The brawl: a phenomena born out of chaos and liquid courage. Popularized during Roman times by drunk citizens who were all fired up at the after party for the Gladiatorial Games of 185 A.D. (don’t quote me on that), the brawl is where a person’s true colors show.
I don’t care if it’s a bar dust-up or a music festival scrap or a rival fraternity house-clearing throwdown; just about everyone has a role to play in the brawl. And the role you do decide to play says a lot about you as a person at that moment.
You might be the person starting the fight, you may be the person ending it, or, depending on which way the wind is blowing, you may even be the guy getting laid because of it. But there’s a good chance you’ll see a few if not all of these types of people the next time a brawl goes down.
Role: You’re either the one actively pushing buttons to get your target to swing or the one throwing the first blow that gets the whole thing a’rocking.
What It Says About You: The simple answer? You’re angry. Maybe someone accidentally spilled a drink on you. Maybe some dude’s been screwing your girlfriend on the side. Maybe you’ve had a rough couple of weeks and you just feel like cracking some skulls. Whatever it is, it’s something. You don’t see any Johnny Skip-In-His-Steps starting any shit.
Role: You’re forcefully backing up The Instigator or The Instigator’s target.
What It Says About You: You’re loyal, a little hot-headed, and down to dish out some KOs whether your crew’s in the right or wrong.
Role: You’re the one who tries to ease tensions before the brawl goes down. Once the fight starts, you’re the one bear-hugging your pals to safety and pulling people off of each other.
What It Says About You: You care about outward appearances. You want people to know that you were in the thick of the brawl, but that you were also maintaining the chill.
The “Hold Me Back” Shit Talker
Role: You’re the one trying to verbally establish dominance but have no intention of getting involved physically.
What It Says About You: Like The Peacemaker, you, too, care about outward appearances. Unlike The Peacemaker, you don’t feel like getting your hands dirty and also are doing the exact opposite of maintaining any chill. You rely heavily on The Peacemaker to come in and pull you out of harm’s way.
The “I’m Too Old For This Shit” Drink Sipper
Role: You continue to enjoy your alcoholic beverage while the carnage unfolds around you.
What It Says About You: You’ve probably been involved in a decent amount of brawls and maybe have even started a few. But those days are behind you. Right now, you’re just trying to enjoy your drink and be left alone. Sure, you’ll stick around to see someone get their clock cleaned, if for no other reason than to remind you of the old days.
The White Knight
Role: You’re chatting up any smokes in the near vicinity with the intention of taking them home.
What It Says About You: You’re an opportunist. You know that a brawl means hormones are through the roof; if you’re not tryna fight, you’re tryna fuck. Once you establish yourself as a brave protector but also a strong proponent of “Make Love, Not War,” you spit a little bit of game and see where it goes from there.
The Guy Yelling “World Star!”
Role: Part amateur videographer, part hype man, you’re just happy to be there.
What It Says About You: You’re ruining fight videos for me.
The Girl Screaming “Stop!”
Role: You use your banshee shrieks to try and break things up, but you’re actually only serving to fuel the fighters’ rage.
What It Says About You: You’re also ruining fight videos for me.
The Guy Who Pulls Out His Knife, Breaks A Beer Bottle, And Says, “Fellas, It’s Better For Me To Go To Jail For Life Than For All Of Us To Go To Jail For One Night.”
Role: Fairly specific, I know. But a buddy did this exact thing after shit got heated at a house party in Michigan like nine years ago, and I haven’t been able to shake it since.
What It Says About You: You’re a good friend of mine. Congrats!.
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