Resume “Building”

There comes a time when you have to leave reckless abandon and the glory of your undergraduate years behind, and enter the real world. But if you play your cards right, you should be able to construct a resume that can make you look even more qualified than you actually are. I’m not just talking about executive positions in your fraternity or the student government spots reserved for your house by the Greek political machine. Don’t get me wrong, those things look good, but there is always room for improvement. There are three time-tested ways to drastically strengthen your resume with out actually doing a damn thing. I present to you the three pillars of resume “building.”

Create

So you need an internship, but you never actually held a single position in anything over the last three years. Not a problem. The beauty of being Greek is that the record keeping is pretty limited and chances are the person you need as a reference is one of your pledge brothers. No one actually knows who the philanthropy chair was in the spring of 2008. I’ve seen five guys claim to have been the social chair in the same semester with no consequences. Just make sure to tell whoever the president was at that time to answer their cell phone and confirm anything you lie about. If they refuse, you can always politely remind them of the Cancun Incident of 2009 that you still have pictures of. It’s not blackmail, it’s incentive. References are far easier to obtain when you’ve done lines of blow off a stripper’s ass in a back alley of Bourbon Street with the dude you need one from.

Exaggerate

This should be pretty straight forward. Most employers aren’t going to be able to check the accuracy of anything you claimed to do in college. Anything numerical can easily be rounded up. Just keep it reasonable and make sure there’s no evidence of the truth. If you were president or treasurer, just round up your actual budget to the nearest quarter million. Half that money was probably laundered and mislabeled to pay for booze anyway, so lying about the actual amount is probably the least of your worries. Even if you didn’t actually do anything of importance during you tenure, just “exaggerate” until it’s resume gold. Planning a social takes very little actual work but saying that you “Developed itinerary, coordinated travel logistics, and authored risk management contingency plans for social events with several hundred attendees” sounds pretty mother fucking glorious.

Manipulate (the title)

Every organization has unique titles for very similar positions. The key is to convey inflated importance. The title “Vice President” can be very helpful. Some houses have like six vice presidents. You can be the VP of fucking anything. House Manager? Nope. Vice President of Fraternity Operations. Treasurer? Not enough. I’d go with Vice President of Finance. Social Chair? Too narrow. Vice President of Membership Resources. If VP would be too much of stretch you can always check down to “The Director of _____” title.

Remember, even if it’s dishonest, it’s not lying if your story checks out. To quote Alonzo Harris in Training Day, “It’s not what you know, it’s what you can prove.” And they can’t prove shit.

  1. Get Him to the Frat

    Or you could be the president and not have to lie about being a worthwhile member of your fraternity.

    12 years ago at 5:38 pm
  2. John Quincy Fratams

    Lying to get somewhere in life. NF
    Actually putting in the work and not being a piece of shit. TFM

    12 years ago at 5:41 pm
    1. The Waltz

      Actually putting in the work and not being a piece of shit. RFM.

      If I could be good at one thing, it’d be lying.

      12 years ago at 9:16 pm
    2. better_than_you

      ^True. Nothing wrong with bettering yourself and take all the advantages you can to better yourself. Ask any on who i sucessful, you have to be able to bull shit. Great Article, Gov.

      12 years ago at 10:39 pm
    1. Frat Blue Ribbon

      No. This was a good column. As long as you don’t lie, everything he said was good advice. The Guvnah and I will let you know what it’s like at the top, boys.

      12 years ago at 7:07 pm
    1. TheFratFace1868

      If this article ruins your career, you clearly missed the differences between embellishing and lying.

      12 years ago at 12:33 am
  3. SPECOA

    This sounds like it was written by a passive-agressive HR representative who resents Greek life and everything it stands for. This article may as well have said, “You didn’t do anything in college, and you’re not getting past me with that handshake unless you lie on your resume.”

    12 years ago at 5:49 pm
    1. anon7472974648

      Dang it, I always forget that these columns, like everything else on here, are to be taken seriously. Well, shoot.

      12 years ago at 5:56 pm
  4. Bronocular Save

    What a classy individual Guvnah. Next time be sure to use your tips yourself before trying to screw over the real Greeks.

    12 years ago at 6:03 pm
  5. WazzuCoug92

    Guvnah is a good for nothing, two timing, Sandusky catching, Marxist GDI.

    You heard it here first.

    12 years ago at 6:58 pm
    1. Peaches_and_Bourbon

      ^this. But seriously, the Guvnah can go the fuck back to Arkansas. I dont think that state is ready for the internet.

      12 years ago at 10:34 pm
  6. TooBroToCare

    Loved reading the comments from everyone saying that they’re too morally opposed lying on a resume because they all “put the work in and didn’t have to lie” All of you get fucked because we all know none of us really do anything. But hey fuck me right. I guess we are supposed to read TFM columns seriously and take the advice literally.

    12 years ago at 6:58 pm
    1. Get Him to the Frat

      I was like…fuck you…fuck you…ok his last 2 sentences are good points. Some of us actually do things in our fraternity and try to better them so that men throughout the ages can continue to rage on.

      12 years ago at 1:50 am