Practical Advice For Incoming Freshmen
Brothers,
If me actually calling you “brother” is accurate, this column is not for you. If you’re a high school frat star who thinks he’s totally ready to crush college, congratulations, because what I’m about to say is for you. So let’s start at the obvious fact, which is that you know a lot of things. By this, I mean you don’t know shit. In fact, you know less than Jon Snow, because at least he knows how to eat pussy. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s talk. And by that, I mean I talk and you listen.
1. Your money is not yours. Act accordingly.
The days of working a side job and paying your way through school are over. The economics of higher education simply don’t allow for it. Given that, there are three realistic ways that you’re paying for school: scholarships, loans, parents, or some combination of the three. In any of those scenarios, that money is not yours. Sure, you “earned” your scholarship by pretending to be a responsible human being, but you can lose it just as easily as you bullshitted for it. Loans are not free money, and future you is not going to be the big shot salary guy right out of the gate like you assume. Sure, your parents might give you everything and not give a shit about how you spend it, but what sort of precedent are you setting for yourself? Are you willing to continue living off of them when you’re 30? Because blowing their money on shady narcotics and unnecessary house decorations is an easy way to develop a habit that will guarantee that will happen.
2. Don’t get fat.
Everyone will get fat. It’s just simple math. Take a bunch of people from organized lives run by coaches and parents and throw them into a system that includes buffets and binge drinking and the pounds are inevitable. Take care of yourself. You can distinguish yourself as an eligible bachelor from most of your competition by staying in shape. I’m not saying you can’t grow a bit of a man gut. Just don’t turn into a roly poly. We played with roly pollies for hours as kids, and we never once saw one of them actually get laid. It’s the same in the human world. Speaking of getting laid…
3. You don’t have to fuck everything in sight.
I know that the college lifestyle seems to put a premium on banging as many broads as you can, but in reality, life isn’t an “American Pie” knockoff. The guys I pledged with who got the most tail were by no stretch of the imagination the most respected guys in my class. You want to know why? Because they stuck their dicks in anything that let them. Quality over quantity, fellas. Would you rather spend $50 at McDonald’s or at the best steakhouse in town? Can you even eat $50 worth of McD’s? More importantly, would you even want to? I’m not saying you should settle down immediately and plan your wedding in between classes, but just because sex is on the table, it doesn’t mean you should sit down to eat.
4. Don’t work hard. Work smart.
Grades are bullshit. I’ve said it a thousand times, and I’ll say it again: unless you’re applying to grad school, anything with a three preceding it is fine. Hell, for a lot of majors, a 2.0 or more plays. College isn’t about grades, anyway. It’s about figuring out how you operate on your own (albeit in a bubble wrap environment). You should be making friends and making memories, not keeping your face pressed to an exploitively priced textbook. Plus, your raw numbers won’t help you. You’re likely not going to get a sweet job out of school anyway, and most companies will never even bother to ask you for your GPA at any point in the application process. So how do you work smart? Connections and internships. Those typically go hand in hand, too. Don’t take a summer internship at a place with a good name, take one at a place that offers you the most interaction with superiors. Make a good impression, do everything that’s asked of you, a few things that aren’t, and make sure to ask them for an exit interview. Professors are a resource, too. Sure, some might be teaching because they couldn’t hack it in the private sector, but a lot of them are there because they like teaching. More importantly, almost all of them have connections to people in the real world. They might not get you a job, but they can certainly introduce you to someone who will give you a chance to make a good impression.
5. Get an education.
But wait a second, didn’t I just tell you that class is bullshit and that college is for building social skills more than it’s for learning facts? Yes, I did. That doesn’t mean you should walk out of there as yet another idiot with a degree in alcohol poisoning. You have four (or a few more) years where you can do almost whatever you want. So you know what you should do? Read some books. Classwork and taking notes is one thing, but broadening your horizons is another. Create a curriculum for yourself. You’re supposed to be expanding your mind, so do it. Study stuff written by people you vehemently disagree with–you’d be surprised how much you can pick up from an opposing viewpoint. Have intelligent discussions with your friends. If your friends aren’t down to talk about moderately important topics every now and then, that’s your first clue that you have shitty friends. The point I’m making is that your university doesn’t dictate the worldview you leave with. You do. So if you waste the opportunity to expand it, then you’re fucking yourself. You’ll be doing enough of that in the rare moments your roommate is gone as it is. College isn’t hard, but it should damn well be something.
Nail on the head, Coop. I salute you.
10 years ago at 11:50 amI think it’s great that you guys realize that most of your readers are not even in college yet.
10 years ago at 12:01 pm“It’s not about the grades you make, but the hands you shake”
10 years ago at 12:04 pmFuck you
10 years ago at 4:05 pmDon’t fuck everything in sight= Don’t fuck black chicks
10 years ago at 12:07 pmWouldn’t expect anything else from Bama.
10 years ago at 1:15 pmRow Tahd
10 years ago at 7:30 amDraper price
10 years ago at 12:09 pmYeah, telling incoming douchey Freshman “don’t work hard” is the shittiest advice of all time, they will all think they can just “work smart” through their classes….and they will all fail…work your ass off freshmen, just try to do most of it during the day or early in the week
10 years ago at 12:15 pmThis guy is on point. Working smart is for later. You’re going to need to work your ass off at times and pull the occasional of all nighter writing papers and studying for tests throughout college no matter what, and Jizzmopper is right, early in the week is good. That way you can have fun on the weekends, and make up for the inevitable times when you blow off a paper you should be writing to go get drunk with your brothers. Never is that more true than your freshmen year when you’re adjusting to college and the workload. Otherwise, great article Cooper.
10 years ago at 1:14 pmMike Rowe said it best: work smart and work hard.
10 years ago at 1:29 pmOr both?
10 years ago at 1:41 pmA 2.0 does not play in any majors. Engineering is the most rigorous with GPA and anything below a 2.75 is considered well below average. College is great fun and all, but life does tend go on afterwards
10 years ago at 2:12 pmAgreed. Unless you’re rocking serious connections, nothing under a 3.0 is going to get you a job with high 5, low 6 figure potential out of undergrad
10 years ago at 7:36 pmUnless you major in something that has defined requirements, you are most likely not getting this anyway. Which was his point. I have never been asked about my GPA. I have had three fairly high paying jobs since leaving college that I got without connections. It is about how you present your knowledge and yourself in an interview.
10 years ago at 3:28 amOn a lot of school recruiting sites the more reputable firms won’t even accept applications under a 3.
10 years ago at 8:58 pm6. Find a reliable Adderall connection.
10 years ago at 12:39 pmAlthough expanding horizons by reading ancient literature sounds great, nobody really has the time to do that. If you do, you’re fucking up your college experience.
10 years ago at 12:54 pmAnother addition: rush a fraternity based on the guys you get along with and like, not who you hear throws the most ragers- because everyone throws the most ragers.
10 years ago at 1:08 pmExactly. The guys you get along with end up throwing the kind of parties that suit you.
10 years ago at 1:10 amPeople who say, “work smart, not hard,” usually don’t do either.
10 years ago at 1:08 pm