penis. That’s how you know I’m a true Badger.

[via ESPN]

Image via ESPN

  1. Don_Frat

    calling this “article”, an article is a bit of a fucking stretch, don’t you think?

    8 years ago at 12:31 pm
  2. Your Drunk Uncle

    He’s a zoologist, what the hell else is he gonna do? I’d be more surprised if he DIDN’T spend his breaks railing lines.

    8 years ago at 12:48 pm
  3. ShaqDiesel

    Spartans would kill everything. Just like what the actual team will do this tournament.

    8 years ago at 2:23 pm
  4. SharkWeekTFM

    He talks about a shark flopping on the concrete sure, but regardless of a great white’s inability to make the extra point I still gotta say, we need more sharks in sports. Helmets would look so much more bad ass.

    Tigers? LSU/Auburn Tiger Sharks.
    Crimson Tide? Keep the name but put a shark riding a wave of blood.
    49’ers? 40-9’ers, Just an army of 9 ft bull sharks in football helmets.
    Trojans? Why not let him ride a chariot pulled by two sharks?
    Yellow Jackets? Bunch’a sharks with slicked back hair and yellow leather jackets with the old mascot logo on the back of the jackets.
    Wolverines? Just put Hugh Jackman with those sideburns but dressed as Left Shark from the superbowl.

    Ok that one was kind of out there. But I’m just spit-balling here.
    Anyone else got ideas?

    8 years ago at 8:00 am