Power Ranking The US Women’s Soccer Players
I’m sure most of you clicked this expecting a ranking that carefully considers the statistics and on-field abilities of the US Women’s National Soccer Team. Sorry to disappoint. I don’t know shit about soccer, so I wouldn’t even know where to begin with a list like that. I do know, however, which of these girls make my pants ripple like the back of the net. In celebration of our nation’s leading soccer ladies advancing to the World Cup semifinals, here is the definitive ranking of the hottest on the team.
10. Morgan Brian
Brian was given the nickname “Plankton” because of her petite size as well as her love of “Spongebob Squarepants,” which are two huge pluses in my book. She also worked her way onto the team after being cut from the Olympic Development Program, which means she’s persistent – an attribute that anyone who’s suffered from whiskey dick can appreciate.
Hotness Level: Turf burn.
9. Tobin Heath
Heath is a self-professed “free spirit,” which means you’ll find her at a hipster bar named “Frost & Exile” or “Wishbone” or some shit. You’ll be drunk enough to ignore the bobbing of her massive adam’s apple as she sips her IPA, and make your approach. She’ll look at your button-down shirt and khaki pants and call you a “conformist,” to which you will reply, “I don’t believe in judging people based off external appearances.” She’ll follow you to your place, whip out a bag of green and a bowl, then lay you down for some super freaky, free-spirited sex.
Hotness Level: Beckham’s bench seat when he played in the US.
8. Amy Rodriguez
Enjoyed spending time at #SoccerForHope camp this week #HelpingKidsIsOurGoal pic.twitter.com/GXr3Gw9v
— Amy Rodriguez (@AmyRodriguez8) August 18, 2012
Rodriguez squeezed out a rugrat after the 2012 olympics, and she’s already whipped herself back into competition form. Hopefully, this milf did her kegels and got the most important part of her body back in shape, too. She’s married, but just like the game of soccer, don’t let a goalie keep you from scoring.
Hotness Level: Cleat blisters.
7. Ali Krieger
After breaking her leg in college, Krieger suffered from blood clots that nearly ended her life. Fortunately, she made a full recovery. That’s what you call resilience. The blood clot she caused between my legs, however, has yet to be remedied.
Hotness Level: Your butt hole after eating food in a foreign stadium.
6. Julie Johnston
Blonde hair. Big, blue eyes. I’d let Johnston juggle my balls any day.
Hotness Level: Your Xbox after a FIFA marathon
5. Kelly O’Hara
A southern belle at heart, O’Hara never thought she wanted to leave her home in Georgia. As someone who spent his college years in the southeast, I met a lot of girls like that, and they are all fucking perfect. I guarantee she makes a bomb-ass pecan pie that you’ll see cooling through a spotless window when you get home from work. Cute freckles, too.
Hotness Level: The top of Wayne Rooney’s bald head after playing in the sun.
4. Sydney Leroux
I hope I’m not being to forward, Leroux, but you’re a fox. You also have a great stroke and a mean header.
Hotness Level: Car fire in a third world country when its team loses.
3. Christen Press
Christen, I know you can last a full 90 minutes, but I’d only need 3.
Hotness Level: A Brazilian summer.
2. Hope Solo
Hope Solo is a keeper. Sure, she had that whole domestic assault thing, but just keep a yellow card on the bed stand to let her know if she’s getting too rough.
Hotness Level: Her temper after her bitch sister talks back.
1. Alex Morgan
Morgan is such a dime, I might just watch them play on TV. But probably not.
Hotness Level: Alex Morgan..
[via USSoccer.com]
Images via Twitter/Alex Morgan,USSoccer.com, YouTube
I’d let Hope Solo beat the shit out of me.
9 years ago at 3:59 pmHope Solo has a really weird looking vagina
9 years ago at 4:02 pmWeird looking as it resembles a dick.
9 years ago at 4:11 pmGoogle Hope Solo’s beef curtains and you might need to adjust these rankings…
9 years ago at 4:02 pmHow have I not seen that until now?
9 years ago at 4:25 pmLuck
9 years ago at 5:11 pmI hadn’t either. It’s clear she’s all about buttstuff though
9 years ago at 5:37 pmDifferent avi?
9 years ago at 6:26 pmHer turd cutter makes my teeth hurt
9 years ago at 6:29 pmLooks like a sloppy roast beef Sandwich. If probably still slay for the story
9 years ago at 7:04 pmit hangs like sleeve of wizard!!
9 years ago at 7:39 pmThat’s what I was thinking. Knock her down a few ranks.
9 years ago at 5:03 pmjesus fucking christ. NOPE!
9 years ago at 6:38 pmWe all saw the Hope Solo leaked pics…that publix sub looking cooter moves her to at least 4th place.
9 years ago at 4:04 pmJulie Johnston is much hotter than 6 on this list. Also, if you experienced the fappening, hope solo would no longer be attractive
9 years ago at 4:05 pmShe has a big nose
9 years ago at 8:49 pmAnd huge ass hands
9 years ago at 10:15 pmHope Solo is 100% committed to ButtStuff. The pics dont lie
9 years ago at 4:05 pmHer balloon knot looked abused.
9 years ago at 5:05 pmIt’s staring at me.
9 years ago at 5:29 pmJulie Johnson should easily be in the top three.
9 years ago at 4:06 pmJulie Johnston is by far, leaps and bounds, without a shadow of a doubt, shouldn’t even be a discussion so much hotter then the rest of the team put together. Still would pee in Sydney Leroux though, Johnston though. I would do so many terrible… terrible things to even have a chance..
9 years ago at 10:27 amHope Solo does not belong on here.
9 years ago at 4:06 pmGod damn it Cutler
9 years ago at 10:52 pmThe US women’s soccer team was defeated 8-2 by a 16 year old boys team. They are not that good.
9 years ago at 4:08 pmNobody was talking about how “good” they are.. Run along now let the adults talk
9 years ago at 4:22 pmNobody gives a fuck how good they are…
9 years ago at 4:27 pmNo one clicked on this expecting, or wanting, an in-depth analysis of women’s soccer stats.
9 years ago at 4:08 pm